Sending things to the other home?
How do you handle the kids taking things from one home to another.
At the start SO had nothing for the children. Slowly we've gotten enough that they plenty of things to play with. With Christmas coming they need to clean out some of their toys.
Now some stuff was bought extremely cheap just so they had something to play with it while other things were more carefully picked out for birthday and Christmas gifts. They have also somehow collected more than a life time collection of stuffed animals.
We're not sure how we want to handle the clean up. Do we let them pick a few things to take to their mom's or trash / donated it depending on what the item is?
For example last year we got a large set of the little kids lego blocks. I also gave the children my collection of legos. Both of these take up a pretty decent size tub under the bed. At first the youngest played with the bigger blocks and his sister played with the smaller ones. Now both of the kids use the smaller blocks and the big ones are sitting there. These for sure need to go but do we offer to let them take them to mom's? I could easy find someone where we live that would put them to good use.
For a long time we had a very strict rule about nothing leaving our home to go to hers. I could go into the details but it boils down to dad didn't have anything and if it left it wasn't coming back.
I'm worried if we pass on this rule for this then the flood gates will be open. I'm worried they will ended up slowly taking all their favorite toys to her house and have nothing at ours.
- Dontfeedthetrolls's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
If they don't play with it at
If they don't play with it at your house, would they play with it at the other house? My guess with the big blocks is no. I'd give it to someone who would use it. It's not your job to supply toys for another house.
Stuffed animals may be harder. Attachments form. Not sure what I'd do except not buy any more of them.
The son has in the past
The son has in the past requested that his dad pick him up "tomorrow so I can come play with the blocks." When asked he said he does not have any at moms. This doesn't feel like a lie from other things my partner has observed or knows about his ex.
I know they spend a lot of time with her mother too and it seems like they have next to nothing there. Out of all the time's I've been there I have never seen a toy and GBM does not seem to be the type to keep things cleaned up and put away. The second the kids walk in when we drop them off its out with the tablets or onto the computer.
I don't want to provide for mom's home but in this case the children would know full well where the items came from so it's not like she could "steal credit".
I also feel that these are their toys. It's not that they don't like them it's that they are running out of space (they share a room). We have those cloth bins that you can buy from Walmart and both children have two of them. There are a few other places that toys can be kept but that's about it. They'd need to pick out the things the play with the least to make space for new toys.
I don't know. Honestly I'm more for donating but SO and I both keep going back and forth. I'm just trying to reason out why we should let them go to BM's I guess.
Contact women's shelters,
Contact women's shelters, hospitals, daycares and church groups in your area who can always use things such as this. Let the skids know these are being donated to other kids who can love and cherish these toys...if they balk show then Toy Story 3 and move on. Why bother to send more crap to a BM who probably has pilrs of it already. If you have things that are truly sentimental then get a storage bin for each child and let them put in certain items as they grow, when they move out/move on they get to take their own time capsule of childhood memories.
Ye olde BM black hole vortex.
Ye olde BM black hole vortex. Usually the BM either sells the stuff that ends up at her house, donates it or throws it out.
With a high conflict BM, you need to do the strip method. Soon as the skids hit the front door, they strip what came from the BM's and put on what you provide. What items are at SM's stays at SM's. Skids go back to the mothership in the same duds and with the same items they came in with.
That's how we handle
That's how we handle clothing.
Friday night one of them will start the wash and by Saturday morning the clothes are folded and place with their backpacks down to the underwear and socks if I can catch it.
Sometimes we have a little argument over shoes but it's settled easily enough.
Rare time's there will be some sort of confusion and something incorrect will go back but it's always something old so I'm never worried. SO know's to look out for particular items.
I would suggest a few books
I would suggest a few books and a couple stuffed animals they can take to their mothers place if they ask permission from their mother first. Then everything else could go to a women's shelter. Kids end up there with nothing but a backpack if they are lucky.
I would not send toys to BM's
I would not send toys to BM's house without asking her first (without the kids knowledge) - if she has no room for the toys you are forcing her to be the bad guy making the kids toss them and that isn't right.
In your shoes, I (aka DH since I refuse to communicate with crazy) would tell BM that we had too many of x toys at our house and were planning to donate these older toys. SS has said in the past he has no toys like that at your home so I wanted to offer to let him take them to your house so he can continue to play with them there. Then if she says yes, you ship them off to her place with a clear understanding to the kids that this is a one time event strictly because of the clean up. If she says no, you just donate the toys and don't let the kids know that taking them was ever an option.
No do not send it to BM, it
No do not send it to BM, it will give the wrong message to them.. if you allow them now to take something to BM they will start taking everything.
That's the way kids are...
I would simply tell them, lets sort the toys, what you don't want any more we will make in parcels and deliver it to the less fortunate, and you take them with, they have to hand it out.... orphanage, poor neighborhoods, the nicer toys and stuffed animals can go to a children's ward for really sick kids... this way you teach them to give and not only accept.
What Acra says! I wouldn't
What Acra says! I wouldn't involve BM in any way. But it's a great learning opportunity for the kids to share with those less fortunate.
BM always sent toys over to
BM always sent toys over to us and I donated them to the local daycares and to DD's school (school for SN kids)
Consider donating the toys to a local children's hospital or child care facility
I agree completely with Acro,
I agree completely with Acro, if you send toys (or anything else) once, they will think that it's OK all the time.
That said, DH or I cull the toys at our house and donate what they're not interested in. No use in trying to get them to do it for me. SD is a freaking hoarder and SS is nearly just as bad.
I have tried to put it in SOs
I have tried to put it in SOs head that we need to start purging some of the toys.
They have a large collection of nonsense that about 95% of goes ignored/untouched.
He's under the impression that when we move and have more room it doesn't matter. Yeah, no. We are not dragging a mess with us.
Since they don't acknowledge any of it at our house let alone play with or properly care for any of it I see no need to transfer the mess to BMs house.
They'll have the opportunity to sort and keep a certain amount, the rest will be trashed or donated as appropriate.
Given the choice, I imagine they'd just take everything to BMs to rot rather than see it gone - even if they wouldn't recognize while sorting.
Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, mine, mine, mine. Bleh.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice.
I work in a hospital so I'll do some asking around and see about donating some of the stuff here to give the kids some stuff to do. The blocks should fit in great since they are easy to sanitize.