Been a very long time - but I need help
Long story short - my stepson is 31 - i have been in pic since he was 18. he is a drug addict and has been since i have known him. Been a long hard road since day 1 - here is my issue today. He has stolen from everyone including me and my kids and husband - very hurtful. recently he stole from his mom while she was in hospital and i am angry about that but the worst is that he admitted to his sister and mom that he has never been clean - i had my husband move from our home to try to help him get clean and it really disrupted my home with my 2 kids - he is 31 my in laws still pay all his bills, dad gives him job and i just am so lost on my own feelings - i tried all that i could with this kid - who is a man now - not always right with what i tried because lets face it being a stepparent does not come with a book that guides you so i made some mistakes. i have tried to hide my true feelings but i cannot anymore - is it wrong that i want to be done, i don't trust him in my home around my things or my kids stuff - right now i cannot even look at him. thankfully my husband is understanding to how i feel. please someone let me know if you have similar situation or if i am truly just being a bitch. my honest feelings are i don't like him - who he is or what he is about.
thanks - happy not feeling so happy
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yes but only because dad has
yes but only because dad has jumped his butt for stealing from someone - but he told his mom he has NEVER been clean. He has been there twice one time lasted a day because he couldn't follow the rules and so they kicked him out. he didn't want to be clean, so until he wants it for himself he will not get clean.
thanks
I don't think you are being a
I don't think you are being a bitch at all. Nobody wants someone like that in their life, no matter who they are.
I didn't want my own sister around when she was doing drugs and I love her.
Some people don't want to be helped.
Makes a lot of sense.. it is
Makes a lot of sense.. it is okay to not like people - stranger or family sometimes you just cannot like them. I hope your sister is better and if not i will pray that someday she may be strong enough to get through it all.
You're not wrong and you're
You're not wrong and you're not a bitch. You get to be done. The thing with addiction is that you can't want it for them more than they want it for themselves.
Until they want it for themselves, there isn't a thing a single being that walks on this earth can do to help them. It's a helpless situation for and feeling for those of us in the periphery.
But it's our unfortunate reality.
Anyone who's still helping
Anyone who's still helping him needs to stop, to be honest. Being a drug addict gets REALLY tiring when you're on your own with no one to help you support yourself. That's when he'll change, if he has the strength too.
You're not being a bitch.
You're not being a bitch. Unfortunately this man isn't going to hit "rock bottom" if everyone keeps making life easy for him. I wouldn't want him in my home either.
Addiction is an entirely
Addiction is an entirely different animal than "traditional" parenting --- bio or step. IMO
For instance, I can offer a list of 'companies which hire felons,' 'companies which hire aggravated assault felons,' mental health resources in NM, treatment centers in NM. SD-31 will continue her path, not paying CS for her own kids, visiting/calling periodically, not working, smoking pot for her self-diagnosed bipolar and betting to win the lottery when SO kicks off. She is nowhere near ready to choose a different walk. Alcohol, pot, meth, abusive relationships? I suggested that SO set up mini-trusts for the grandkids and leave the remainder to a nonprofit for feral cats since his late wife religiously fed them.
I lost my brother to addiction/suicide and a flat suck-ass EVIL drug/alcohol counselor who became his girlfriend and met him in bars. She lost her license, my brother took his life.
It's okay to be done with crazy.
You and your dh both stop
You and your dh both stop focusing on him. Focus on you now, each other, the rest of your life.
Both of you go to Nar Anon. There you will learn how to successfully and lovingly disengage from the addiction. And from its enablers. Be sure to go to Nar Anon and NOT Narconon unless you are an avid scientologist. Here's the link for the classic 12 step program based on AA. http://www.nar-anon.org/
Essentially, what your instincts are telling you now are correct. Live your own life, do not save this fellow anymore because he can only save himself. As long as all of you are "saving," he is happily using. Which is what he recently admitted.
Anyway, I highly recommend a 12 step program. If there's no Nar anon in your area just go to the nearest AA or Al Anon meeting. They will help.
How many times were police
How many times were police reports filed for the alleged stealing?
A big fat ZERO?
Your the problem, DH is the problem and anyone who allows this person in their life is the problem.
NO CONTACT until this person has at least 2 years of healthy, stable living.
YES it is that simple.
I agree the problem is his
I agree the problem is his family. I totally agree - i know tough love it was instilled in me as a child. I have had to work hard my entire life - and as we all know it is not easy this thing we call life.
If someone could tell me how you get his family to listen I would appreciate it. We have a therapist in the family who can't get them to understand. I have watched intervention to show my husband that he needs to stop and he hates the show. to me that is more denial then anything. but i could be wrong.
