My Adult Stepdauther Hates Me
I have been with my husband for 9 years and married to him for 3 and 1/2 years. His daughter made it very clear from the get go that she was not happy about our relationship. I told my husband that she probably resented me because when he remarried the 2nd time (I am his 3rd marriage), the woman had 2 young daughters and she was not very kind to his children. I told him that girls don't like to share their daddies and that it was probably very hard on her as a little girl and preteen to see 2 other girls seeing her dad all the time. I was very sympathetic to what I thought she might be feeling. However, the older she got, the more narcissistic she got. She is a cute, tiny girl and has admitted to her father that she likes to get attention from men. When her dad talked about taking me on a cruise when we first got together because I had never been on a cruise, she said, "I've never been on a cruise either." When he talked about taking me on a motorcycle ride, she would say, "You don't take me on rides anymore." When he told her she was going to be getting a new stepmother, she said, "I don't want a new stepmother. I just want a friend." When he told her that I was going to be moving in with my 3 children before we got married, she said, "I don't understand why she has to move in, she just lives practically across the street." All of these things were said right in front of me.
My problem is here we are years later and it hasn't gotten much better. She and I had a falling out recently, but I told her that she should try and get together with her dad at least once a week for some father/daughter time. Her response was, "We used to get together once, sometimes twice a week until y'all got together."
I am so tired of blaming me for her daddy issues. I told my husband that he needs to tell her to quit using me as a scapegoat for her daddy issues. Something I plan on telling her myself if we ever have the opportunity to talk alone. I plan on telling her that any issues she has with her father, she needs to bring it up to him because I am tired of her using me as her punching bag.
I need help and advice on how to deal with her. Like I said before, she is very narcissistic. She admits to using her looks to get her way and aspires to be a "Real Housewife."
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Comments
You don't deal with her.
You don't deal with her. Ignore the whore.
You are living the dream that
You are living the dream that so many of us have lived for a while. I have two SD's, both middle aged. One craves attention from everyone. Attention is her addiction. Anyone who stands in the way is going to be a problem.
Who cares if she doesn't like you? The important thing is how your DH responds. She and DH are adults. Let them work on their relationship alone. Stay out of it and keep your peace.
I wouldn't bother having an alone conversation with her. It won't accomplish anything other than she will know she is getting to you. And that is exactly what she wants.
Search this site for the many posts on disengaging, super helpful!
she's an adult - who cares
she's an adult - who cares what she says and think... ignore her and block her, you do not have to talk to her Hon..
stop forcing DH and her to have weekly meetings, if DH wants to see his girl he can make it happen himself, if she blows him off, it's their problem not yours
Any more discussion is
Any more discussion is setting yourself up for failure, even any other type of communication. She decided a long time ago she was not going to like you because she has a typical case of SD jealousy; there is nothing you can do-- except stay away. And, YOU did nothing to deserve this treatment. She will not change, daddeee will likely never change--so you have to stay away from the dysfunction and go on with your life, thankful for a peaceful existence.
Just say No...more.....kind of like a bad drug.....
"Why on earth would I
"Why on earth would I encourage two people to be in a closer relationship when one of them is trying to break apart mine."
In one sentence, that right there is the truth about so many of our marriages.
Sounds like she has felt
Sounds like she has felt marginalized by her dad by all his "new wives". Unfortunately, this wasn't your fault.. but just the way things turned out. She didn't want to share her dad with the string of other women. It didn't help that the first step mommy was allowed to be terrible to them (but who knows really.. maybe she was doing what she could and you only get one side of it?)
I think disengaging with her regarding her relationship with her dad would be a start. It's possible to just be Dad's wife and neither encourage or discourage their relationship. You can be a polite hostess when she visits and if you are the card buyer/gift buyer of the family.. you can even send her cards for holidays signed by Mr and Mrs X.
What you don't have to do is go out of your way to spend time with her... or get involved in her relationship with her dad. Just take a step back and treat her as an acquaintance.
As far as the snide comments.. maybe they will be fewer if you aren't discussing anything of any depth?
Gabs, she is an adult -
Gabs, she is an adult - forget about her. She will not change and anything you say WILL be held against you. I would address her rudeness in front of you though - as in "that is your perception but that is not reality." If she truly is a narcissist, there is no changing her and there is no reasoning with her.
Absolutely enforce your boundaries in your own home - this is something that did not happen in our house and we are struggling now with a SD17, SD19, SS22, and SS24. It's not an easy road by any means.
Hopefully your DH doesn't buy
Hopefully your DH doesn't buy into this crap and is somehow oddly flattered by "two women vying for his attention." You got yourself a mini-wife right there.
She's clearly jealous and
She's clearly jealous and resentful of you, and the less attention you pay to her and her issues, the better you will feel
Let her and her Dad work out their issues...or HER issues with their relationship.
Enjoy your life, be cordial to her, pay no attention to the nonsense