How do we handle the car?
Dh has 50/50 of his oldest dd who turns 16 next week. Dh wants to buy her a car for her birthday. She isn't a bad kid and she will have to get a job for insurance and gas. He is thinking $3500 max and he has found a few for her. The problem is she will want to take it to bms on her weeks. I know bm will drive it so I don't want that and neither does dh. He wants her to keep it here while at her moms. Sd got upset because she is going to be working but won't have a way on moms time since mom lives further away and unless she does uber (no buses and uber will eat up her paycheck) she won't have a way to work. What do you guys do?
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I'm going to look for one. Do
I'm going to look for one. Do you know of any brands?
We just added a tracker thru
We just added a tracker thru T-Mobile on SD's car after a big speeding ticket resulting in a court appearance. The tracker tells us where the car is parked, the battery life, any recalls, the average speed and logs each and every trip made in the day. DH has an app and monitors it.
Is your only concern of her
Is your only concern of her taking the car to BM's the fact that you believe BM will drive it? If that's the case, and depending on how much you trust SD, I'd suggest giving her a firm rule of BM is NEVER to drive the car, and at the first inking that she has, the car is never allowed over there again. I know they make GPS tracking stuff to put in vehicles and you could monitor locations while she's at BM's if you felt it necessary.
Bottom line, I get y'alls concern, but if she's a decent kid, I'd try to make something work if she's willing to stick to the rules.
Yes. Bm is a drunk who has
Yes. Bm is a drunk who has wrecked many cars and has no license. I know she will want to drive sds car. Dh is worried she will wreck it and our insurance will be responsible.
sd can also be charged with
sd can also be charged with allowing another to violate state law. in my state that carries a hefty fine and up to 12m probation. you may want to make dh and sd aware of that....
Sd will be getting her
Sd will be getting her license next week and as far as we know bm doesn't have a license because of multiple DUIs.
Dh can fix cars so if it
Dh can fix cars so if it breaks down then he will cover the repairs and sd covers the parts.
I totally get your concern
I totally get your concern and at first glance the GPS tracker seems like a good solution.
But just playing Devil's advocate here: What happens when SD wants to help BM out and drive BM to the grocery store or take her mother to work? Is that against the rules? You will be able to see that the car made a trip to the grocery store and to BM's work, but how will you know who was driving?
That is a problem. I can't
That is a problem. I can't tell sd no to driving her mom to work or to the store. That puts sd in a really bad predicament.
I agree. It would be very
I agree. It would be very wrong to tell her not to help her mom. Unfortunately though, that makes getting a gps tracker almost pointless. You would never know the difference between who was driving.
I think your best approach is a very serious conversation explaining the rules and the consequences, and then trust her to follow them.
Well.. it would tell you if
Well.. it would tell you if the car is being used while the SD should be in school. Still might not be 100% bad. Plus it also gives info on driving habits so they can coach her if she is speeding etc.
I would just say ANYONE who
I would just say ANYONE who is not insured on the car CANNOT drive it or you two will accept that she has proven too irresponsible to listen to the law and take it away. That means ONLY her (and you two if you get yourselves insured on her vehicle) can drive it. If BMs license has been taken away, that's an even greater reason to stress the importance of NOT allowing ANYONE to break the law by driving her car.
But honestly, I wouldn't get a 16 year old a car. My husband is 26 and in driving school to get his license (long story but he comes from a super small town where not many people drive) and he said everyone who is under 18 seems super immature and doesn't pay a lot of attention to class and such. And back when I did driving school at 18 or 19, everyone younger than me was that way as well.
It's just too young to truly appreciate and respect the freedom that comes with having a car, IMO. Also, if you are worried about stepdaughters inability to say no to mom driving her car, than there are far too many other things you should consider - will she say no to drunk driving? will she let friends drive the car? She needs to be a strong enough person to say NO to something that's wrong before she gets a car.
In some towns like ours, it
In some towns like ours, it is almost impossible to function without a car. I personally cannot wait for DS15 to get his license because I get tired of sitting at practices for 2.5 hours waiting for him since he cannot drive yet. I don't want my own car to be tied up, so that's why we got DS a vehicle. That's why most families around here go ahead and get (usually used because it's a pretty middle to lower class area) vehicles for their teens.
I may have forgotten to mention, there is zero public transportation. No buses, no trains, no trolleys, no trams, no taxis, never heard of anyone using uber here. Usually a store or even the school is 5 plus miles away, so walking is not an option.
That may not be the OP situation, but that is what it is like here.
You have to have a car here
You have to have a car here to. It's not possible for her to ride her bike to a job. I guess she could uber it but that would be eating up her paycheck.
What's wrong with kids
What's wrong with kids working in HS?
Yeah.. I had multiple jobs in
Yeah.. I had multiple jobs in HS. At one point, I had an after school 2 hour commitment at a office on base.. plus was in the commissary bagger rotation and was also working at the base pizza parlour. Oh.. and varsity cheer. For some odd reason, that was my highest GPA time!
Did you do pretty good at the
Did you do pretty good at the base commissary? I always imagine that people make pretty good money.