I am finally done - last straw so to speak and I am done with him. I can't have him in my life, I don't want him in my life. sad really -
That's the thing, happy. You
That's the thing, happy. You cannot convince the family. And it's not your job to, either. You have to drop the rope.
BTW, the problem, at its core, is the addict. The family may be feeding the problem but the addict is the one shooting up, lying, and creating chaos.
So little update today - i am
So little update today - i am in the kitchen making dinner and my dh is kinda pacing around i asked him what was up he said nothing. I knew it was something and figured it had to do with his son - so he finally after 30 mins says ss wants to come watch game tonight do i mind - i said i don't like him or who he is and i do not want him here. he is not coming. i said why should i feel bad that i don't want him here? i said he is the one who should feel bad - there are consequences to his actions and decisions and this is one of them. we didn't fight at all - i know my husband is sad about it but i do think he understands and deep down knows i am right. just thought i would share.
i learned how to disengage awhile ago and that is what i am doing.. i am fine with him not being in my life while he is dirty.
I don't think you can get off 1 drug and still do another?
To all of you - thank you so
To all of you - thank you so much for validating how i am feeling. He has went to rehab & been kicked out for not following the rules - he has only went to rehab because his father has gotten on his butt. so he doesn't want to be clean, And i see through him and I cannot take that anymore. I work hard for everything i have and am very blessed. I just don't like him anymore and who he is. I love my husband very much and we have been through hell and back - moved out 3 times and came back cause we just love one another. I know that you take a package deal when you become a step parent and i did so much but to me i feel like he is now an adult and needs to work out his life and it has to be when he wants too. i cannot get his grandparents to understand sadly they are in there upper 80's and they think they are really helping. My husband and i have made so many mistakes together and have conquered so much - so the love is strong. I am so glad I came back here because i have been just beating myself up and then angry and sad and so many emotions.
thank you so much... love and peace to all of you as well
I have been married for 23
I have been married for 23 years. My husband has 7 grown children form his first marriage. He stays in contact with three of them on a weekly basis. When we got married I had just bought the house we live in now. My husband is 14 years older than me and has some pretty serious back problems. I work a full-time job. Pay most of our monthly bills with my paycheck. He worked as an artist up until just recently. We decided that since we were in a good position financially that he could retire from his art business. So he has. My concern is that he wants to draw up a will that states in it that when I die that our house will be sold and the profit of this house will be split with his 7 children and our 3 biological children.I do not agree with this because I had this house when we got married and I am not responsible to leave his kids nor our kids anything when I do die. I would like other opinions on this matter.
I think you'll get more
I think you'll get more advice if you start your own thread. Very quickly, I would remind dh that his kids will be inheriting from their mother, they don't need 3 parents to give them something. Your kids just have the two of you. He can split his own estate 10 ways (?) but yours only goes 3 ways.
happy - I have no advice for
happy - I have no advice for you, but know this.... my Aergia is 17, never stole or is not using drugs and I can't stand her I want her gone.......
Acratopotes - me too!!! Oh,
Acratopotes - me too!!! Oh, wait, except for the stealing thing... but my SD17 has been so good for oh about - wait for it - 5 days and 6 nights!!! She deserves a gold star.
You can mitigate some of the
You can mitigate some of the risk that this kid represents. Next time he steals from you or anyone else call the police, have him arrested, and if you can ..... press charges. He will eventually go away for a long, long, long time as a habitual offender or he will pull his head out of his butt. The only time he will find clarity is when he hits rock bottom and the adults in his life need to stop deflecting the consequences of his decisions and facilitate him reaching rock bottom as soon as possible. That IMHO is the only effective way anyone can help him if he refuses to help himself.
Good luck.
Totally agree with you! Rock
Totally agree with you! Rock bottom... I guess that will happen when people who pay bills pass cause this momma isn't!
Husband is an addict. IMHO
Husband is an addict. IMHO you and your husband should tell SS his choices are a rehab program (whether that be inpatient or outpatient) or you are done. And then be done. I know a lot of people struggle with that (I did for awhile) but until you stop helping the addict stay stuck nothing changes.
What does he use? If it is heroin or prescription painkillers he may want to look into suboxone maintenance. Some people disagree with it but I have seen it give people their lives back while eliminating cravings. Then they can do the therapy or stepwork while "under control."
It is heart wrenching to care about an addict. Good luck.
Do you think if an addict is
Do you think if an addict is smoking weed and doing heroin or opiates whatever he can - do you think he can get clean if he is still smoking pot? Me personally I feel you have to be clean of all drugs - and weed is what opened the way for him to go onto something else! But what's whe general consensus here?