A step parent is a person married to someone with kids. If doesn't matter if they are actively engaged with the kids or not.

I always though being the step meant you were there to help your spouse (the actual parent) raise their child and just help follow the guidelines set by the actual parents. I guess I lived in a fantasy world that most people who had a child would step up and be actual parents. My mistake as I quickly learned from Meth Ex and DH!

IMHO, I have always thought that a STEP parent is someone who STEPS into the role of parenting because one or both of the child's parents are absent

Works great if the ex spouses, namely CP BM (usually) have assumed room temperature.
Think: Brady Bunch

I agree with Aniki's description.

I'm to the point that I really don't consider myself a stepmother to DH's kids anymore. I'm 90% disengaged and it's wonderful. I have just finally got them to stop calling me mom most of the time. I couldn't stand it that they did. It was like nails on a chalk board. DH has finally stepped up and is doing most of the work related to skids. I spent the first 2 years they lived with us taking care of all 4 kids basically on my own. DH didn't even try to help. It's so much nicer just worrying about my kids and letting him worry about his.

Good question!

I never considered myself a stepmother to DH's daughters and did not want to be referred to as stepmom **shudders**. They have two parents and I am not one of them! LOL

By definition you're a step parent when you marry someone who already have children with someone else. I don't think including the term 'parent' should be allowed. It's like any other child you meet...cute but there is no attachment. There is no love like the love you have for your own. No comparison and not even in the same galaxy.

I am just DH's wife in my mind. To the older children he has (that are near my age) I am their dad's wife.

To Poopie Pants I am SM. I don't feel that way but he wouldn't understand and DH would be butt hurt so I say nothing but I most definitely do not feel any parental anything towards the child. Blech.

I think where the hair is split is that while I agree with the definition of step-parent is as Disney fan said "A step parent is a person married to someone with kids. If doesn't matter if they are actively engaged with the kids or not." (minor children.. after that you are Dad's wife or Mom's husband) that the definition of the ROLE of step-parent is not the same in every situation.

So, I am a step parent just like everyone else on this board BUT.. I may see my role in the kid's lives as very different than some of the other posters on this board who are actively and completely disengaged from their spouse's children.

IRL I've never once referred to SS32 as my stepson. Nor have I ever referred myself as his SM. I've know him almost a decade. I rarely mention him at all except here.

Well before becoming an actual Step Parent, I had envisioned it ideally. While I wasn't my Skids bio mom, I would have a strong relationship. Our bond would be that if an aunt and her nephews. I would do things like:

Help with homework
Teach them things I learned growing up
Go on vacations
Be appreciated and respected
The list goes on and on

As of late, like you stated Aniki I'm a DH's wife. If SS12 and SS15 introduced me as that I would not be offended. Would it be rude of me to introduce them as my DH's children?

Step comes from the old English steop which connotates loss. Up until the 20th century it meant becoming a mother to children whose biological mother's had died. Now it refers to being a parent through marriage.

Stepmom = punching bag

i agree with disney about the dictionary definition of 'stepparent' but also the fact that the actual roles taken on are unique to each family.

i have always called my stepmom "mom". she was as much of a parent as anyone could be, she had both responsibility AND authority. my stepfather was always "first name" - he was my stepfather by marriage, but was never a parent to me.

the boys have always referred to me as their stepmom (i like that they say that instead of the more formal 'stepmother'). but i have been rather involved in their lives since they were all fairly young. and just because i was disengaged from most of the parenting duties didn't mean that i wasn't involved - we did things as a family, i went to sports events (cuz i LIKE to), we all had conversations together, i took them to school (dh had to be at work at 7a and we lived out of district - it was no issue for me, i truly didn't mind). this was all when dh was NCP, when he had them about 50/50, AND when dh got full custody. yes, they all call me by my first name (i never expected them to call me 'mom'!) but when they refer to "my parents", they fully mean to include me in that.

my stepfather never did any of those things and was not really involved. sure we'd go bowling or watch a game on tv all together, but we'd only see him once every few months (mom wasn't great at the visitation thing). so he's just mom's husband.