I try not to compare, but this was just so much different.
I went to stay at my sisters overnight Saturday, as we were going to a crab feed and I won't drive 40 miles in the dark country roads after drinking. It was a last minute invite, as someone had cancelled. And I had a great time by myself with family and their friends.
What I noticed so much was the family dynamic at my sisters house. She has D21 and D17, along with her and her husband. Her kids are pleasant, they hang out with mom and dad, and watch tv, engage in conversation, and are just all around easy to be around. I've been around my nieces a lot over the years (there are 5 in total, ages 12 - 26), and they are just so easy. All of them. I cannot help but draw comparisons with my home environment.
My BS21 is at college, so he isn't home too often during the school year. Over the summer he's home, but works and stays busy. When home he'll spend time with me, or hang out and watch tv or movies with SO and I occasionally. He is very social with us. SD14 is with us FT. She spends zero time with us, doing anything. She never watches tv or movies with us, sit and talk with us, she barely says anything to me especially and only if I engage her in conversation and even then it's minimal. She talks to SO, when I'm not in the room. She will do her best to monopolize him, until I appear. Then she's done and will go to her room. I know teens like to hang out in their rooms a lot, but all the time? It's acceptable to be that unsociable? It's just such a drastic difference to me. If we go anywhere, she wants a friend along. I have nieces her age, and I assumed they would all hang out together on family trips, but SD14 manages to convince SO that she needs a friend along anyway. Then my nieces wonder why she doesn't want to hang around them? I think it's rude, but what do I know. I would understand if she were the only kid, or only girl, but neither are the case. And she's been around for 5 years now, so it's not like she doesn't know them.
I know she doesn't really care for me, doesn't really want me around. And I'm to the point that I don't really care if she does or not. I did chalk most of it up to being a teenager, but now I'm not so sure. And her rudeness, as I've posted before, is disgusting. Plus the fact her father says "its just teen angst" instead of seeing that she's just getting away with being a jerky teen. He will not admit she's being rude, ever. He finds an excuse for it no matter what. I've talked to lots of friends who tell me "oh wait, she'll be rude to the wrong person (anyone besides me basically) and SO will have to face it". They tell me to just ignore her, don't give her the time of day, just as she does with me. These are both great ideas, but SO turns it around and blames me for them. If I ignore her, I'm cold. If she is rude, it's because supposedly I am rude to her or I am just picking at her, she can never do anything right with me. The excuses are many, and my patience with the BS is getting thin.
Lately I've been thinking of leaving, because I'm just really tired of dealing with it all. I wouldn't put up with that behavior from my kid and I didn't expect SO to allow his to be that way, but I'm being proven wrong frequently. And today I am fed up and need to vent.
In the meantime, I am working on my finances and paying things off, because once I make a decision that I'm totally done, I want to be able to just go. If it doesn't happen, fine. But if it does, I want to be able to just walk.
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14 yo girl behavior. This
14 yo girl behavior.
This is not atypical. My OSD was more like this. My YSD was oddly more like your sister's kids. Same life situation. Same adults. Different kids.
I wouldn't take it all that personally.
I know that sometimes kids don't like the new situations because they don't feel like they were given a "choice". Like that is even possible, but as a result they sometimes will rebel against being forced to hang out with "new relatives".
Both my SD's liked bringing friends with them so that they could hang out and do girl things together.
Thank you so much, I have
Thank you so much, I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind because of her.
I kind of let my 2 sd's take
I kind of let my 2 sd's take the lead on the type of relationship they wanted to have with me. My YSD and I are much closer.. my OSD and I are a bit more distant, but that's also the way they are with most people. YSD is warm and empathetic and OSD is a bit of a snob and cold fish. That's just the way they are... I don't take it personally... or at least really try not to lol.
Even so, when the girls were in our care, I did things with and for them both, gave advice and corrections when it was my place to and backed dad up in his parenting duties. He and I would discuss the girls and our ideas on parenting.. but he was the one who took the lead. I only stepped in if it was absolutely needed.
14 yo girls are embarrassed to be seen with their own parents, much less a step... haha.
I would let her have her teen centric life and be thankful she is mostly out of your hair...lol.
Great advice, thank you.
Great advice, thank you.
I feel like 14 is the WORST
I feel like 14 is the WORST age. It might get better in a couple years...
I really didn't think it
I really didn't think it would be this hard with her this young, but I'm being proven wrong about that.
I understand. I thought at
I understand. I thought at one time the skids were so wonderfully behaved that I had it made. As SS approached 10... I noticed subtle changes. Truly, his attitude gets worse each week. He has gone from a lovable, eccentric little guy to a punk who thinks everyone and everything is "dumb." It really hurts my feelings sometimes and I know it will only get worse.
I am enjoying SD while she is still little.
