:jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Hell to the no.

To all of it.

I'd be telling DH, that's okay, I'll stay home with the kids. And anything he spends on the trip/gift comes out of his own account. If he can't afford it, tough sh¡t.

I can't believe DH just agreed to pay for a third of it without even talking to you. If my DH did that for even $100, that's piss me off.

And dang, a 20k wedding gift? I wish I had invited your DH to my wedding. Our biggest gift was 1k and we were shocked and extremely grateful. 20k would have paid for our wedding.

Basically, you guys would be spending 50k+ to be treated poorly by BM and company. Is it worth it? Bet you won't even get a thank you.

Just tell them that you and your girls will not be going to the wedding.

Mrs Zipper unbelievable!! I agree with above posters stay home with your girls. I sure hope MR Zipper is saving enough money to treat yours and his DD's in the same royalty.
Your DH has totally disrespected you with wheeling and dealing behind your back that will affect you and your DD's in the long run. That is not a partnership.
Your SD sounds like an entitled spoiled snob who was nasty and cruel to you. She doesn't deserve your presence at her wedding.

I think unacceptable that you have to beg for kids to attend weddings of their siblings. I understand kids of cousins or friends not invited. But siblings? I will likely not to attend this wedding at all. And wouldnt bring my children. That's offensive.

I am not surprised though with your DH giving 20k wedding gift. I mean it depends on what he makes. My ex gave DD 20k wedding gift. He makes a ton. 20k isn't much money for him. Last year he got $1mil Christmas bonus. So it is all relative. For some people $20 is a lot, for some $2k and for some 20k is nothing. Just because some people would not give or can't afford such gift doesn't mean this man shouldn't. But that's a separate issue though

Can your husband adopt me?!?!?!?!

$155k to fly 120 people 20 hours away? And kids were not invited to the wedding? What were the invitees expected to do with their children while they flew 20 hours away to a wedding?

Those numbers are quite a bit larger than what most people are used to for a wedding. Does your DH feel like he has to compete with BM? Does he have the finances to do so? So this money would come out of a joint account.....what does this mean for your own DDs future college, cars and weddings? Your retirement? Does your DH have the same expectations for them and it's affordable?

So no one wanted your DH to chip in until he asked for his two DDs with you to be included, and now there was $60k price tag? Why didn't he say he had already offered to contribute, was turned down, so why the change in attitude? If the girls stay home is it no cost again?

Your DH absolutely should have discussed this with you ahead of time. But now, yeah, it's a difficult situation. It surprises me how these stories show up on ST. Doesn't anyone talk ahead about what will be spent on what? In his peacemaking daddy mind, he will pay to keep everything "equal" - a show of good faith to OSD - OSD will forget the difficult days when she was upset about SM and everyone will be happy and hold hands and sing. You're going to be the evil SM dredging up old memories and not basking in OSD's happiness.

If money is not much of an issue and your DDs will receive the same benefit as their older half siblings and your retirement is not impacted, I'd expect money to be paid for this wedding as with the others. If it poses a current or future hardship for your family, if DH is trying to impress others by throwing dollar bills around like frisbees, the financial aspect would bother me more.

You attending - or not - is a separate issue. You can't claim finances - you'd be paying for it anyway.

My exOSD had a fancy destination wedding in exotic location. We all stayed on the resort. But guests paid their own airfare and accommodations. Whoever couldn't afford it, just didn't go. I've never heard hosts paying for everybody's accommodations.

I just got done having a conniption over the 10k price tag for my sister's wedding for 150 people in bumble Northern New York.

60k is more than I make in a year and I'm 5 years in. Where, how do people have this much disposable income?! (someone tell me the secret) I will never understand it.

I attended a wedding like this last year, I swear the toilet paper had hunks of gold in it and I did not have NEARLY as much fun at that wedding as I did at my sister's and she was being a complete ASS the whole time leading up to it.

