When SO and I moved in together 8 years ago, SD14 lived with her mother an hour away, and I had no reason to believe it would change. Little did I know BM would lose her mind, become a druggie and lose custody of SD to SO. It's been 5 years now

I did want to get married back then, but now, with SD14 with us FT? NOPE, not interested one little bit. I see him so much differently than I did before. SO is not the parent I thought he was, even with the improvements he's made, I just do not want to marry him. In 10 years, who knows. Time will tell.

Edited to add:
I do not consider myself a parent to SD.
And I would NOT date someone who had kids if I had it to do over.

I willingly married DH because he is awesome and he puts me and us first. SKs are grown. Yes I knew there is drama but he doesn't allow it to come between us. We need to be united front. I left my ExSO because his adult kids were screw ups but he would not put an end to it. He let them run his life. It didn't work for me so I left. I am not taking crap for too long.

Well technically speaking if people aren't married they have stepkids and they aren't stepparents. They can call themselves that for convenience on here but irl it's incorrect

No, had I seen this while dating (as much as I do love him), no...I would not have married him... In fact, he hid this delightful side of him until quite sometime later (and we had purchased a home together). I would have avoided all of this had I seen it coming, you can bet!

He is a wonderful husband in all other ways, but is a dismal failure when it comes to his kids, all of them; he has no spine and they control him. They have turned out the way they are as a result of his lazy parenting too. The ONLY way we can live together is for me to stay away from them and I do that nicely and consistently. I believe if I were forced to have any contact with them at all, I would file for divorce. He cannot control them and he will not control me, either..

He did not let me see any of this for over three years.... then all h...ll broke loose...LOL, and peace for me is only in staying away from the h...lll.

There are wonderful men capable of prioritizing, I read about them on ST, and I am in awe. I did not marry one of those men.

No I wouldn't put up with BM drama if I weren't married to DH. I always tell people here I wish BM never found out about me or knew me so she wouldn't know what she can blame on me. When me and DH were dating I refused to be responsible for SS5 because I had no ties to him. She thrives on acting like she knows everything going on in our house because "she knows us" but she really has no clue.

Luckily my BM drama is minimal. My only issues with her is how crappy of a parent she is to SS. My issues are more with MIL and SS7.

I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating due to the behavior of SS. The first time we got my girls and SS together he was a TERROR! I ended the night short because I didn't want to deal with him or subject my girls to SS any longer. I cried on the way home that night because I knew I had to end it. Well we had a long talk and he promised to accept my guidance and help on parenting SS. I agreed to stay. DH for the most part is 10 times better at parenting now than he was then but he's still a lazy parent, but since I did see an improvement I went ahead and married him with hopes of it continuing to get better, which it has but it's not good by a long shot. So yes, I willingly married him knowing the skid issues, but I had hope since SS was just barely 2 at the time.

My issues with MIL didn't appear until after we were already married.

After 10+ years in, I am profoundly glad I did not marry my SO. And I never will.

Skids (and BMs) bring way too much potential for negative catastrophic impacts on second wives. Whether it's finances, time-sucking requirements, disrespect, negative relationship issues, you name it ... it's all over these boards. And it does NOT end when the skids are grown - adult skids can cause horrific problems and in addition, the cycle can start all over again with grandskids.

Knowing that I have no legal or financial ties to my SO has been one of the main reasons I've stayed. I've done so willingly and not because I have no other choice because I married him.

It's also helped psychologically because as the "girlfriend" I have kept my mouth shut about a lot of his parenting choices and financial decisions about skids, since I technically didn't have a dog in the fight as his wife.

I know myself and if I had become his wife, with legal ties to him and his decisions, I would have had a LOT more to say. And we may not have made it.

With age and hindsight I've completely revised my views on cohabitation, partnerships, and blending.

I married DH at 27 because I wanted to settle down and thought that was what you did. I thought that level of legal commitment was the pinnacle of relationship success. So yes, I got to have the white dress and the honeymoon, and I can understand that many women want that. However having done that once, I see remarriage as only one of many relationship options, especially when there are kids and finances to be considered.

Anyone remember the older gentleman Orange County who used to post a lot here, the one who wore a sombrero? He advocated strongly for custodial parents to stick to just dating while raising bios. Raise 'em, launch 'em, and then focus on partnering up. Saves a lot of grief in the long run when you think about it.

I had more power when we were dating. If I didn't want to be around on a skid weekend, then okay. DH tried harder when we were dating.

I'm trapped now. I think about leaving often.

Well I feel that would be a personal decision. I knew BM was a psycho as soon as we started dating. It's a strange situation because you may love DH/SO but its not a la cart.. If you want to stick with him eventually you will have to embrace the suck. I will say though even if you do get married you still have choices. I married DH and there are still days where I reach my limit and I simply say "Kids are yours today, I'm having a "me" day."

But IF you decide to take the next step I seriously encourage you and SO to have a come to jesus talk. Iron out the things that may be a big deal for you but he never thought of like: how involved are you expected to be in parenting/how involved do YOU want to be. Discipline.. BM drama and what YOU will or will not tolerate as far as him squashing it.

Cutting out all the gray areas BEFORE making the marriage decision def will help keep your conscious clear and YOUR expectations unblemished. Make sense?

If DH and I were NOT married when he unilaterally decided to move SD in with us, I would have left FOR SURE!! As it was, there were a couple of times I was VERY close to leaving, but really, it was my marriage vows that made me stay each time. Marriage vows are something I don't take lightly and I just kept reminding myself that I vowed "In good times and in bad" Ugh.

I also think that DH KNEW this and that is why he moved SD in.... he knew I would not leave. I don't think he would have dared if we were just dating. There were 2 different occasions when we were dating that BM2 was acting like her nasty, lunatic self that I told him "I'm done, cash me ousside" But he vowed to get her stupid ignorant ass under control, and he DID (as best he could) so I stayed.

Would you put up with step kids/BM drama if you weren't married? Just dating?
use to, but then I disengaged

Would you willingly marry knowing that there is step kids/BM drama?
yes if I was the type who wanted to get married

Does being married make a difference as opposed to not being married?
to me it would not matter at all, married or not, I still keep my finances way separate and I still will be disengaged from the drama.. I'm marrying the guy not his family