It is hard to let the punky, bratty adolescent stuff slide when it isn't your punky, bratty kid. But we must try not to take it personally!
I needed to hear this as
I needed to hear this as well. DSS13 is the same. 90% of what comes out of his mouth is a complaint, 8% is attention seeking and 2% conversation. It's so frustrating for me when I try to do everything I can. I know it's the age and not personal, but it sure feels personal a lot of the time.
I guess that's at the base of
I guess that's at the base of this, it does feel personal. I didn't think I was taking it personally, but maybe I am.
It is probably almost
It is probably almost impossible not to take it personally. I have to talk myself out of a bad mood when his attitude toward me is unpleasant. I think it is because stepkids make our lives complicated in so many ways, the bad attitude is just the cherry on top.
That's really sad that your
That's really sad that your SD14 is giving up on so many positive experiences and choosing to disengage from people who could really help lift her up. She is probably depressed, especially if her relationship with BM isn't so positive.
My SD17 has known me for almost 3 years, and has managed to destroy any possibilities of a relationship with me. And it is very obvious that SD10 and I get along so much better, we really do prefer each other's company over that of SD17, who is lazy, selfish, mean, narcissistic, lies, and steals.
That feeling of "you just cant win", it will not get much better, as she is JUST NOW entering that "terrible teens" phase. This is made worse by the fact that her family core has been fragmented.
Hopefully your SO will be faced with the truth so completely. MY SD is also very non-sociable, and only likes spending time with her female cousins (including the one who taught her about stealing), and has no friends, no activities and no job.
I am in the same boat, just a few years ahead. Until I joined this group a few months ago, I had no idea that there were others with the same exact issue and struggles. I did not know anything about disengaging, had no clue what to do to make things less bothersome and now my life is a lot better.
Also, good for you - if things don't work out, you are not trapped.
Thanks for giving me some
Thanks for giving me some hope, at least I know I'm not alone and she isn't any different than a lot of other teens. I raised a boy, and he was so much easier. SD14 is ONLY interested in her friends. No other interests at all. I think it's really sad, and I used to tell SO he needs to urge her to be involved in other things. He wouldn't and she isn't. She isn't into stealing (that we know of), but she lies. She lies to me all the time, and I'm sure she tries to lie to SO also. I am disengaged so I am trying hard to just ignore, but rudeness just makes me crazy.
This is a little lesson in
This is a little lesson in you give what you get.
I would say that my YSD got a little better end of the stick with her dad and I (more vacations etc..) because she was a more pleasant person to be around. We would go out of our way to plan vacations so she could come with. Her sister on the other hand came less and a lot of it was because no one feels like bending over backwards when you are not fun to be around. I remember one vacay with the inlaws where they had to leave 3 days early because OSD wasn't having fun (13 hour drive yeah.. nice for 2 days stay).
She was better with a friend around and we actually liked the girl she would bring with us and was much easier to be around with her friend. She couldn't be embarrassingly bratty in front of her friend either. lol.
But, to this day we still go on trips with YSD... as an adult, but OSD does her own thing.
SD10 and I always like
SD10 and I always like sneaking off together. Although sometimes there are tears when we get caught. Oh well, should have been nicer to me, and appreciative of what I have to give. The younger one, SO and I BOTH agree, is so much more fun and enjoyable to be around, but they are both from the same parents and same DNA, so I am hoping that things will be different when she is a teenager.
See, that's the thing. I
See, that's the thing. I have traveled with my 17yo niece, and gone fun places with her, because we get along well and it's enjoyable. I took SD14 with us once, I thought she'd enjoy it and it would help us bond, and it was drastically different. Her mopiness was a huge downer for everyone, So I don't take her with anymore.
Yeah, I get the wanting
Yeah, I get the wanting element and being extra nice to get what you want from people. I see that, and I ignore. SO is a penny pincher, so that usually fails with him. SD doesn't ask me for anything luckily.
She spends zero time with us,
She spends zero time with us, doing anything. She never watches tv or movies with us, sit and talk with us, she barely says anything to me especially and only if I engage her in conversation and even then it's minimal. She talks to SO, when I'm not in the room. She will do her best to monopolize him, until I appear. Then she's done and will go to her room.
Exactly to the letter, how my SD acted when she lived with us from the age of 14-16. While I found it annoying, I found it far better to NOT have her crammed up our asses. I was happy if she was watching TV in room and not the living room, because honestly I really didn't care to look at her. I was happy if she talked to DH when I wasn't around and then left when I was, because honestly I couldn't stand to listen to her talk because every single word out of her mouth was lies and manipulation. I wouldn't have been able keep my eyes from rolling into the back of my head and probably sticking there.
Do you honestly WANT her to spend more time with you and engage you??
