I think there are a lot of variables that go into this.

If there are kids involved and they are younger, I think having the ex there would be beneficial to the kids. If my DH were to die, I'm not sure I could stand to look into his kids' faces and not bawl harder. Having BM there would be helpful. On the flip side, if BM were to die, I would expect DH to be there to help with the boys (especially since he would be there sole caregiver at that point).

However, kids are older, divorce was years and years ago, and ex has been a pain ever since? Unless they show up apologizing and showing real remorse, I'd be annoyed and probably angry.

My XH and I didn't have kids, the split was messy, and we don't talk. If I found out he died, I would probably send a condolence letter to his family with a donation to some charity (not that I think he would have a charity picked out...). I wouldn't go to the funeral, but I would at least acknowledge his death. Oh, and I would send the card to his sister, not his new wife. His family would appreciate the thought; I don't know if his wife would.

Overall, this is a topic that causes me anxiety, not so much with DH as with other family. When MIL dies, BM will go to her funeral almost guaranteed. MIL's family HATES BM. I can't express just how much they hate her, and they aren't shy/quiet about it. FIL's family doesn't like her either, but they are civil to everyone. MIL's family will come to FIL's funeral (despite being divorced), BM will be there, and then we'll have another round of screaming-fighting-witchfest.

When my Dad dies, I think everything will be okay. I haven't met his new GF, so I don't know how she will react when my Mom and SF go to the funeral. When my Mom and SF die, there won't be any issues with my Dad. There will be if my SF's ex-harpy shows up, especially if she shows up with my SSis's bio kids because my SSis will be there. Cue my SBro flying off the handle when his BM and sister get into it over the kids and my SSis decides that she is going to be the most hurt by my SF's passing. It'll be a disaster, and I will have bouncers for those funerals.

I don't think so but my BM does, well to DSOs families funerals.

If it was my DSO, I probably wouldn't even go to the service but have my own wake. DSOs family would never ask her to leave and since we aren't married, I really have no right to ban her.

DSO brother, DSO was very close to this brother, passed away 2 years ago. BM was at the funeral home for the whole time, both viewing sessions and the service. When they allowed the guests to view the deceased in the coffin for the final time, BM stared at my DSO the whole time she was in line. I stared right back at her. She caught my eye 1 time and looked away but then openly stared at him again a few seconds later.

edited to add: youngest skid is 16.5, so no young children and the brother that passed away hated BM and she still parked her butt there for hours.

Dunno - but a friend of the family's did it right. Had the wake for her DH in her home... and security at the door turned the ex away.

I'm sure my parents will go to each other's funerals when the time comes. And I'm sure my mom would go to my SM's and vice versa.

Speaking if something was to happen right now... I would go to BS's dad's funeral. We (along with DH) get along cordially with him and I would want to be there for BS.

With that being said... I would be very upset if BM showed up at DH's funeral because she has sent him texts in the past (within the last year) stating that she hopes he dies.

I think everyone should have the right to say their final goodbye. Some should do it note quickly than others.

allowed? Well, since funeral homes are public places, there isn't anything that can be done.

Should they go? I think that depends on a lot of variables.

Did you murder your Dh

I have varying thoughts on the question. I have no issues with an ex quietly attending an ex's funeral IF the ex spouse can behave, be discreet and properly pay their respects. On the other hand, if they are coming to say 'look at me' or make troubles , best they stay away.

So for me, it's a case by case consideration. My ex DIL did attend my mother's SO's visitation (not the funeral which was held the next day). There was nothing at all inappropriate about it nor her presence. She brought GS (60 miles away) and then left GS with my DS (GS's father) and the rest of us after paying her respects.

My mother's SO had been like a grandfather/dad figure to my ex-DIL and first met when ex DIL was a foreign exchange student in my home. My mother's SO was the only grandfather GS had ever known. ex DIL walked up to casket with GS, me (Grandma), my mother (great-grandma) and my sister (Aunt). She stood and viewed the family photos that were on display(yep, she was included in a few of the photos displayed), she expressed her sympathies and she made her exit.

