SD's impact on DD(4) and how to explain things to DD
My DD is 4 now and starting to understand more about the world around her and asks many many questions about it. This includes questions about her half-sister and I’m not sure how to approach telling a child about some of the bad things that happen and concepts she isn’t ready to understand.
SD’s negative influence on DD worries me, but it’s less of behavior issues and more of the problem of her being around means that DD is exposed to issues like mental illness, drug addiction, moms abandoning their kids than just behaviors.
I’m not as worried about DD picking up bad behavior from SD because we’ve been very clear to DD to not copy SD and if she does, she will get in trouble. DD has seen and heard DH yelling at SD when she’s in trouble and she doesn’t want him to yell at her. We don’t have many behavior problems with DD and she’s a very sweet kid who wants to get along with everyone.
(Short recap: SD is almost 16. She struggles with mental illness. DH has her full time, but she’s been in a mental health facility after a suicide attempt and she’s back home now. SD’s mom is currently in jail.)
Until recently DD hasn't asked all that many questions about SD. There’s been issues in the past with DD hearing SD call me by my first name and thinking she can do the same. I’ve explained to DD then that I’m not SD’s mommy. She later asked where SD’s mommy is and I told her that I didn’t know (and I didn’t). She seemed ok with these answers.
A neighbor recently had a baby (and also has a 5 year old that DD plays with) so DD has been learning a little about pregnancies and baby bumps. I think this has brought up more questions about SD’s mom.
Recently I’ve explained to her that some mommies and daddies don’t live together and some mommies can’t be with their kids. She’s really upset about this and can’t wrap her head around it. I don’t want to tell DD that SD’s mom is in jail or even explain what jail is. Or about drug addiction. Or why SD can’t talk to her mom. I’m sure she’ll meet kids in preschool who have divorced parents, but I don’t think she needs to understand everything going on with SD’s mom. I want to pretend like SD's mom doesn't exist.
Wednesday morning DD and SD were in the family room and DD said something to SD that set SD off. DD came running to me crying because SD had been mean to her. DH yelled at SD and she stormed upstairs, slammed her bedroom door and then refused to get ready to go (she’s in a partial hospitalization program during the day at psychiatric hospital). DH was late for work and had to pick SD up in her pajamas and put her in the car (SD is only about 4’10 and under 100 lbs so any time she refuses to go to school or appointments, DH can still physically make her go).
The other issue is DD and her understanding of what’s going on with SD's mental health issues and based on what she knows, she says things that may appear to be very rude or insensitive.
DD knew SD was in the hospital (she’s had several inpatient hospitalizations) but DD’s only experience with hospitals was when my dad had heart surgery. When my dad was in the hospital, I explained to DD that grandpa’s heart was sick and the doctors were making him better. When SD went to the hospital, she asked where SD was sick. DH and I explained that SD’s brain is sick and the doctors are making her better.
DD doesn’t understand what’s going on with SD and I don’t want her to know about suicide or mental illness or any of SD’s problems.
On Wednesday after DH dropped SD off at the partial hospitalizations, SD was a crying, sobbing mess the whole day and vented to her therapist about what DD said and spun it to seem worse than it was. This program SD is in has a major focus on “fixing the family dynamic” and they want DD involved in family therapy and helping her cope with having a mentally ill half-sibling.
Honestly, I want DD oblivious to having a mentally ill half-sibling. I want her to have no idea that there are moms in jail or moms who walk out on their kids. I don’t want her to learn about divorce until she’s at least a few years older. I want DD to stay in a bubble where she doesn’t need to learn about the problems in the world until she’s old enough to handle it.
Are there any better ways of trying to explain to a very inquisitive 4 years olds about stepfamilies without worrying her? I've reassured her that her mommy and daddy will be here for her always, but she knows SD's mom abandoned her.
And no matter what DH and I tell DD, I have no control over what SD tells her - which is what my worse fear is. It's not DD learning swear words from SD, but DD getting upset because she's learning of situations she's not old enough to understand from someone who's saying things they know will upset her.
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The whole "family" is suppose
The whole "family" is suppose to be involved in therapy sessions (whatever the heck family is, since BM certainly can't participate) - but I think the idea is to help DD understand/cope. I just don't want a therapist helping her understand the situation with her "family". I want to control what DD is told, even if maybe what DD understands is a distorted view of things. It's my right as a parent to not tell her certain things.