The jury is still out on that
The jury is still out on that
Being that her mom is a meth addict, and lost custody of her because of that, I'm sure there's hidden anger there.
Just a matter of will it rear it's head?
LOL, No I really don't want
LOL, No I really don't want her around, seeing how she behaves. I was just so surprised by the huge difference in my nieces and SD14, I just couldn't believe it. I'm so glad to have this site to figure this crap out
Go hang out with your fun
Go hang out with your fun nieces and friends kids then, that's what I used to do! I have a friend with a daughter about the same age as SD, but acts a whole lot different. She's a nice kid, pleasant to be around, pleasant to talk to and I LOVE hanging out with her. DH and I have some friends with a daughter who is about 3 years older than SD, same thing... she used to babysit for me when BS was a baby (I NEVER would have trusted SD) and would even just come and hang out us when I didn't need a sitter, because she loved BS. She was fun and enjoyable to be around and she loved BS. SD could care less about BS... only when she was forced to, to put on a good show for DH.
I gave up trying to engage and just decided we'd have to agree to not liking each other. and DH was no dummy, and for the most part didn't try to force it. I honestly think the forced interactions are worse than no interaction. Not everyone likes everyone else.. and that's OK!
I hear ya, I am of the belief
I hear ya, I am of the belief that not everyone is going to like each other, and it just so happens that SD and I fit into that. SO doesn't believe it should be this way, thus the forced everything. I truly think it hurts his feelings that we didn't bond well, but it is what it is.
That is EXACTLY my feelings
That is EXACTLY my feelings too. I just wish SD17 would go out and do something not at home. But since shes had her door off, shes been more respectful, and not arguing all the time. There have been none of the regular morning war zone ritual, and she actually walked to school on her own this time.
But I am glad when SD17 is somewhere where I do not need to hear her voice or hear that stupid laugh of hers.
Or, a different perspective
Or, a different perspective might be, this is just the OP trying to articulate and organize her thoughts, feelings and observations about her SD, her SO as a parent, her expectations of family relationships and the reality she is living in.
Exactly! Thank you
Exactly! Thank you
If this is normal behavior,
If this is normal behavior, so be it. Just venting here, not looking for things TO complain about.
UGH... Just UGH.
UGH... Just UGH.
:sick:
And that, ladies and
And that, ladies and gentlemen of STalk, is why we set and ENFORCE personal boundaries at all times!
"No," is a complete sentence.
"You may not speak to me in that tone of voice/using those words/with that look on your face," is a reasonable statement to make.
And take it from me, a recovering doormat - set boundaries early and set them often. LOOOOOONG before you get angry. And if you don't really care about something, don't say, "Oh, whatever." Say "YES" or "NO" clearly anyway. You can change your mind later (just say so), but nothing is gained by being easy-going with difficult people.
I don't think it's all
I don't think it's all because of the girl's behavior. It's that no matter what she does, she doesn't seem to be able to win with her DH.
She ignores the kid and is called rude or cold. She tries to engage with the girl and the girl is not having any of it. She is kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I think my convo with DH would be.
It's not that I dislike your daughter, but she has made it pretty clear in many ways that she prefers to not spend time with me and doesn't care for me all that much. That's fine, I'm a big girl and people don't have to LOVE everyone.. I understand that. However, you have an expectation that I will have a better relationship with her when it takes TWO people to want that and while I have made an effort, your daughter is clearly not interested. I am open to having a closer relationship with her, but it has to be a two way street. If you want that for us, you will need to insist on her holding up her end of the deal. Otherwise, there isn't really a problem. If she prefers to not interact with me, I'm not going to be upset or take it personally. We can all live in this home. We don't have to love each other, but we do need to respect each other.
Thank you, this is exactly
Thank you, this is exactly what I meant.
This is not my complete
This is not my complete story, so no you aren't getting it all.
NOBODY wants to hear every single detail of daily step life, this is simply what I see between my nieces and my SD14 in this case. There is no jealousy from me, not sure where you got that.
Completely agree with Granny
Completely agree with Granny 100%!!
I never compare bio's to
I never compare bio's to skids.... never.. Deigma will engage with us, Aergia never... hides in her room - basically sounds like your SD...
I watched through the years, it's also to do with up bringing, I grew up in a home where we could not hide away, dang my parents had this family hour every night and you will all have a meal together, still today and as an adult my cell phone is not allowed at the dinner table.
SO grew up... differently, his parents was never at home, both working or enjoying themselves, the 6 kids grew up on their own, older kids cared for younger kids etc..... they did what ever they wanted...
Deigma learned from a young age how to interact with people and have conversations, cause there was the dinner table lol... Aergia gets a hand full of cash if she wants attention, SO could not be bothered about her, he raised her the same way he got raised.
There's nothing you can do about it.