I will say the only one with her nose out of joint over it was my new DIL. New DIL pouted. Which to me was absolutely silly. New DIL was the one who spent the entire evening present, did the dinner with us after the visitation at my mother's , who I helped make sure had two appropriate black outfits to wear to both visitation and funeral and who I knocked myself out being sure she was introduced around and who I made certain was physically comfortable all evening.

Yes, she privately gave my DS h*ll that exDIL was 'allowed' to attend but she had enough sense not to say one word to my mother or I about it. She just quietly pouted for us. Personally, I wanted to tell my new DIL to knock the crap little pouty face off and grow the h*ll up. Except for like two minutes when ex DIL came up to say she was leaving and had put GS's bag in my car because DS's car was locked and that she would pick GS up at x time in three days, Ex DIL never came near DS nor said or did anything to call attention to herself. My mother's SO had loved exDIL. He loved GS and he was very good to both exDIL and my GS.

There was nothing improper nor inappropriate in ex DIL attending. There was absolutely no reason for my new DIL to have her panties in a bunch.

But with all that said, I can very well understand why some of the cases I've read about here on ST would not want their ex present. Nobody really wants their ex who may have spent years harassing you and making troubles for you, coming and plotting her *ss down and/or socializing like a happy social gathering while you are sitting/standing there mourning and already trying to come to grip with your grief. In these types of situations I feel the ex should have enough respect and consideration to just stay away. I, however would not 'forbid' if holding a public visitation. If I wanted to be sure the ex didn't attend I would likely do a private visitation.

DH and I have discussed our (hopefully far in the future) funerals. We expect them to be extremely low-key and PRIVATE (immediate family ONLY).

BioHo is not immediate family. She is DH's EX 'ho and not welcome. The skids are old enough that they don't need Mommie Whorest to stand there and hold their hands.

My first ex is in jail. If he was out and tried to attend, 2 of my siblings would probably be arrested for assault. My second ex and I are friends (and I'm still friends with his son, sister, and mother) and no one (not even DH) would have a problem if he attended.

In the situation where there are minor (or even fairly young adults) left behind, I can see how the surviving parent would want to be there to support their children and that barring the EX making a scene should be allowed to do so.

If the divorce was not a particularly bitter affair then it also might be ok.

Quite frankly, a funeral would be a place where we would hope everyone could put aside their differences and act like adults... including the new spouse.

There was a long time I thought that I would lose it if BM showed up at DH's funeral, should he pass. But now as time goes on, I really don't care. As long as she didn't park her fanny on the front row trying to play wifey, and left after she said her condolences, I would be civil.

However, One of my Dear friends just went through this same thing. Her FIL passed. BM2 Showed up and stood by the Sign in book receiving mourners and greeting them like she was still in the family. The MIL apologized to my friend and said that was not acceptable for BM to do. However, the next day at the funeral, BM2 was there again, went to the graveside service and even went to the dinner for the family afterward. Not one person from the family spoke to her. I know BM2 and my friend hated each other but I still don't understand why a person would go to a funeral where they know they will be the outcast.
Some people just like drama.

Oh Lord...

My ex died a year and a half ago. Suicide. We had been split up for almost 6 years. He had been with another woman for a year and a half. They had recently gotten married. The woman called me 2 hours after he died running her mouth and calling me names. She did everything she could think of to keep my from bringing my DS to his father's funeral. He was only 9 years old.

She threatened to call the police if I brought him to the funeral home or church. When she found out that they wouldn't help her if she called them she filed for a emergency restraining order against me. I received a certified letter from the judge at work one day. The letter stated that the emergency restraining order had been denied and they had scheduled a hearing for after the funeral. Which she didn't even show up for.

She refused to let DS participate in anything related to the funeral. He was not allowed at the family viewing or the family dinner that she had scheduled for immediately before the funeral at the church. Ex's family was pissed. We have always been on good terms. They all told come and bring DS anyway, but I refused. I didn't want her to cause a scene. She named her children as his children in the obituary and named DS last. DS was ex's only child.

She was horrible to his family too. Two days before the funeral she tricked DS into telling her where he was by bribing him with some of his dad's belongings. DS was at my sister's house while I was at work. She went by and picked him up. I flipped and called the police and ex's mom and she tracked her down and got him back. I was pissed.