I agree that YOU should be
I agree that YOU should be the one to handle what your DD is told. Therapy sessions to "help her understand" will probably just confuse her. She's 4, not 13.
Right? A 4 year old in
Right? A 4 year old in therapy sessions. Poor kid's gonna need therapy when she grows up!
No. They're at a hospital
No. They're at a hospital nearby. It's the only one in driving range with this type of program for teens and a spot open. DH didn't get to pick who would work with SD.
What SD said that DD said comes off initially as sounding pretty bad. But it's being taken completely out of context. SD has spun this like she's the victim and the therapist has bought it.
I'll admit that SD was doing
I'll admit that SD was doing poorly enough on Wednesday that they considered not letting her come home and putting her in inpatient care.
What DD meant to ask was if
What DD meant to ask was if SD's mom left because SD was sick - that SD's mom couldn't care for SD. What it sounded like was DD saying SD's mom didn't want her anymore because SD is sick.
... I don’t want her to learn
... I don’t want her to learn about divorce until she’s at least a few years older....
This I don't think you can avoid. Her dad, her BF, your husband was divorced and has a child from the marriage. That child, his daughter, your SD, lives in your house. You need to explain it in a way she can understand. She doesn't need a lot of detail, but she does need a general explanation.
I don’t want to tell DD that SD’s mom is in jail or even explain what jail is. Or about drug addiction.
She knows that Grandpa went to the hospital to get his heart fixed. She knows sister is going somewhere to deal with her brain. How about SD's mom is at a place where she can get the help that she needs. Not really untrue as jails have programs to help prisoners so that they can function in society when released.
SS is about to be six in a
SS is about to be six in a week. This past year he started asking questions like that. He understands babies grow inside their mom's tummies. He'll remind me of the days BS was in my stomach and sometimes he'll say "remember when I was in your stomach..." or here recently it's been "Why do you and dad live together" and I'll tell him because we are a family and DH is my best friend. He'll say stuff like "well dad and BM were best friends once did they live together". I say "yes" and he'll ask why they aren't friends anymore. Now the truth (she's a serial cheater) is obviously not appropriate so I just said "sometimes people just stop being best friends and they find other friends to be with instead". He seems content with this shallow version of the truth because now he'll say "yeah so now you and dad got to be best friends and be a family and now we have BS2"
In your case I think a shallow version of the truth might work. Something like "there's a lot of kids who don't live both their dad and their mom together. Some kids take turns seeing their mom and then their dad's and sometimes they don't. SD lives with us because we take care of her when she doesn't feel good. Then recall a personal memory like of you helping your daughter feel better by taking her to see the doctor or to get medicine and say that your DH takes care of SD the same way you take care of your BD.
Discussing divorce with DD is
Discussing divorce with DD is difficult because DH and I am not sure how to answer the why questions that will inevitably come up. I want DD to believe two people fall in love and live happily ever after for a little longer. I know eventually she'll know that isn't the case and the situation with SD's mom is incredibly messy. I don't want her to worry that DH and I could separate.
I like your suggestion about discussing SD's mom and she has been in rehab and halfway type programs. What I'm concerned about is that DD has this idea that people go to the hospital or doctor and they become better quickly. What she is confused and worried about is that SD keeps going to the hospital and isn't better. I don't want DD saying anything to SD about what happens when her mom gets better. I'm not sure that will ever happen. DH doesn't want her to ever be a part of SD's life. So we would need to be careful to explain that to DD. But it's hard to know what she will say to SD.
Everyone else has already
Everyone else has already given you good advice on how to discuss things with DD, so I'm not going to do anything other than say I agree with them.
But I do want to address something else I saw.
Wednesday morning DD and SD were in the family room and DD said something to SD that set SD off. DD came running to me crying because SD had been mean to her. DH yelled at SD and she stormed upstairs...
SD was a crying, sobbing mess the whole day and vented to her therapist about what DD said and spun it to seem worse than it was.
What SD said that DD said comes off initially as sounding pretty bad. But it's being taken completely out of context. SD has spun this like she's the victim and the therapist has bought it.
