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Entitled Brat Finally Showed Herself

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 1:51pm

I usually just post on the forum, but thought maybe blogging would let me relieve some tension (and chat about other things).

SD has been on this whole "I want a better relationship with DH and half sister" thing. I knew it was bullshit from the start because her birthday is coming up and she does this every single year in advance of her birthday and Christmas. She's lobbying for gifts. DH never wants to acknowledge this, but whatever.

So, me and DH got into it. He "helped" me with something and I guess he thought I owed him the world, so he was treating me like I was lesser than. I went OFF on him about it. We talked it through the next day, but I guess he decided it would be best if he had his visitation with SD on his own. He took her to dinner and she refused to talk to him. She avoided the conversation by watching sports....and she doesn't like or play any sports whatsoever. She also initiated no conversation with him. This was his first solo outing with her in many, many months.

About a week after SD's revelation about a better relationship with DH, BM texts DH about 2 extremely extravagant gifts for SD's birthday. DH commented back that "there are several reasons why I won't be buying those gifts". On the way back to BM's house, SD says, "so, what are these several reasons why you won't buy me those gifts for my birthday?" He went crazy. He told her that she only wanted a better relationship with him because she wanted gifts, that she is materialistic, spoiled, and selfish, and that he is tired of her disrespecting and rejecting him, his wife, and the rest of the family on his side. Told her that he wasn't buying anything for her for her birthday (and lots of other conversation). Then he called BM and went crazy on her about letting SD see the text and charging him up.

On one hand, I feel bad for the guy because he's so disappointed that the relationship is so poor that it's not likely to be what he wants. But on the other hand, I'm smug as hell that she finally showed her hand and now he can quit shaming me about how terrible of a SM I am.

Comments

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 2:37pm

Yep, he will. He's done this in the past. He doesn't buy her anything for her birthday typically and buys her very little for Christmas. Her mom buys her any and everything she wants, even if DH says no. She uses that to PAS her out. DH doesn't agree with it and will not compete with BM for her love by competing and buying more.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Wed, 04/12/2017 - 7:41am

How does not buying her a birthday gift make him a bad dad? Good parenting is about teaching morals, values, personal value, blah blah blah

My parents didn't buy me birthday gifts past a certain age and I have awesome parents. I didn't buy my own biokid a birthday gift this year. I'm not seeing the correlation...

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 2:33pm

She's 12.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:03pm

He did try talk to her. He asked her tons of questions, but I think the frustration came from the fact that she claimed to have wanted a better relationship, but the only conversation she initiated was that regarding what he could buy her.

This kid doesn't want a relationship. She wants an ATM. Her mom told DH that she doesn't care what they do with their relationship and she has such loyalty to BM that she was ready to fight DH (see previous post about her balling fists up at him).

That might work for a reasonable, sensible kid who has people talking to her and helping her realize that he does wants to be a part of her life. No matter what he does, she trashes him.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:22pm

Problem is, BM already went against DH's wishes last year and bought her a high dollar smart phone and a high dollar laptop. Now she wants another of each.

JadeMom's picture

Submitted by JadeMom on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 2:34pm

My SD was the same way (though maybe not so bad). She only wanted to see DH if it was close to Christmas or her birthday. For two years we only saw her those two times. Any other time DH didn't exist. She wanted to hang out with all of us for her birthday, but refused to celebrate her siblings' birthdays. Thank goodness my kids are too young to even notice/care/really know who SD is - but my younger SD8 (different BM) noticed and was very upset over it - still brings it up sometimes.

DH still tried to reach out to her, and finally realized that she was only talking to him for the gifts/money. She knows that DH loves to spoil when it comes to Christmas. He loves Christmas and always went out of his way to get SD's gifts to her whether she wanted to hang out or not.

Last year? DH woke up. He called SD on her birthday (ignored) and sent her a happy birthday text (ignored, because it didn't say the usual, "how about we..."), the same for Christmas. We didn't buy her any gifts. Why would we buy gifts for someone who doesn't want/have a relationship with us?

Text from BM: "dont u contact my daughter, she doesn't want anything to do with u or ur kids. u upset her too much and she doesnt need more stress"

My eyes rolled so hard that I couldn't see straight for a week.

Good to hear that you DH finally realized how SD is!

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:08pm

How? Her mother is doing nothing to encourage the relationship either. She's feeding into the monster.

I'd genuinely like to know how to get an actively and fully PAS'ed kid back on board.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:11pm

I'm talking about her learning some humility and appreciation. She doesn't have to be destined to a life of selfishness, entitlement and greed. I'm saying her character is still being developed.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:14pm

Indeed it is. I just wonder how those things can be learned if her primary parent continues to give in to her selfishness, entitlement, and greed.

I think if BM would stop being an ass and get on the same page as DH, she could be an okay kid. I just don't see how that's going to happen if the person she is with 90% of the time is fueling the fire.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 6:06pm

Teach her through example. Start volunteering at an animal shelter or something similar and take her. Let her see how good she has it.

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:04pm

OMG this is exactly what BM did to DH. My SS's only call or text when they want something. BM just recently admitted that she has them text him for things and to do things. And of course when DH would say NO he would get iced for months until they had him begging to see him. DH would then cave and buy what they wanted and the cycle would start all over again.

Only now DH has finally gotten the clue. He stopped caving and buying them things. And he never sees them...

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 04/11/2017 - 3:36pm

Sometimes you have to step back and let DH experience his horrid "cherubs" for himself and all the resultant PAS. Otherwise SM becomes a convenient scapegoat.

After I disengaged, Chef got to see the Girhippo's PAS up close and personal via his "angels."
It wasn't a pretty picture.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Wed, 04/12/2017 - 7:50am

But if you had someone completely over riding you, creating issues, PASing YOUR kids against YOU...

Things would be different.

DanielleR is right. These boards wouldn't exist if everyone parented perfectly. Clearly, that is not the case and we need this to vent. Like she said...you've got this all figured out. Give us the answer to perfectly parenting these little PASed angels. I'd pay you my weight in dollars.

SouthernBelle1908's picture

Submitted by SouthernBelle1908 on Wed, 04/12/2017 - 7:47am

Yes, he has a court order and he actually sees her MORE than the court order states. It's still not primary time, but it's more than I like to be bothered with the brat.

I agree, he has his faults at parenting. I have lamented about that in the forums before. Because of that, among other things, I disengaged.

I am not one of those "blame BM for everything" wives. I realize very well that my husband holds a lot of responsibility in these failures. There is much more to this story that I did not write. Do not assume the whole picture when you only have a glimpse at one snapshot in time.

He will not own up to his failures. Been there, done that.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 04/12/2017 - 7:51am

calm down lady - I do remember your stories and I do remember encouraging you to disengage...

you did the right thing, and posting what happened between DH and SD is nothing more then sharing a bit of a vent, I feel your DH improved allot.... normally he would've jumped and got SD everything she wanted, lately your DH is more teaching her then giving... he is improving and it's a good sign

you do not have to explain anything you do not want to Biggrin