Using all his vacation time

I am really frustrated with my dh right now. Both our girls are going into high school next year which is huge for them and both the middle schools celebrate it bigley. They both go on the 8th grade trip out of town for 3 days, they have awards ceremonies, they have lunch with the grads, they have the walk over and they have the water day/bounce house day. These are all on separate days at sds school. At dd's school they tried to compress the activities into fewer days. I have lots of vacation through work and dh does not. He has 5 days since he is new to this company. He is going to use 4 days of vacation to do these activities with sd even though bm is going. If he misses the start of his shift he can't go in late and he can't make it up. He has to use a whole day for each activity. That leaves him one vacation day till January 2018. I have already planned a few 4 day weekends that need his vacation time. I use Memorial, labor and the 4th as mini vacations and he won't be able to go if he attends these events. I had to come right out and ask him not to but because I am going to my dds then he feels I shouldn't ask him to miss his. I'm just frustrated right now and I feel that he is putting sd ahead of our family vacations right now.

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My son who is finishing 7th

My son who is finishing 7th grade would be so embarrassed if I came everyday. I understand the award ceremony..if they will be receiving awards but to watch 8th graders play on a waterslide/bounce house? No way would I take off work for that.

They need parents to

They need parents to volunteer and sd wants dh to go. I understand that and I am going to all of these with dd but hers are compressed into 2 days plus i am chaperoning the field trip. Neither girl seems embarrassed to have us go. At the water day and bounce house they need parents to make the popcorn and snow cones, run the bouncy houses, supervise the kids and run the games.

You said bigley

You said bigley :jawdrop:

It was the only way to

It was the only way to describe the bull shi# the schools are doing with all these activities. This is just 8th grade stuff and not even club related activities or band. We have 4 evening activities this week for dd and sd. I'm just frustrated.

if you feel this way, why are

if you feel this way, why are you attending all of you daughter's events?

Because I have the vacation

Because I have the vacation time to do so and it won't effect our family vacations.

These graduation things are

These graduation things are getting out of hand. All that for 8th grade graduation.

It is insane. They do more

It is insane. They do more for the 8th grade graduation then my friends kid who is graduating!

I hate that it's even called

I hate that it's even called "graduation." It's not a graduation. It's changing schools.

You graduate from high school and college.

The. End.

He's willing to miss this

He's willing to miss this year's mini vacations in order to do the exact thing with his kid that you plan to do with your kid.

Instead of trying to get him to do something that you aren't willing to do, why not just work with what you have?

Keep the vacations in place as planned. You and your kids can on to the locations on the first day and husband and his kids can meet you there later. Having him there for a few days is better than not having him there at all.

We travel out of town so 3

We travel out of town so 3 days is doable but not worth the hassle. He has already said he won't be going. I just asked him to cut back what he is doing and not use all his time. Bm will be there so sd will have 1 parent to support her. she doesn't need both.

If he already said he won't

If he already said he won't be going, I would take him at his word and do the vacations without him. Yes, it will suck. No one wants to go on vacation without their DH but it is what it is.

Personally, I think he will realize he made a mistake. Except for the 30 seconds your kids name is being called, graduations are boring. Watching kids on bounce houses is boring (can't tell you the number of hours I'll never get back due to bounce houses) Parade, boring. Vacations with family, sounds so much better. His choice.

Both of the girls schools did

Both of the girls schools did a parade and water/bounce house, award ceremonies and lunch with the grads for 5th grade since they were moving to the middle school. YES I said parade.

Graduations (or stepping up

Graduations (or stepping up ceremonies) are common here in NYC for
PreK
Kindergarten
5th grade (this was 6th grade before major Bloomberg pulled 6th grade out of elementary school and put them in middle school)
8th grade
12 grade

Each grade has a ceremony, class trip, (5,8 and 12) have a dance or prom. (the verbiage used varies from school to school, but it's the same thing)

At my school, the kindergarten classes go to Sesame Place each year for their class trip. Graduation is a week later.

The 5th grade goes to Great Adventure. A week before graduation they have a family picnic/BBQ in a local park. Graduation (in caps and gowns) and prom (in the school lunch room) are the same day.

This has been the norm in NYC for decades. I'm 49 and did the same stuff when I was growing up here.

wow, i grew up in a burb

wow, i grew up in a burb north of NYC as well. the only moving up days we had was from elem to middle, then middle to high. and even then there really wasn't any pomp and circumstance to it, it ran very similar to a typical awards night.

It isn't cost effective to

It isn't cost effective to take 2 cars and he won't drive for just the 3 days. 4 is worth it and 3 isn't. I agree with him on that. I'm just frustrated. He doesn't need to go to every single thing when it will interfere with our vacations. Bm will be there so sd won't be without a parent.

