overwhelmed and no alone time with SO
I don't even really know where to start with this post. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now (plans of marriage in the future). He has 2 sons from a marriage. Still legally married, still going through the divorce right now. They have been separated for 4-5 years now.
To start out, he has the kids almost full time. She comes up from her state randomly, basically whenever there is a court date or other court-appointed meeting with whomever. This means that the kids are ALWAYS with us. The last time me and bf have had alone time together was 6 weeks ago, and he was sick the entire time. He will not find someone to watch the kids so we can get out (or stay in) alone together. This is really getting to me, all parents need time alone with their SO, let alone a "step parent."
On top of this, he expected me to just watch the kids for the first 2 1/2 weeks of summer vacation without even making sure I would be willing to do it. He had no other plans, just me. It has made me do a lot of thinking. He just expects me to watch the kids while he is at work from June 14th -June 28th. I don't know if he has ever spent 14 straight days with his own kids without getting a break (going to work, having someone else watch them, etc.) and he just expected me to do it no problem because I was available. It made me realize just how much he cares about not spending any money at any time for someone to watch the kids, whether it is so I don't have to, or so we can have some alone time together.
Their mother will be here the 28th of June (there's a court date on the 29th, go figure. She only cares to come see her kids and can't come more than a day before the court date) and will be here until the 8th (guess what? The one sons birthday is the 7th and probably the only reason she is staying that long, but yet wants full custody of the kids).
I was expected to watch them again after that while she was gone, but I put my foot down last night and told him I will not do it. There is another court date on July 17th (and she will probably make her way back up on the 16th) still hasn't said one way or the other. Still don't know how long she plans on staying either. Think she expects to be able to take them back with her to her state after that, but don't know exactly what is going to happen.
So even though there are going to be two 1-week periods where the kids with be with their mother this summer, most of that week will be spent making up time at work, going to the court dates, seeing the kids on the birthday, and 4th of July, etc. So it still doesn't seem like much of a "break" from the kids. Can't plan ahead for a weekend getaway alone, because don't know what is going on, when she is staying/leaving, what is happening after the 2nd court date, etc. And he just made a dentist appointment for one of the kids on Aug 28th. They go back to school a week later, the day after labor day. So even if she does take them, the kids will be back that week, and I will probably be expected to take care of them that week too (not going to).
I have no problem with the kids, I just want some alone time with my bf to connect as partners. It is necessary for a healthy relationship. But I see his views are going in the opposite direction, whether he recognizes it or not.
... "Not only am I not going to try to get alone time with her, but now I am going to take away her alone time from all of us and get her to watch the kids for me so I don't have to spend money on childcare." that't what it feels like.
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Why are you available to
Why are you available to watch his kids for 2 1/2 weeks, do you not work?
Sounds like he need you around to be the nanny.
work from home on own
work from home on own schedule
Then tell him you are working
Then tell him you are working and will not be available for babysitting. Is he always so disrespectful of your time? And to you?
Frankly, it sounds like he has some things to work out before committing to a relationship.
I am more concerned about the
I am more concerned about the lack of alone time than watching the kids. It does cut in to my ability to work, but I already agreed to doing June. I made it clear that I am not doing it again (not for days/weeks at a time anyway). I have no problem doing it for a day here and there (holidays that he doesn't have off, when they are sick, etc.)
Only having alone time when she decides that she wants to come see them is a huge issue though, and causes some other issues in the relationship.
How old are you? If you are
How old are you? If you are under the age 60, RUNNNNN!!!
How old are the kids?
How old are the kids?
7 and 8(9 on july 7th)
7 and 8(9 on july 7th)
They mostly entertain
They mostly entertain themselves (their mother bought them tablets, tv, their toys), but it does cut into my ability to fully focus on what I am doing. To be clear though, my income comes from my own work (websites, etc.) That I can choose how much work I put into it, when I want to work, etc. It is not a work from home position for a big corp that I need to put in 40 hours a week. I don't make much right now either, still trying to build it up.
So if they entertain
So if they entertain themselves, no one is actually parenting or fully invested in them. So typical in these situations. Imagine how much they could learn in a high quality daycare.
