DH says I abuse him mentally.
DH says that mentally abuse him because I told him that I have no idea why god decided to give BM and him two kids because they don't parent. He lets SS get away with everything and I admit it was harsh of me to say that but I am so tired of the all of this crap and an 11 year old thinking he can run our household and his father won't do anything about it. But, I am the bad guy and I abuse him mentally. Do you think this is mental abuse? I need to know if I am out of line. I also told him that he should stand up to BM but, I am giving up trying to tell him what to do when it comes to BM because I am too stressed out. I slept on the couch last night and my DH refuse to speak to me now.
- tankh21's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Hon...what are you getting
Hon...what are you getting out of this relationship??
A 11 year old child should
A 11 year old child should never run a household. I think you were harsh and fed up. "Abuse him mentally" NO.
Uh, yeah, you had to have
Uh, yeah, you had to have known that one was going to start a fight. Not sure how that conversation started nor how it went, but that may have been a wee bit too much thoughts to share.
That's not saying I don't 'get' how frustrated you are and how stressed things must be for something like that to have spilled out, but it's probably time to try marriage counseling and save some of those big revelations for sessions.
"Uh,yeah", does this mean you
"Uh,yeah", does this mean you think this is abuse? :?
Is Op mentally abusing her
Is Op mentally abusing her d*ckless husband? No. But she would know laying something on him like 'why would God even give you and your worthless ex wife kids' would make trouble.
I think she tries to discuss and discuss and discuss again, over and over the same old problems. That's not mentally abusing her husband, but it obviously is getting her nowhere.
As I said, I believe it is time some of these issues are discussed with a marriage counselor. He's tire of hearing , what is to him, her nagging the h*ll out of him. And she, naturally is tried of trying to get through to him.
She's not wrong. But the way it is happening is not working. A neutral third party that could perhaps help them both listen to each other and actually hear what is trying to be said is the route I think it's time for.
He's wanting her to do nothing but shut up and to hide his head under the sand. She's not willing to keep going on with the way things are. He is beginning to view her as the 'enemy' or the one who is making things more difficult for him than he believes needs to be. His head is telling him if she would just let things go his life would be easier and problem free.
I've said the same thing to
I've said the same thing to DH and while I feel I was justified in saying it, I do kind of feel as if I was being a bit mean to him when I said it, not that it's not true, it's just that my delivery was a bit off.
I don't think it's mental abuse, though, and I suspect a lot of his anger has to do with the fact that you hit a nerve. One of the downsides of being a stepmom is that you aren't allowed to criticize either the precious cherub of a stepchild or the poor, divorced parent. One of the upsides is that the stepchild is not really your problem, so you can feel free to disengage.
I think our situations are very similar and I've now made just one request to my DH - that he keeps BM's drama out of our house (it's up to him how he does that) and that I'm not interested in paying for fun things for kids who can't put in the bare minimum of effort.
What my DH doesn't realize and what your DH doesn't realize, either, I bet, is that un-parented children are very difficult to like and they should expect that not only their wives, but other people they meet, will not like their children if they continue to not parent them.
I think that expressing an
I think that expressing an opinion that someone else doesn't agree with is *not* mental abuse in most circumstances.
I think that using the silent treatment to punish a loved one who has expressed an opinion you don't like might be characterized as mental abuse.
If there is a long term
If there is a long term pattern of undercutting and criticizing his parenting in unconstructive and unkind ways then I could see that it might affect his self esteem and could be considered abusive. I don’t know what goes on in your house and I am not an expert on abuse. What is and is not abusive is immaterial when what we are doing (or saying) is hurting our loved ones, we need to find a better way or a way out. I do know that our partners are not perfect and that if we want to remain in our partnerships we need to learn how to communicate in ways that do not degrade them and ways which help support and accept them. If disengaging from his parenting and both of you focusing on constructive and supportive communication would not solve your relationship issues then perhaps it is time to consider the relationship as a whole. When we are close to someone it is easy to know what buttons to push to hurt them. If we are regularly doing that, then the relationship cannot thrive. Are you two in couples counseling?
I don't think it qualifies as
I don't think it qualifies as mental abuse - but the fact that you even said anything AT ALL... that's a different story.
would you have said that to your boss? Why not? because it's rude? because it's disrespectful? because you know better than to be rude and disrespectful to someone? Why be rude to your SO? Maybe THAT's what he's calling abuse... which I suppose, is. When you say something purposely hurtful to someone... you're being abusive. It's not like you said something with good intentions and in unintentionally hurt their feelings - the point of you saying it was to make him feel incompetent as a parent.
Why? Why would you feel the need to make your SO feel incompetent as a parent?
Because you think he is?
So what? Maybe he is... maybe he's not... all we know is that he doesn't do things your way, and you make him feel like an idiot because of it.
So yes, I would consider that mental abuse, even if the words you used aren't necessarily abusive.
Girl I've been on your side several times... but lately you're going down a really negative path.
Thank you all of you for
Thank you all of you for being honest with me. I have a lot of things to think about and whether my marriage is worth working out.
Good grief. Someone stumps
Good grief. Someone stumps their toe and they call it abuse these days.