I know this isn't helpful, and I'm sorry, I wish I could be, but I wouldn't know what to do with a spare 60k-mind officially blown. But on the bright side- GO YOU! That's kind of awesome that you can even seriously consider doing it in the first place? Maybe we can just appreciate that? And I'm not saying people with money aren't entitled to have problems, I'm just saying that if you boil the problem down to bare minimum, it's a pretty good problem to have-so maybe if we appreciate what we do have, we won't feel so jaded by the rest of it and you can actually enjoy a super fancy pantsy wedding. Although I would try to teach my kids that you don't need to spend a ton of money to have a good time at a wedding, I mean, you never know, they could end up being social workers like me or have friends like me-when I found out how much my college roommate spent on that gold plated toilet paper wedding I literally threw up-I couldn't believe it. And the worst part-the toilet paper is the only thing I remember in any great detail-I couldn't tell you what the center pieces looked like OR pick her dress out of a line up.

Just saw a blurb in USA Today the other day that the average American wedding now costs $35,000. I agree the cost spent has nothing to do with having a good time. Most of the time, I find food at these events to be atrocious (bland, cold, undercooked). But, the best wedding meal I ever had was at a small town VFW in Minnesota. I think weddings, for the most part, nowadays are really nothing more than potlatches, an opulent ceremonial feast at which possessions are ridiculously displayed, given away or destroyed (trash the dress!)to display wealth or enhance prestige.

Prior to the two wedding hells I went through within two weeks of each other back in 2014 (one involving SD and one involving niece), I used to love weddings. Now, I get an empty feeling in my stomach whenever that word comes up. In both of my wedding hell cases, there was a lot of manipulation going on behind the scenes, which is why I always say the further removed you are from being a relative of the bride or groom, the better time you are more likely to have.

Hearing this, also makes me glad I forgo going to my SS's destination wedding. There was no way I was going to go and even risk being pulverized again, much less blow thousands of dollars for the joy of being treated so, so I just said "No, I'm not going." Hubby said to me, like it was some kind of threat, "Well, if you don't go, I'm not going then!" Yeah, like that was gonna motivate me to go. I just said, "You can make your own choice, but I'm not going." And, I didn't and he didn't either.

And I thought we were spending too much money on ours... now I feel super cheap.

"but BM called back after the second and said they really weren't planning on inviting kids, and if DDs were invited all of the other kids and teens needed to be invited too. But since this resort could accommodate kids, if DH was willing to share the cost, kids could be added to the guest list"

Well, Mr Zipper got exactly what he asked for and what BM said it would take. Inviting children. So ok, here's the tab Mr Zipper. The man walked himself eyes wide open right into this. He wanted to add children, offered to assist in paying for request. So he got his two included and who knows how many more from the 120 invited adults. So here is exactly what he asked for and got.

WTH is wrong with that man?!?!? And you know what? He's going to pay that bill no matter how much you squeal and/or how ridiculous the amount is. Why? Because they kid let him back in their lives and all these people are his new found BFF. He would be ashamed to back out now and it would be awkward arriving at the Country Club to golf...and the invitation to join them would be drying rapidly up.

I'm going to assume the man can afford this. So I see no point in you fussing over the price tag. This isn't about your two little girls attending for him. Nope. This is about him being accepted and rubbing elbows as the worthy equal with his new BFF.

This is a pretentious bunch he's hooked himself in. All these ridiculous parties and social events. Come on, a welcome home party after a three week f-ing vacation...I wouldn't be surprised to hear there had also been a going away party before they left.

This isn't the life and lifestyle I'd want my daughters introduced to and accepted in, but well, I guess that's between you and your DH.

It is WAY TOO MUCH! Sounds to me like your DH has been taken for a ride on the money train by the BM, SD and other co-conspirators.

You wrote: "To be clear, to secure 2 extra invitations so that our DDs can attend their half-sisters wedding, we have to hand BM a check for 50 to 60k. I had a burst of crazy, hysterical laughter when DH showed me the email, because even at only a third of the cost it's still an absurd amount of money. A third of this wedding is more than most entire weddings. I also saw that DH, without talking to me as promised, had emailed BM right back and said "That's fine, please let us know if we can help with anything." No, no, no you do not have to hand a check for that absurb amount of $ to anyone for their overpriced wedding. Do the checks have your name on them also? If so, no, no, no - you do not have to hand it over and there is no law saying you have to. If you and your DH are paying for your DDs to go, then they should go period. Why on earth would they want them to be excluded? Is it so you do not go?