I guess it was asking to much

I guess it was asking to much to miss a few of sds celebrations at going to high school for me. Once again I get the piss end of the stick.

The SD is his kid and he

The SD is his kid and he wants to support her. It doesn't matter that BM will be there. He's her parent too. If he doesn't care missing the other vacation stuff then so be it, It's his time and you planned it. Did you give him any say? Did he realize it would mean not getting to be there for his daughter?

How would you feel of he asked you to not do the stuff for your child so that you could take a trip with him, his child, and you?

If the roles were reversed I

If the roles were reversed I would miss all but the awards ceremony for dd. I even offered that that should be the only activity we both go to so we could save his days. We planned these vacations every year and he looks forward to them as much as I do. We really really need these to decompress and reconnect. We have struggled so much this year financially and with our relationship that we need this time together. But that doesn't matter as long as sd gets what she wants.

...At the water day and

...At the water day and bounce house they need parents to make the popcorn and snow cones, run the bouncy houses, supervise the kids and run the games....

My kids went to school where none of this happened. Water days and bounce houses at schools are unheard of. There's one award/ off to high school day t

I think it's called field day

I think it's called field day but I couldn't remember the name so I called it water day and bounce house day. They did it when the girls finished 5th grade and moved over to the middle school. They attend different schools in the same county and both schools do it.

" I have already planned a

" I have already planned a few 4 day weekends that need his vacation time. I use Memorial, labor and the 4th as mini vacations and he won't be able to go if he attends these events. I had to come right out and ask him not to but because I am going to my dds then he feels I shouldn't ask him to miss his. I'm just frustrated right now and I feel that he is putting sd ahead of our family vacations right now."

While you were planning these mini long weekend vacations as "family" vacations, did you consult with your DH? Did you ask him if that's how he wanted to use his lousy five days off?

Perhaps your DH believes that sharing in these childhood memories of her advancement into HS is worth not going on your multiple mini "family" vacations. That doesn't mean you and your daughter cant go on the long weekend trips and enjoy the time together anyway.

We both planned them. He

We both planned them. He booked them and/or got permission to use a cabin. We do these every year and have a great time. Some state parks allow reservations 11 months in advance and he booked those. He also got permission to use the cabin from his cousin for Labor day. This isn't just me, it is us. He is just backing out so he can attend everything sd wants him to. She is more important and I need to learn my place.

"We do every year and have a

"We do every year and have a great time"

This may be why he is willing to miss it this year. Clearly this graduation is a big deal to him. He's willing to miss out something he does every summer in order to share in this with his daughter. As long as he's willing to go back to the normal summer plans next summer, there is nothing wrong with what he wants to do this year.

If he wants to use his 4 days

If he wants to use his 4 days of vacation to participate in these activities so be it. It's his time, his choice. You gave him another option and he is choosing to volunteer at SD's school. I think 4 days is a little much. I am an active parent and I would never use 4 vacation days to volunteer at the school like that... but that's just me.

...At the water day and

...At the water day and bounce house they need parents to make the popcorn and snow cones, run the bouncy houses, supervise the kids and run the games....

My kids went to school where none of this happened. Water days and bounce houses at schools are unheard of here. (I can't even envision a bounce house for eighth graders.) There's one award/ off to high school day that parents attend. There's a field day with games that about a dozen parents volunteer for.

Since DH has limited vacation days and plans to use them for this, there will be no mini vacations or vacation this year. However, next year he may value his days differently.

I can see everyone thinks i

I can see everyone thinks i am wrong but this just really sucks. Being a part of a blended family sucks. I hardly ever ask for anything from anyone and when I do I get slapped down. My feelings, wants and desires don't matter. I look forward to these vacations every year and they are my happy time. For dh to just dismiss me like this is hurtful and it really pi$$es me off. I do so much for everyone and I ask for so little and I am reminded yet again I am the gum on every ones shoes!

I've decided I am done. I am

I've decided I am done. I am going to disengage from dh and his kids. He is going to see how it feels to be last and that you don't matter. Its time he learns how that feels! I am not doing sh!t for any of them anymore.

Wow. You're done because he

Wow. You're done because he wants to attend all of his children's events JUST LIKE YOU ARE??

I have to say I think you're being selfish. How can you fault him for doing THE SAME THING that you're doing? Because he has less vacation time?? That's THIS year. It just so happens that the graduation activities are also this year. He didn't say he no longer wants to be married. He wants to attend these activities for his kids. JUST LIKE YOU.

I agree that 8th grade graduation (or Kindergarten or 5th or anything other than HS and college) is overkill and pretty much considered a pointless ceremony. But it looks like both of you deem them significant. These things don't happen EVERY year. They happen once in a lifetime.