What DD meant to ask was if SD's mom left because SD was sick - that SD's mom couldn't care for SD. What it sounded like was DD saying SD's mom didn't want her anymore because SD is sick.
Completely, I know SD has major issues. No one is denying that. But please do NOT go away thinking that DD did nothing wrong at all. It was not purposeful but DD did hurt her sister's feelings. You and DH know what DD meant but that is not what she said. And as SD does have mental illness, has been abandoned by her mom, and doesn't feel like part of your family (from the Christmas blogs, obviously it may have changed since then) then DD's words probably hurt very badly! On top of that SD got in trouble from her dad for it. From SD's perspective, she is a victim. It's a VERY good opportunity for you to discuss with DD how words can hurt unintentionally and that even when it's not what we mean, if we hurt someone else's feelings the right thing to do is apologize.
The mama-bear came out when you saw DD's tears. But the tone of everything you've posted puts the blame squarely on SD, even though you admit that what DD said came out sounding like SD's mom didn't want her anymore. A neuro-typical kid wouldn't take that well either, but would likely be more willing to accept it as a mistake. Your DD is old enough to be learning that words can hurt unintentionally, and that it's probably better not to talk to SD about her mom because it hurts. Everything I've experienced with BS4, BS2 and read tells me that empathy must be taught to children, and this is golden opportunity for your DD to have an example of it.
Please understand I am not coming down on your DD at all! 4 year olds ask uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful questions because they don't understand that those type of questions hurt. They are just trying to figure out the world. I'm just more concerned that you are acting like there was no hurt involved because DD didn't mean to hurt.
We've definitely used this as
We've definitely used this as a teaching moment for DD helping her understand that words can hurts people's feelings and she shouldn't say something that might make someone sad. But she's 4 and SD is a teen. An immature teen but considerably older. We've told SD if DD is bugging her to leave the room. But she likes to retaliate and make DD cry.
It sounds like your DD is
It sounds like your DD is trying to make sense of her world and figure out if she'll be abandoned too . it's time to talk to her in age appropriate language about her family story. She can know about jail. She can know about how people land in jail. What she seems to be craving is reassurance that even if she is sick, you will always be with her and be her mom.
As for words can hurt, a four year old does not have the cognitive ability to think outside herself. That's why there's the only expression of out of the mouths of babes. They are unfiltered. You can teach them not to tell someone they're a stinky poo poo head, but you can't teach them to think through whether or not a question will be hurtful. Maybe tell her to ask you any questions she has about her sister, but you need to be prepared to be honest, in an age appropriate way. She knows you're keeping stuff from her.
I would vote no on the DD4
I would vote no on the DD4 going to the family therapy. You and DH can go and therapist can offer counseling on how you can work with her in age appropriate manner.
Meanwhile why are you leaving DD4 and SD16 alone together even for a few minutes? I do not know the background story....but if SD is so unstable why leave her alone with DD?
And why is DH yelling? Yelling is not an effective parenting tool. Yelling comes from a place of frustration and weakness. No wonder DD is fearful. Please stop the yelling and find better way.
No offense meant..just my thoughts on your post.
Best wishes
We have an open floor plan so
We have an open floor plan so I could see SD and DD but I was far enough away I couldn't hear exactly what she was saying. I dint particularly like them being together without supervision but that's mainly because of what SD might say than SD hurting DD.
Yes, DH yells too much and he is so frustrated with SD. There is no possible way anyone would not become frustrated with her. We literally 20 minutes before told her to leave the room if DD was annoying her and she didn't do it. She refuses to listen or even comply with the most basic instructions.
Think about this.... Why not
Think about this....
Why not tell DD, BM is in jail cause she used drugs she was not suppose to and now they need her to stop and clean herself so that she can be a good mummy to SD again. Also say SD is not really sick, she's hurt because her mummy is in jail and thus she acts out, I would try and explain... BM was smoking when she was pregnant with SD, and that's why SD is acting funny sometimes, it's bad to smoke around babies....
But I will tell DD BM is in jail cause she was very very naughty and that is what happens in life... if you are naughty you get punished. Maybe DD will think then twice before being naughty and she might have more understanding...
She's to young to know her sister is crazy, I would simply go with SD is very hurt cause she can't see her mummy..