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Dh acts different...

MamaKirkland24's picture

Submitted by MamaKirkland24 on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 7:43am

Hi yall I'm new at all this and this is my first post here... so here it goes... me and so has been together for about 3 years now and married 6 months... every time he gets his kids (everyother weekend) he acts different. Almost like he wants nothing to do with me and my bs. I get so emotional about it all and I just feel so silly. I try to talk to him and he just says I'm over reacting. Am I the only one who feels like this... if not any advice would help

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Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 8:16am

Mama - did DH behave the same way before you got married? Probably.. it did not happen over night and you never saw it... cause you thought after marriage it will change - it's never going to change.

Simply do not take it personally, DH is scared if he shows affection his kids will make trouble, just ignore it and know for the rest of your life this is how it will be, accept it if you want your marriage to work.

You can simply take your BS and do your own fun things, while DH sits with his brats, disengage from them, you are not their parent, you do not have to buy them anything or entertain them, your responsibility is with your son only...

I would be an absolute bitch and if DH is nice to me when his kids are gone I will ignore him and say - my kid is still here

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 8:27am

This is so so true.... "Men typically can't walk and chew gum at the same time"

just happened... I arranged something for SO and text him, call me when you have the quote and I will pop by your office.... SO text me... come here... I walk a mile to his office and guess what - he did not have the quote...

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 8:40am

Agree!

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 8:46am

My DH was the same way. It would also hurt my feelings. What bothered me the most was he couldn't do shit all week around the house but as soon as his kids showed up he would make some awesome breakfast catered around what the skids liked. You'd think I would be happy that he cooked, NOPE, it just irritated me even more because it made me feel even less important.

It took some time but I had to point out to him what he was doing. I think it had a lot to do with men can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Also he didn't want to make his kids feel less important if he showed me and my BS attention. I had to realize it was okay for me to walk away and let him do his own thing.

Have you talked to your DH about this? What does he say?

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 9:16am

I hate this. I make SO breakfast every weekend. Sometimes I will make some for the kids, sometimes I don't. DH got it in his head that if I don't cook for his kids its a crime so he does it. That's fine but why am I cooking him breakfast and then he is cooking kids breakfast? He can cook for himself and the kids and leave me out of it. It only took a few times of me refusing to cook for him before he got his head out of his ass.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 9:32am

When the skids weren't there he would be like "What are you making for breakfast?" When the skids were here he would be like " I went to the store and got all this stuff. Oh I got lots of biscuits because YSD just looooooves biscuits. Oh I love cooking breakfast."

I'd want to take the frying pan and smack him in the head.

Thankfully the skids don't come over anymore.

DH will cook breakfast every now and then but he makes more of a mess in the kitchen, not worth it honestly.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 9:39am

LOL, they are out of their minds. I asked DH if he could start cooking dinner on tues and thurs to give me break. His first words should have been "Of course babe. You've cooked for me and my kids for 7 years." NOPE He says, "You mean I can't cook for my kids!" This was when we only had them every other weekend. :? :? :? He has never cooked dinner for his kids since we moved in together. Now it's a problem?

And no, he hasn't helped cook because he is now working 12hr days, but he isn't asking to cook for the royal children during the weekend either.

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 4:48pm

Anotherstep, this is truly profound. I have never heard it stated better. I, like you, believe nine times out of ten that a bm's anger at a sm is misplaced. They really don't take the time to think about it and "do the math."

MamaKirkland24's picture

Submitted by MamaKirkland24 on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 12:15pm

Thank yall so much! I really thought I was the only one who felt like this! Yall rock!

freebird's picture

Submitted by freebird on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 1:29pm

At our house YSS-7 is constantly trying to get DH to sleep with him. DH started laying down with him on occasion and this made YSS ask for him every night. Got old real quick even though DH would eventually come to bed. I finally told YSS that DH sleeps with me because we're married and that's what married people do. YSS is now sleeping with OSS, lol.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 1:34pm

LOL. At first SD10 wanted her dadeee to sit next to her during movies. Now I have to suggest it, because she loves the rocking chair so much. Sometimes I feel left out of things, like when they went shopping for science camp. I had to let that go.

Stand up for yourself, talk to your man, don't let that slide, then - move on! Either do things for yourself and child, if SO wants to ignore you, or get up in his face, but don't let yourself go on letting him tell you that you are simply being ridiculous. Too many times I have heard these stories, and it doesn't get ANY BETTER, it only gets WORSE. Either it has to change because of you, or you have to move forward without him.

freebird's picture

Submitted by freebird on Wed, 03/15/2017 - 1:38pm

DH did the same thing! He got stuck with EOWE and has tried to play Disney Dad ever since. He devotes all his time to the kids while they are with us. The first few times I was around for this it felt odd- like I was there to observe not interact. I have figured out that he feels guilty about the limited time he has, so he devotes all of his time/attention to the kids. I won't lie- this was hard to take at first. BM was extremely jealous of his relationship with OSS while they were married even hinting that there was something weird/inappropriate about how close they were. She's just crazy, but I can see where she's coming from with the jealousy. It's likely that he did the same thing to her when interacting with OSS. Anyhow, I've decided that it's a blessing and happily go about my business while he's being Dad of The Year, lol. Shopping, out with friends, whatever gets me out of the house. Then I can stroll in at dinner time and ask what were having......

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Sat, 03/18/2017 - 12:05am

My Dh used to be this way when we first married. It was subtle, but it really, really hurt my feelings. It wasn't anything major...he was just generally less open with me, less attentive, less patient. Less everything. But, then, if I wasn't fully engaged with the weekend, I was told that I was petty or crazy or there was something else wrong with me.

It really sucks not getting any focus for a weekend but being expected to give it. That's really cruel, in fact, though, in my case, I am certain that my DH didn't realize he was doing it. The worst part was, their visits were already so stressful and anxiety-inducing for me...and then I lost my best friend while going through it, too. Super lonely.