As someone else said, you could do some STAY-cations. If you plan to stay married, you two will have lots of vacations together. WITHOUT kids.

It only "hurts" the marriage

It only "hurts" the marriage if the OP allows it to.

This man has done exactly what she wanted to do in regards to summer vacations for YEARS. Now the ONE time he wants to do something that is important to him and she is giving him grief.

Now, if the man had a history of blowing the OP off year after year, then her stance might be valid. This is a onetime thing, then it will be business as usually next summer. Hopefully by the time high school graduation comes around, this won't be an issue.

But OP's DH has the vacation

But OP's DH has the vacation days to attend the activities. He is not taking days off without pay. I don't consider this the same as the $500 situation.

I have more vacations days than my husband. He will be taking off a day for PrincASS's graduation. He is also taking time off to drive PrincASS from the base where he has basic training to the base where he'll be stationed.

So. I can either take a shorter vacation WITH him or go by myself. I prefer to vacation with my husband.

I totally get you. Two years

I totally get you. Two years ago, DH used all his time on skids even though he promised me some days. Now, he works a job where he gets zero vacation days. No vacations for us in the last two years. Steplife sucks sometimes.

The fact that he has gone

The fact that he has gone with you every year proves that he isn't ignoring your feelings, wants and desires. Actually he could argue that you are ignoring his feelings by giving him a hard about passing up vacations this one time.

I don't think you are wrong.

I don't think you are wrong. He should make a compromise. Does he REALLY need to do all 4 days? I don't know many other parents that would take the full 4 days off of work. IMO I think it's a little ridiculous.

If that is how he wants to

If that is how he wants to use his vacation time so be it. He would also be spending time with his daughter on the vacations that he planned with OP.

Me as a very active mom would not be using 4/5 vacation days where I would probably only see my child for 20 minutes the whole time.

TBH, this is ridiculous. My

TBH, this is ridiculous. My father NEVER took off work for one of our school things. My mom didn't even come to all that kind of stuff!!! In fact, I don't remember our HS awards day ceremony even having parents in attendance. I certainly didn't want my folks around either during middle or high school.. but kids these days..

So she DOES wants him there. Maybe he needs to tell her that he can only come to 2 of 4 days and which ones does she want him to do? As far as "why does Step sis get to have her mother there for all her stuff??" "Well Sm has a lot of vacation. I don't have that much." Certainly it's not like him missing an event or two is going to be on par with him missing the daddy daughter dance right?

I would see it very much as him prioritizing his child over the "family".

In the end, I might see if he would compromise even just a little bit with you. Maybe you each pick one day you won't attend (to not make the girls feel badly) so that he will only take 3 days and not 4???

I agree with this. DH has 5

I agree with this. DH has 5 days of vacation. SD wants him to come to her events. OP wants him to come on their usual family vacations. Apparently DH wants to use 4 of the five to do ALL of SD's events, while missing ALL of OP's family vacations. Doesn't sound like a compromise to me.

And yes, they are his vacation days, and it's his RIGHT to decide what to do with them, but it's OPs RIGHT to decide that this isn't exactly what she wants in life...

The fact that OP is going to her daughter's events is irrelevant because her doing so doesn't impact her ability to go on family vacation.

I don't think you're wrong

I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way that you do. You're feeling like he doesn't believe it's as high a priority to regroup as a couple on these vacations as it is to see his dd through her activities... and so you're feeling dismissed and left behind.

Realistically, though, graduation is a one time thing... and although it sucks that he's using his vacay time for that instead of for your planned mini vacays, it's kind of the right thing to do.

While you're getting your cake and eating it too, he can't. It's neither of your faults he doesn't have the vacay time.. it is the way it is.

If the child was both of yours, would this be bothering you? Maybe...but not likely...

You've had a rough year together, you do need time to regroup.

I'd suggest discussing with DH that you two need some time alone to reconnect...and try to find a compromise. He's between a rock and a hard place right now... he feels the pull of his parental obligations... yet that means the couple needs to take a step back... and is feeling pressure from you, making he has to push his SD's activity back... one can be done in another way, another time, one cannot.

You can reconnect in other ways than going on a mini-vacay. I know you look forward to them...and it sucks that it's not going as planned... but you are asking him to forego a once in a lifetime thing for your SD, for a mini vacation you take every year, with you...

I don't think it's really him putting you on the backburner, or feeling you're not as important, I think this is just one of those things where the kid should come first...

I can understand how you feel though, and it's not easy being placed further down the priority list, whatever the reason, and even if it's valid.

I understand that a kid's

I understand that a kid's graduation is an even that will happen only a few times (though they seem to be more and more frequent these days.

However, having both parents attend all the peripheral festivities is asking a lot. As someone said, they are an involved parent and 4 days of vacation seemed a lot to them!