This is what I would do: Inform my DH that since he didn't have the decency and respect to discuss this with me first, half of the wedding funds are coming from me and the amount is way to excessive, it is their wedding and they decided to have an overpriced, over-the-top event and stick us with a good majority of the bill, after SD has been so disrespectful and rude to your wife, HOW THE BLEEP could you basically plan behind my back what is going to be done with half of my money. I would also tell DH, if you want to pay that much toward the wedding, which probably won't last anyway, take it out of your own personal account - not mine and stand firm on this. Ask him to email BM, etc. saying she originally said his contribution was not necessary and he after he thought it through, he will only contribute xyz amount, nothing more. Nothing wrong with changing one's mind. Also inform your DH that nowadays RESPONSIBLE, RESPECTABLE adult children pay for their own weddings.

Zipper, I would not give one flipping dime of my money to what sounds like another hateful, disrespectful adult step. When the hateful, disrespectful adult steps I have to deal with got married and planned their weddings with no regard to cost, how far people had to travel, etc., my DH contributed what he could and said upfront what that amount would be, no more and that was that. Even when we were not married, he ran it past me. When we were married, I reduced the amount he contributed to the princess YSD's wedding quite a bit. Why? Because we are married, and last I checked half the money is mine, it is in a joint account, my name is on the check and I contribute to our finances. Nevermind the crazy YSD and her rude husband make much more than DH. Furthermore, why the heck would he want to give anything to anyone who has been so nasty to him and to his wife? I don't care if it is his daughter. Just because they are related does not make them a nice person. So, my DH had to take it out of his personal account where I contribute nada. I refuse to give my hard earned money to his hateful spawn for anything. They do not appreciate anything.

It it beyond my comprehension the way some adult children expect their parent's to foot the bill for lavish, expensive weddings. It is wrong. Many of these people make much more than their parents and can afford their own bleeping wedding. They expect people to travel far and wide and pay to come to a wedding that has approximately 50% chance of not lasting. They don't care if older relatives have to travel and it is inconvenient for many people to even attend.

Best of luck to you,

I was just talking to co-workers about this. The more expensive the wedding, the greater chance it'll end up in divorce. It's very strange the BM is communicating this to your DH instead of OSD. My dad helped with my wedding but it wasn't no $50K!

I don't think real issue is money. If people have money and clearly Zipppers are well off then it's not a big deal.

True issue is that these people don't invite their own siblings to their weddings. It's unheard of. I don't know who does it UNLESS people are completely estranged. My SDs don't speak to each other because when OSD did drugs and was breaking the law, she did some awful things so YSD likely will not invite her. Other than that it's unheard of.

I can't imagine DD and her siblings not inviting each other (DD had all of them there and they are much younger). I certainly wouldn't beg to have my DD attending her siblings weddings if she wasn't invited. I wouldn't go myself either

"Initial cost ESTIMATE" is 155K??? What.the.F??? We all know if this is the "estimate" the actual price will be MUCH greater.. it ALWAYS is. This is absurd, insane and downright gluttony by your OSD. To expect OTHER people to shell out that kind of money for one freaking day?? And the fact that you go from BM telling you there is no need to help defray costs, to Oh by the way, if you want your kids to come, it's 60K? PLUS that's not even really paying for them, as you will still have to pay for hotel, airfair etc?

You need to contact the Guiness Book of World Records, because that right there has got to be the most expensive dinner EVERRRRRR for 2 kids. What the actual F? I am just in shock.

I'm also shocked that your DD's SIBLINGS have never invited them to their weddings? I mean they should have been IN the freaking weddings?? :?

Hell no...

there is no way in the world that this is reasonable.

Your husband is an idiot if he allows his guilt and stupidity to make him cut a check for 60K...

Asshat makes millions, and I mean millions of dollars a year. He told DD26 and her husband that he would give them 20K for the wedding...he felt that was reasonable.

Just because MrZipper CAN afford it - and I actually wonder whether that's true - doesn't mean he should.

All he is doing is rewarding his older kids for being ASSHATS and teaching his younger kids that money is the glue that holds that family together.

Disgusting. All of it.

I don't think anyone is scamming your dh or taking advantage of him. Both families were going to pay for the entire thing until your dh called them multiple times wanting to add to the guest list. He was told if he did add to the list he needed to pay a portion and he agreed. He could have said no but he didn't.

I don't think he can back out now without losing face to all his kids and their families. I sure wish we had that kind of money. What's his career?

First, isn't one of the already married kids pregnant? How will a far away destination wedding work with that? I remember you post on the gender reveal party-- thrilled that I am not a mom of young kids during this Pinterest/instagram time.