That is not mental abuse. However….It was a VERY mean and hateful thing to say to someone you supposedly love. What prompted you to say something like this?
I have glanced back at a few of your blogs and it really looks like you are looking for things to argue with your DH about on some of them. I saw a few blogs where BM did something stupid and you were mad at DH and SS for what she was doing.
And I am not being mean, I just know how this kind of rut starts. BTDT. You and DH do not agree about anything to do with BM and SS so every little things sets off an argument. Dis engage asap. Just let it go.
Edit to add...I just read Secrets reply and I totally agree with this…. Girl I've been on your side several times... but lately you're going down a really negative path.
Telling someone the truth
Telling someone the truth does not mental abuse make.
DH got his fee fees hurt. He needs to step up and be the parent instead of deflecting.
Where are your boundaries?
Where are your boundaries? It seems like the lives of SS, DH and BM spill over into your day-to-day existence, right down to you making it all so important to YOU, and you feeling like it's about YOU.
It's not. If your DH is such a bad parent that he can't be a good partner to you, then obviously you'll be angry about his poor parenting because that seems so easily changeable. But what's truly hurtful is that it IS so changeable, and he is not lifting a pinky finger to change a thing - because he doesn't value being a good partner to you.
If you're being sour to him like this regularly I guess you're not a great partner in return. But if your frustration is born from the fact that he will not make the effort to be on your team... then that has nothing to do with step-life and everything to do with the man you married.
Good luck. I imagine this must be very difficult.
I don't necessarily believe
I don't necessarily believe that is abuse.. However... that is definitely in the category of harsh (though probably true). People often don't appreciate the gift of your truth.
I do think you have been overly strict and controlling on a lot of things regarding his EX and the kids. Your DH hasn't been a great parent and has allowed things to go on and participated in passive aggressive crap with his EX.
You do realize that he is now being passive aggressive with you right? You have been questioning if this is the right relationship for you. I don't think it is. But, I do think you could use some work on yourself and your need for control. Not trying to be mean about it.. just constructive.
How is he being passive
How is he being passive aggressive to me by calling me a mental abuser and refusing to speak to me? Can you give me an example? A lot of people have said that BM and my DH are more focused on arguing and getting over on each other and not focusing on the most important thing which is the kids. I totally agree with that but, if I were to say anything like that to DH he would just tell me that I'm a bully or a mental abuser. So I guess I can either just totally disengage and ignore the communication between him and BM and let him parent his own kids and not worry about how they turn out or I can leave.
the silent treatment is the
the silent treatment is the passive agressiveness.
PM'ing you
Yes, the silent treatment is
Yes, the silent treatment is the ultimate in passive aggressive moves.
The hallmark of
The hallmark of passive-aggressive is where someone is aggressive in a way where they 'hide' their aggressiveness. It always feels very frustrating, because it seems like you can't address it directly. It's usually people who fear direct confrontation for some reason, so they go indirect.
Someone saying unkind/untrue things to you then refusing to discuss it? passive-aggressive.
Someone saying unkind/untrue things in a cheerful or dismissive way? passive-aggressive.
Someone saying unkind/untrue things about you to other people? passive-aggressive.
Best thing is to name it. It'll lead to conflict, but since you're not the one afraid of a conversation, that's ok.
"DH, you said xyz yesterday. Since then you've avoided talking to me. I'm open to talking about what you said and how you feel, but I'm not interested in the silent treatment. Are you willing to talk about it or is this how you want our relationship to go?"
I once had a friend pull that BS on me. I said essentially what I wrote above. I got no response, and you know what? No longer a friend. I still miss him. But I can't be playing these guessing games. I have a happy life to live.
We have talked about going to
We have talked about going to counseling before but I don't know if it's even worth it. I honestly think that he doesn't want this marriage anymore because of the way he is acting.
tankh21 - disengage, simply
tankh21 - disengage, simply disengage and ignore the skids, never tell SS to do anything, you are not his parent so stop teaching him anything,
reflect it to his Dad, Hon, you please sort out the mess in the living room, I already took my stuff away, that's your stuff and SS stuff...
see now your DH has 2 options, play maid and clean it all or call SS and get him to help.
Make it clear to DH, you will ask once, twice three times it's straight to the trash cans, regardless who's belongings it is.
Same with dishes, and same with cooking, if you cook dinner that's it, you dish up and eat and clean the kitchen, do not worry if skids like the food or not, either they shut up and eat or DH prepares something else for them and if this is already happening, simply stop cooking at home, it's a waste of money.
DISENGAGE.... you are friendly with DH, if skids interrupts, you do not keep quiet and simply say... I'm busy talking and you are being rude snot, then keep on talking to DH, if he starts talking to his child, turn around and leave.... if DH later ask you to finish your story, smile and say, nah then it was not important why do you think for one minute I'm going to talk to you now.... (something like that) make it clear to him he blew you off, you are not sharing anymore.
Never scream and shout, lower your voice it has much much more effect.... and simply disengage, start doing your own thing, get hobbies, go out...
it will look like you and DH are drifting apart for about 3-6 months.... but he will have to get use to the new you, .. he will try and pull you back, laugh and say NO, I'm not the parent you are... and this is applicable on everything, driving skids, buying them anything, you do absolutely nothing for them