I would think that the main ceremony and the awards ceremony would be more important. The bouncy house day? I don't think that's a big deal for a parent.. not ever parent will be attending that and the water day for sure.

It seems he could shave at least one day off this gradstravaganza so that the whole family could have a fun vacation for everyone.

Step life does suck, no

Step life does suck, no argument there. For these mini vacays can you take a different friend and make it girls' day out? Maybe a sister one time a good girl friend another time and your daughter and different time. He is spending his time they way he wants and while I understand the feeling of be cheated out of your time with DH i think i would sulk, get mad and get it out of my system then replan those days to do some Doorsy centric things and some Doorsy & co specific things.

I think you and BD need to go

I think you and BD need to go and get away anyway. Maybe let BD invite a friend and do a girls weekend. You need the break and some fun sunshine and relaxation. Just think of it as a SD free mini vacation. It will be peaceful.

He's got one more day of vacation. Why not have him make it up to you? Send both girls off to a relative's house one three day weekend not already booked and you and DH go alone and have a mini 'us' getaway. No kids. An 'us' weekend would be more adult fun than a family weekend.

I just looked at your old

I just looked at your old blogs. I did not realize you were the SM who left Sd's backpack at school because it was taking up space in your car. The backpack and hanger saga kind of explains your husband's stance on this.

Echo, Disney is correct.

Echo, Disney is correct. Here's the blog.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/235244

I'm just hoping that the

I'm just hoping that the three day out of town class trip isn't until after May 20th because OP's daughter is grounded until then.

These two have been at this crap since the sudsy Christmas roast.

Thanks for the laugh!

I can see why your upset he

I can see why your upset he is giving UP your family vacation time. Please explain his point to attending. It's NOT huge for goodness sake. Don't you believe you are over reacting a tad?

Lets get to the nitty gritty.

MIDDLE School Graduation is as absurd as Kindergarten or Elementary School Graduation.
It's Everyone wins a trophy garbage.
Meaningful Graduations are for 12th grade and College
Sheeshhhh I have kids around your students age and going to 8th grade graduation is NOT going to be on our list. Heck we may go off for the weekend early. Thank you for this heads UP

Next. I find it rather odd that a parent is attending the play day activities for almost High Schoolers...Bouncy House are you serious? There again we have the helicopter parents busting in to Middle School kids activities. This is the time where this age starts to not want Mommy and Daddy around.

No wonder so many kids who are adults live off of Mommy and Daddy until they are 30 years old.
JMO of course. ONe more thing....since hubby doesn't have anymore vacation left I sure hope you plan a wonderful one for yourself. NO JOKE.

Does the Bouncy House have a

Does the Bouncy House have a bar?

No Zing Zang?? I'm putting

No Zing Zang??

I'm putting Kahlua and milk in MY sippy cup. LOTS of Kahlua...

I just saw zing zang at the

I just saw zing zang at the gas station.. never heard of it before lol.

But Monkey, it's not us you

But Monkey, it's not us you have to convince nor does it matter what any of us think...it's her husband. And he doesn't give a hoot what you, I or any other member here thinks.

He's made his decision and he doesn't care what OP thinks and/or says about it. *shrugs*. Being right or wrong in his choice doesn't seem to concern him.

Both of these people in this post of OP (herself and her husband) may be better off if they did divorce. They've been fighting over the two girls and anything and everything for months and months.

That is kind of what happens when a husband and wife play tit for tat ...they destroy their marriage.

Thank goodness someone said

Thank goodness someone said it. I was wondering what forum I was on... }:)

reconnecting is definitely a

reconnecting is definitely a need.... but taking a vacation to do it, isn't. It can be done in other ways than taking a little holiday.

I'm certainly NOT kid-centric

I'm certainly NOT kid-centric (ew). Nor am I saying OP's DH is right OR wrong. I'm saying he's doing the same thing with his vacation days as she is with hers - attending their respective children's events. OP happens to have more vacation days than her DH. THIS YEAR.

Do I think 8th (or 5th or Kindergarten) graduations are overkill? YES. But this is happening THIS YEAR. It's not an annual thing. I do not believe that people need to take vacation to work on their marriage. Lots of folks do it with counseling and date nights and weekend getaways.

I never said it applied to

I never said it applied to all. I was generalizing. And I am certainly not trying to get into some kind of p!ssing contest quibbling over some, all, many, etc.

Neither you nor I know everything that is going on with the OP and her DH. If her DH had the same number of vacation days, would OP still be upset her DH is attending his child's events? I think she would.

Kids are only young once and perhaps OP's DH wants to do these things with his child just like OP is doing with hers.

Flying in for 3 days will allow them both to have their needs met.

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Using all his vacation time

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