Anyhow, I think this all ties back to his desperation to build a connection with his older kids. It sounds like that the relationship with his kids was rough for many and he is excited to be rebuilding a relationship with them. I also think i have written you before and mentioned that I suspect he misses the cultural familial aspect of Judaism. And reconnecting with his young adult kids has given that back to him.

I will say this, that even in some intact families, there is a desire to keep things as equal as possible in terms of spending. I have many friends who do this. So if they spend 20K on one kids wedding, and the other kid elopes, the one who elopes get a nice big check.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It is challenging. I can imagine that all this is bringing up lots of bad feelings. Perhaps a few sessions of couples counseling is in order.

Working with a neutral third party to help the two of you figure out how to navigate not just big life cycle things, but smaller ones, like holidays, grandparenting, etc that are always going to be out there, might make some of this stuff easier in the future.

Where is HRNYC ??? I would LOVE to read a response from 'her'

Wow Mrs. Zipper you are indeed married to Daddy War bucks. Here I thought the Movie Anne was just a Broadway show/movie I love to watch.

Some people can afford such lavish weddings AND it is expected by the 'circle' of friends, acquaintances and kids to do so.

I feel compelled to ask, What is the Dowry?

Maybe a gofundme might help???

Mrs. Zipper---I don't know what to say nor do I have advise. WE live nicely in my family but this, THIS is over the top even for me.

Destination weddings are lovely BUTTTTTT this?

Lucky island that this is happening on. So nice of your SD to stimulate their economy. #firstworldproblems

Mrs. Zipper, you would have gotten out of this much cheaper if you would have just brought DD's along and left them at hotel to swim or site see with a nanny that you brought along with you. And I'll respectfully volunteer to be that nanny if you don't have someone!

Wow........ if your DH wants to waste that kind of $$$ , that is on him. Not one penny had better come from an account you contributed to.

And if the fairytale wedding ends in divorce....lol

This is the cost of 4 years of state supported college, not a wedding... Maybe you and your husband live in MA. and just won the 750M lottery?

I am so sorry to say this, but this is probably the most horrible thing I have read on ST; the money, the way the decision was made without consulting you, the intention no children invite, the whole frigging thing reeks of indulgence. A week with the BM, geez they are just getting married, so leaving for the eternal pearly gates.

I recall a poster a year of so back who had a SD who picked out 25K china....husband paid for all of it, without so much as asking wife....

If you have tons of money, and I am talking lots of cash here...it is still ridiculous, honestly; just no way to justify all this much wedding indulgence for anybody!

One thing I've had to come to terms with, being married to my DH, is that he will move mountains to give me what I want. I may not especially like the price he pays to make sure I have my heart's desire but he makes sure I have it. I feel that maybe this is a similar situation that you are in, Mrs. Zipper. You have been upset that your DD's weren't invited to the last 2 weddings so your DH got you what you want. He can't change everyone else's feelings but he can throw money at this particular problem and smooth it over for you.

My advice? Go kiss your man passionately and thank him for helping you bring the family together. Thank him for sacrificing his fun money for your wishes for the DD's. Even if he didn't do this completely for you, your happy attitude will be a welcome relief from the greedy, combative ex wife.

Why are people focusing on the money issue instead of the fact that siblings are never invited to their older siblings weddings?

If people make a lot they are free to spend. Just because you wouldn't spend that much it doesn't mean anything. I like nice clothes but others think of it is a waste and shop in Salvation Army. Should I stop buying nice clothes?

Zipper, I assume your kids are well behaved from the sound of it. Could you confirm that's the case?

"The kids' table at the "no kids" wedding would have put me over the edge...."

This has had me pi$$ed off on the OP's behalf for a long, long time. Not only would I have left, I would have expected DH to stridently address it with his adult daughter. Instead he went on an a$$-kissing campaign with his older children. Combine those two things and my head would have exploded. DH would have gotten a new a-hole ripped by me.

I think both Zippers are kissing ass and begging for the younger 2 to be accepted.

I can't understand why parents are not doing all they can to shield their kids from being hurt. Why push to have them invited to an event when you know darn well they don't want them there. The invite should come from the heart, not from arm twisting.

What are the younger kids learning from all of this? How can the kids learn not to beg and kiss ass when their parents keep doing just that?