Are you assuming that OP and
Are you assuming that OP and her DH haven't already asked these questions and obtained satisfactory answers? Because honestly they don't need to report the answers to YOU. Of course school is job #1 and grades should never be made to suffer. But working a few nights a week and on Saturdays teaches work ethic, financial responsibility, and provides motivation/ ambition. Some would say that these lessons are even more important than learning ancient history.
Yes! I had a job since I was
Yes! I had a job since I was 16!
I was an A student.
It was part-time and I made sure it worked with my schooling.
I was just talking with a friend about this and how working in HS really helped us be independent in all ways: time, money, school, responsibility, etc.
There's a lot of stories out there now about kids who have never worked and when they get to college and have their first job at 18 are completely inept. Not all, but a LOT. No help from parents at that point.
I agree.. but there is always
I agree.. but there is always a "but" isn't there...lol.
I also agree that children's school is their "number one job responsibility". Having an after school job to earn money for cars, spending money etc.. is secondary to the primary job of schooling.
I will say that honestly, for me, and both my SD's school wasn't overly burdensome in HS. I took AP classes too. The course-load just didn't require all that many hours outside of school. Shoot, I could study for quizzes the day of and do fine most of the time. Was I straight A? no.. but good enough to get into an Ivy League college. It's good to keep in mind that universities look for well rounded students. That means more than just academic success. Extra curricular activities and after school jobs showed that balance.
So what I guess I mean is that if the child is handling their school job with relative success (B average or better) then they have earned the right to try to add something extra to the mix like a job. Having a job is more than just earning money to pay for a car, it teaches all sorts of real life lessons that are also important.
It is often one of the first times that kids have to deal with people outside their normal clique/age/demographic. It gives them a chance to see what minimum wage is really like to earn.. pay taxes.. learn how menial the tasks are and hope they can do more someday!
So, if a kid is doing their school job, an after school job should be encouraged.
Sd will work as much as she
Sd will work as much as she can under the law. Both dh and I had part time jobs in high school and it teaches responsibility.
I may be piggy-backing off
I may be piggy-backing off your blog, but I am afraid my ex husband is going to be this way with my son who turns 16 in October. You see, we halved the cost of DS15 a Jeep, and I indeed paid my ex husband half. It needed repairs, so I have also paid half the repair bills. It is titled in my ex husband's name because he is the one who happened to find this jeep. DS15 is counting on it being his and being at my house etc. He is only at his dad's once per week. Nothing has happened yet, but I am afraid exH will try to say it can't come to our house because one of us might get to drive it....but then it won't really be fair because I paid for half of everything and DS is only at his dad's once per week. I hope this will not happen, but I worry it will.
In your case, I almost say (and this may sound weird given my above worry) that if your skid wants to be able to take the car with her to BM, then either she or BM needs to pay half the car.
I don't really need or want
I don't really need or want to drive it, so it doesn't matter to me if he wants to exclude me. I also don't mind paying all or half the insurance. I am not sure if I could get a policy since it is titled to ExH, but if he wanted me to I would. If it will be best to add me to the title, I am OK with that too. It's just whatever is best for DS and so that he can actually drive his vehicle. I guess we will see how it plays out. I may be worried for nothing. I wish I had thought about it before agreeing to halfsies because if it all goes to heck and exH keeps the jeep there, I will be out around 3500-4000 cash with the price of the jeep and then the repairs. I guess we will see in Oct.!
I am CP and he is with me 6
I am CP and he is with me 6 out of 7 nights per week. All school records and Drs etc have his address as mine. As far as I know, that would be his legal address then. See how complicated steplife can be on all sides? See, I read you wrote that earlier about titling a car to a minor, and I had no clue a car could be titled to anyone under the age of 18 or 19. I guess exH and I have some paperwork to do and decisions to make.
My parents insured me and my
My parents insured me and my car was in their names. I was never on the title but I was on the policy.
mine did too, but mine were
mine did too, but mine were still married so I guess it was not such a conundrum. I looked online at my state and could not find that answer, so I may call them and ask later.
Online it says it varies by state on the age a vehicle can be titled to someone. It honestly does not matter to me as long as DS gets to have his jeep. I don't want or need to drive it. I can hand exH cash for half an insurance policy, or we can add me to the title, or I can get a policy, or we can title to DS and get HIM a policy.... none of it matters as long as exH does not hold the car hostage from DS. I wouldn't be so adamant that he allow ds to be able to drive it to my house except for the fact everyone in our lives knows that I paid half of it all (exH wife knows too. She is not drama or anything). I could shoot myself for getting into this situation with exH. This is why I never ask him to pay for anything, not even half. Neither one of us gets child support. When the decree was written, exH had 50 50 back then, and with 50 50 we did not have support ordered. It never has been ordered since, and now we no longer have the 50 50. I used to ask him to reimburse me half of everything, but now I just don't bother because it is not worth the hassle of dealing with it all.
It never hurts to call and
It never hurts to call and find out for sure. My ins company said anyone in the house should be on my insurance. Skids were not resident.. so weren't on my insurance.