I don't think that is all
I don't think that is all true. Sure he may have been an inconsiderate partner for expecting me to watch them for such a long time this summer, and expect I will watch them whenever she isn't around until after the second court date, but this is the first time he has asked/expected me to watch them for weeks at a time. It is usually only 1 time every few months, and he has gotten better at that too. He has more saved time off now, so we split it basically. Some times he will just stay home, other times I will watch them. I have no problem with that at all.
I don't know how to talk to him about wanting QUALITY alone time though, that is planned (not just spur of the moment when she decides to come up, which is only when there is a court date).
Last summer, the kids were with his parents in another state for a large portion of the summer, and was planned ahead of time, and we were actually able to enjoy the alone time. I need more than just a few weeks in the summer. Once - 2 times a month is more like what I need, but don't know how to plan ahead, and he doesn't like to plan ahead right now because new things are always popping up. Can't even plan for the kids to go to his parents for a couple weeks right now because she might want to see them, etc.
Procrastinating. He does that
Procrastinating. He does that a lot, with almost everything. Even the child care for the summer, which is another reason why he had nothing else planned.
Filed in August when she ran off with the kids to her state (after her not really being a huge part in their lives for 3 years). Taking this long just to get to the mediation court dates (they will not come to an agreement), so even after the July court date, it still won't be settled. It will then have to actually go to court for a judge to decide.
I still do not live with him, which is another part of why watching the kids is a huge strain on me. My sleep schedule is not "normal" and never has been, I cannot sleep before 1:30 am, and usually sleep until 10 or later, with constantly waking up during the night. These weeks, I have had to get up at 6:45. So it is also interfering with my sleep schedule, and I had no time to even try to prepare for it, as I didn't know for enough in advance that he was going to want me to watch them for so long. The apartment is very small, and not in a good area. I can hear noises from all directions, and is hard to sleep here. I cannot even go outside during the day, cannot let the kids outside to play, etc. Need to wait until divorce is settled before he can get a house (or else she could go for asking for half of the house too).
She definitely think it
She definitely think it revolves around her. When she calls and wants to talk to the kids and we are busy or can't talk, it is always "you are trying to keep me from my kids."
The last time she was here, she wanted to leave early saturday morning before the kids were even up, and wanted bf to pick them up at that time. She wouldn't accept that he would just take them friday night instead and kept saying stuff like "your not the end all be all" and "you don't get to make all the decisions." Well excuse me, HE is the one with the emergency custody order saying he has full physical custody right now.
Why are you waiting for this
Why are you waiting for this man???
His divorce is dragging on and on because he procrastinates. That is NOT an admirable quality. Your marriage may well be occur some time in 2025.
Your SO seems to think that working from home means "free to babysit". If you were in the office, or called into the office, who would watch his children???
He has his children full time and see nothing wrong with Quality Time for Adults. Him being sick does NOT count as quality time.
Please be honest with yourself and ask "Why am I staying with this man??". DO NOT USE "because I'm in love" as a reason. Make a list of good and bad. I have a feeling the bad will outweigh the good.
BTW, as a chronic insomniac, I KNOW how crucial sleep is to your mental AND physical health. Do not destroy your health. This situation is definitely NOT worth it.
~smooches advice.only~ Thank
~smooches advice.only~
Thank you for those questions! I'm trying to be coherent on 3 hours of sleep and 1 cup of coffee. :O
You're dissatisfied, and you
You're dissatisfied, and you should be. But you are also partly to blame, as you've allowed your BF to exploit you and tolerated his procrastination and disorganized personal life. It's up to you to have standards for yourself and to require any man that wants to be with you to meet those standards.
Future plans of marriage? Come on now, that's just silly talk. This man is at an entirely different place in life from you. He is MARRIED. He is in no position to be discussing marriage with you. He should be focusing on getting divorced, caring and providing stability for his kids, and then creating a doable coparenting arrangement post divorce. The fact that two years in he has accomplished so little would be a huge turn off for me.
You deserve to be courted, wooed, and proposed to properly by a man who is unencumbered, ready and eager to build a life with you. Why don't you tell this guy that the current arrangement isn't working for you and to give you a call when he gets his problems sorted?
I stopped reading half way
I stopped reading half way through...
All I can say - do not get married quickly, dang I want to suggest get your own place close by and move out, it's the best thing you can o for yourself, I'm telling you this out of experience girl.
Then BF can simply arrange daycare /nanny for his children, it's not your responsibility to play mommy for his kids and make that clear, you are not their mother and they are not your responsibility