I don't think you need to intervene, he has a dad and his dad is capable of telling him to stop and reminding him.

I would leave it to DH to tell his own son to stop - but at the same time - I wouldn't hesitate to tell anyone else to back the hell off my husband, so I wouldn't hesitate to address it with SS if DH ain't cuttin' it.

Remember that DH will be tired, sore, irritable.... and I would absolutely try and nip any issues in the bud when it comes to SS being a monkey. For me I know it would only take one very firm "HEY. Your dad is hurt, stop climbing on him, NOW. Don't make me say it again." for SS to knock it off, but that's because of consistency - I know what to expect, and he knows what to expect.

Reminders about rules is great... but the follow through on consequences is BETTER.

How about using a squirt bottle on SS if he gets within 2 feet of your DH?

I hate this child is allowed to use his ADHD as a crutch and excuse. There is 'help' for this child. You can bet the kid no more enjoys being yelled at every 15 seconds anymore than Dad likes doing it (or wanting to do it). And do you plan on hiding out in your bedroom for years? Visitation isn't ending anytime soon, you know.

Why no one insist on taking this kid in and at least trialing a low dose of ADHD meds is beyond me. Is the child able to function in school, sit still and pay at attention to his teacher and receive good grades? Or does he struggle in school also.

I know some people don't agree with meds, but when everything else has been tried and I hear "I know the kid can't help it", I want to just scream. Yes, I agree that far too many children get labeled ADHD and given meds that are not truly an ADHD child, but for those children who really are an ADHD child.....argh, forget it, I don't want nor desire to start a debate on the topic.

But yeah, I agree with cutter, let your DH parent his way through his should surgery on his own. Your DH isn't a small child who you must protect and shield. He's a full grown adult *ss man who has made the decision to excuse his child and hand the child a crutch to limp through with.

The other thing is, of course it takes time for readjustment when the children have not been in a while. Different houses, different rules, different expectations, just different parenting and ways altogether. If your husband thinks having the kids while he recuperates after surgery is too much to handle, just cancel the visitation until he is up for it. You could , of course, intervene all you please, but I guess, I view rescuing your husband as showing your skids their father isn't capable of parenting two kids.

Of course, don't let the kids accidently hurt their father (example, sneak up behind Dad and jump on him without thinking 'oh, his shoulder'), sure speak up with 'hey, don't forget Dad's shoulder', but if you going to spend the entire visit jumping and hovering over DH , why set yourself up to be the evil SM, either cancel the visit or let Dad worry about himself. Or put the kid's in the car and drop them back off at BM's (I'll assume Dh can't drive during recovery). Make a clear statement as in 'nope, not happening kiddos, I warned you several times now back home you go'...but that would likely cause issues between DH and you.

I don't think what the best answer is.

Nope you do not intervene... Dh is getting his shoulder operated, not his tongue removed, he can speak for himself.

DH will probably be wearing a sling - so that might act as a visual cue to slow SS down. Why not try and involve SS in DH's care? Explain to him about the surgery and tell him what DH can't do. I know one thing he can't do is lift, maybe SS could lift things for him (like his shoes, or whatever. Let SS take him snacks or drinks. Maybe they could watch tv or play a video game together.

If SS feels like he has some ownership in DH's recovery, he might be more careful around DH.

Maybe while DH has some downtime you could give him some educational materials about ADHD medications so he can learn that they won't make his son a zombie.