I actually looked at adding them, but it meant that ALL my vehicle rates would go up because they assume the kid has access to ALL vehicles.
Thank goodness since they weren't we had insurance separate at their address for them.
We had to rent a car for SD
We had to rent a car for SD once. When we went to return it we couldn't because BM had it and SD was driving her POS.
I was very upset and told SD that BM wasn't an insured driver (she wasn't) and that if anything happened to the car we would have no choice but to charge her with theft. We couldn't afford to pay out to the rental agency and the insurance company. SD was in tears, and we talked about why she'd let her mom take the car.
What came out was that BM felt that anything they had was shared between both of them, clothes, computers, food, cars. They were best friends and shared everything.
I'd always know that, it was something I'd seen from day one. It was a turning point for DH, to hear SD say it. He made it clear that anything that came from him/us was for her and her alone.
SD is still besties with her mom but I don't think she shares her stuff as much. Of course when she got her MacAirbook for Uni DH made sure that it was staying with her and BM wasn't going to use it.
There is no such thing as a
There is no such thing as a stupid question, lol.
I was raised that if you thought something your parents said was stupid or dumb you thought it really hard, by no means would it roll out of my mouth. Even though my mom hated my dad she would have beat my as* for disrespecting an adult and especially one that is my father, the man that provides for me. Her hate for him because of what happened between the two of them did not override her parenting me.
What downsouth does IS PAS -
What downsouth does IS PAS - and not even you can change those facts.
She actively encourages kids to be disrespectful of their father.
She trashes him to the kids.
She subtly and not so subtly instills fear in the kids, fear that is completely inappropriate.
Why on EARTH would a grown ass man with his own vehicle is going to drive the kid's car? Why even bring that up??
And, guess what? Dad is right, it's AWESOME when the kids can drive themselves back and forth. But of course, downsouth will find some way to make that a bad thing and talk about it with her kids.
Lather, rinse, repeat with the both of you.
Why would a grown man with a
Why would a grown man with a 6 figure salary drive his child's $5000 car, lol, no reason.
He is paying for it, they
He is paying for it, they call it CHILD SUPPORT and this guy pays a lot of CS to support his children.
Next you're going to be
Next you're going to be expecting grocery stores to pay skids gas money because they went by there to get something.
If mom chooses to let kid drive to him then whose decision is that?
I guess the bottom line is
I guess the bottom line is that if you trust your child enough to give them the responsibility of having control of a loaded gun.. um I mean a car.. then you have to trust that they will follow the rules attached to that privilege.
The rules should be clear and in writing in an agreement.
Among the rules will be "no other drivers period.. even your mother."
It should be made crystal clear that ensuring others do not have access to the car or her car KEYS is HER responsibility and failure to maintain control over said car and car keys will result in termination of the privilege.
Like I said, if you trust her with the car, you have to trust she won't allow her mother to drive it. Mom can't drive it without the keys. Keep keys away from mom.
We will evaluate it as she
We will evaluate it as she starts working. The goal is not to leave her broke but to teach her responsibility. If she can't afford all we will see what she can afford and go form there.
OP You asked what WE do: Ok I
OP You asked what WE do: Ok I will take this bait in a very respectful manner.
WE didn't buy teen cars. Nor did we allow High school teen drivers licenses either. So we did not toss the family car keys to them either.
Good teens or not, teens are not equipped for such a responsibility in 'our' humble opinion. We do not put the cart before the horse like many parents do today. Again just my opinion.
What we did do: is took them to/from their PT job so they can save UP and stash cash in the bank to build cash to request a small loan for their car. WE paid for warranties.
You may want to check your car insurance company. I hear the premiums are out of this world for new teen drivers.
IF you change your mind and decide you/dh wont buy her a car but she CAN have her drivers license. Check your insurance company also because they may make you pay dearly because The Good Teen may 'need' to use your car in an emergency situation and she needs to be covered. OH snap your insurance goes up several grand a year. Better have great liability insurance too.
$$$$$$$$$
PLEASE put an app on her phone that locks from texting WHILE THE CAR IS IN DRIVE. I thankfully missed another a head on crash last week because some asshole had their phone in their left hand....and crossed the yellow line into my lane. Too many people are on their phones while their hands should BE on the wheel.
definitely check your
definitely check your premiums.. but to be honest, I don't think that the insurance was outrageous for either of our teen drivers' vehicles. It was (well) under 100/month for the cars that they were driving. One even had comprehensive on it.
If they are good students and have taken driver's ed, I think they can get discounts for those things.
OP won't know until they do the research. Also good to find out rates for different vehicles before they are bought.
I found that adding a suburban to my insurance was a LOT higher than other vehicles (just for DH and me not kids either). I like the car but it isn't cheap to insure!
I like the tracker idea, if
I like the tracker idea, if thought through carefully it can work, as some one said.. SD is in school the vehicle should be at school and not be driving around...
Explain to SD that insurance will not cover any damage, nor DH is any one else drives the car and there's an accident, thus she will loose the car in total and it will not be replaced.
Then trust her one day... you will never know if BM was driving it or not, SD is old enough to take responsibility and tell her mother NO, it's my car