DS and I ended up with basically an entourage of body guards from the time of his death until the funeral was over. I did bring DS to the funeral home. My mother came with us along with about 6 members of ex's family. She showed up while we were there with her sister and her kids. As soon as she saw us she high tailed it out of there. No one even said anything to her.

We went to the funeral too. We sat in the back. There were 3 entire rows of my family, including DH and my parents, and several of DS's teachers and his principal. She refused to let DS sit with the family. She didn't show a single ounce of sadness during the funeral. She kept turning and staring at DS. She never cried a tear until it was over and they started letting us walk out. Them she had this huge dramatic loud bad actress sobbing going on. Everyone was looking for me and DS outside of the church. DS couldn't handle the people coming up to him to talk to him about his dad. He took off for the car and DH and I followed him.

We went to the grave side service too. She was the first one to leave after it was finished. We found out later that she was an hour late to the family dinner. When she finally showed up she was laughing and carrying on like it was a party. She continued to torment this family for nearly a year afterwards. Including refusing to give them anything of his. She donated it all to a thrift shop and they had to go and buy back mementos that they had wanted.

She started dating one of his best friends less than 6 months after he died. She was a real winner...

If my DH were to die - the only good thing about it would be that I would have carte blanche to behave EXACTLY as I liked to NPD BM. If she were to show up at his funeral I would punch her as hard as I could, which is what I have been dying to do for the last 15 years.
I would also be able to give up all pretence of having a relationship with my SDs.

Honestly, it sounds like you're looking for something to be mad over with BM or spoiling for a fight with her. You're DH isn't dead, and there are no immediate funeral plans. Why are you so concerned and hot under the collar for something that ISN'T happening and hopefully won't happen any time soon?

I guess I look at it as it's one day.. a couple of hours. You really can't be the better person for a couple of hours? SO what if BM makes a scene, then SHE is the one who looks the fool. I'd rather have that, than exclude her and make myself look the fool for excluding her when skids would need her most.

I think a funeral is a very ridiculous space to show spite for another person. The only time I would not allow someone to be at a funeral is if they were:

1. A danger to someone present
2. A perpetrator of violence or any crime to a person present
3. Making it clear that their attendance was solely to cause pain to others who were mourning

When I attended DH's funeral, he and I had been separated. If anyone came up to me and told me I had no right to be there, I would have told them to go f***k themselves. I was in mourning just like everyone else and had come to pay my respects. Thankfully, despite his family showing themselves to be a bit petty and spiteful, I was not asked to leave and a solemn event was not used as a way to punish who they pleased.
I suggest putting more time into considering a living will and all of the truly more complicated parts of navigating someone's passing. The funeral, while often expensive and heartbreaking, is the least complicated part.

Most of you know the story about how BM did not tell DH when their older son died. She held the funeral out of state and told everyone that DH couldn't be bothered to come. True evil. Ss32 was also complicit in that travesty.

DH is close to his son, but respects my wishes not to ever lay eyes on him again. Honestly I would do everything in my power not have to deal with either of them if DH predeceases me. I am older than DH. But his cousins seem to be dropping like flies in their mid 60s.

I don't think BM would come. SS would arrive belligerently drunk out of his mind and start destroying things and throwing punches. Wish I was making that up.

If they come to the service there's nothing you can do about it, I would not mind at all, after all they did share a life together and they did have a kid...... so BM is welcome if she wants to...

but with what happens after the service, nope sorry not welcome cause you are not invited.... I will not allow her to come into the house for cake or what ever, she can attend the service and leave... nothing more.

About year ago, my SO told me that if anything ever happens to him, he does not want his ex-wife at this funeral. He really can't stand her and he made me promise....lol. Even through my grief, I would be happy to turn her away. Although I wouldn't have to....his sisters would do it for me.

Barring extenuating circumstances, yes I think an ex can attend a funeral. We encounter many people in our lives. Some of those encounters are complicated. That doesn’t mean we don’t mourn those people.

Here in Fairyland anyone who knew the deceased is welcome to a funeral- I went to my ex-parent's in laws funerals and my ex came to my mum's funeral. These things are about honouring the dead, not causing WW3. The party after, different matter, but a funeral is a public occasion.