Disengagement helped for me....

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

next time the trash in the kitchen is over flowing, simply dump it in her room..... wish we could that would be great.
When you see DH putting loads of rubish in the trash simply tell him, oh Hon take that out now it smells....

Wake SD up and tell her - take out the trash... that's it nothing more and nothing less. or if she goes to bed without doing it, wake DH up and tell him to sort it out.

never split on SD for not doing anything, you keep quiet and you nail DH to do it.... dirty dishes, easy tell DH go and sort it out, I do not tolerate a dirty kitchen and I did not mess it up.

never say anything negative about SD cause DH will go into defense immediately, stop doing anything for SD and learn to say NO when they ask and learn to say ASK YOUR DAD

Yes, they can rationalize the most ludicrous mess; it is not even worth your breath to try. It is hilarious, actually, when you think about the stupidity of the claims they create for a false defense.

Just give it up, like Acra stated. stay on HB to do daughter's tasks, put the responsibility back in the court it needs to be...not with you!

Good question. I also am disengaged, but there are days where I think I may just lose my freaking mind, with the crap that happens.

Your garbage story is about what it's like at my house

Example, last night I asked SD to do the dishes after she ate. The sink was full, I had cooked, and I'd done the dishes the past 3 times.
(YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT EVER EVER ASK HER TO DO ANYTHING, BEING DISENGAGED, I BROKE THE RULE).
So she does them, but leaves the crockpot and lid. I ask her to go do those as well, and she says "dad does them for me", to which my head must have spun around a few times, and then, DH Disneydad, says, "it's too heavy for her, I will do the crock pot". WTF??? Too heavy? She is 14, not a tiny, frail child, and she is fully capable of lifting a damn piece of the crockpot and cleaning it. In my head a screamed WTF...
So I shut down afterwards. Said not a single word until bedtime. No matter what I would have said, or how I would have said it, an argument would have resulted, because - as you say in your post - he has an excuse for everything she does/does not do. It's mind numbing and so nonsensical.

Sorry for the rant, I am still fuming over the insanity.

All I can say, it just keep trying.

I have also been called petty. I no longer tell SS11 what to do. I tell DH, and I ONLY tell DH the things we have agreed upon. Sometimes DH does it for him, and I don't think it's right but I keep my mouth shut. DH told me I'm petty. I said "if you think I'm petty, then the things I'm asking aren't a big deal right?" He said "right. They're so insignificant." I said "great, then it shouldn't be a big deal for you to just make sure they're done." He didn't have much to say after that.

They do seem to think they're going to win some sort of award for being "right." It's annoying.

Disengagement for me:
I have no natural children of my own, but when I was first in their lives, I made breakfast every day, I cooked, I washed dishes, I picked up their stuff from the living room and lovingly deposited on their beds, I took the youngest to museums, and parks, I got them both a surf day, I drove them here and there. Christmas, we went to Santa's Fly in, we did candy cane lane. Street festivals, we always went, and spent scads of cash on foods.

Cut to now, I don't drive the teen ANYWHERE, I don't cook breakfast, unless its for me too, I have asked the 10yo to start washing her own dishes after she brings it to the sink, the teen either washes her own dishes, or daddy does it. I don't say a word, or ask them to do much anymore, I ask SO to "get this accomplished", and he will ask them, or do it himself. If they give an attitude, I go straight to SO, tell him, and he deals with it. We don't do to any family outings really anymore, to save money. I don't take the younger one to the museums or parks, because she would rather play on the computer, or play date with her friends. I figured if its not appreciated then Im not ging to do it, and Im much more happy than I was.

When the teen was caught shoplifting recently, it was up to SO and BM to do the lectures, and the consequences. I stayed as much out of it as I could. If I need the youngest to do something for me, I ask in front of daddy, because she always is the perfect child in front of daddy. So if she "forgets" or ignores a request, its up to SO to reprimand.

Im still learning about disengagement. Reading other's examples, helps.

In my opinion, if stepkids don't have to listen to you, then you don't have to do ANYTHING for them. That means no rides, no cooking, no laundry, hell, stop paying your part of any and all bills too. Tell DH if you can't have a peaceful home that's run in a way you can enjoy, then why are you paying? He can raise his own kid, pay all the bills, handle all the housework. THAT to me is disengaging.

I told my husband early on, if he doesn't want to dicipline his kid and he doesn't want me to, than he can have fun running a household alone because I'll sit back and do my own thing. I won't pay to live in a place where I have no say.

When we first started living together, he was a disney dad. She was young but still... even toddlers need rules. So until he got onboard with getting her to behave, it was simple. He wants to run to the store? Ok, get a sitter, your child is misbehaved and i won't spend 5 minutes with her alone. He wants me to drive her somewhere? Nope, your child is misbehaved, get her there yourself. He wants to split the cost of groceries? Nope, your child gets to say no to a meal that's cooked than get's another one instead. I won't pay for that crap.

And so on. With everything.

He finally got the point. Now 3 years later, he's more strict than I am because he knows that nobody wants to spend time with a misbehaved brat, and parenting gets REALLY hard when nobody wants to be around your kid.

A big one for me was learning what I could ignore and what I couldn't.
I cannot stand for a dirty kitchen. I engage on that for the most part unless it's directly having to go get someone to do something or it's just over the top.

Example. This weekend. SD13 kept leaving her dishes in the sink in spite of an empty dishwasher RIGHT THERE. I ignored them. DH cleaned the kitchen for me at one point which was nice. However, SD13s lunch bag, with dirty tupperware and trash in it remained on the counter since Friday...by Sunday I knew everyone would ignore it but me. So Sunday morning I put it on the dining room table. This is where I stack alllll the crap left around the living room during the weekends (or I toss the stuff). I've made some really nice centerpieces.

So anyway, bag full of trash still on table (I had also set the table for dinner) and SD13 comes up for dinner, grabs her plate, and proceeds to move the lunch bag BACK to where it was. I stop her in her tracks, "Don't you Dare move that Bag to where it's been sitting since Friday." Where should I put it? "You put it in the kitchen to clean it out after dinner." ok.
She does as told and after dinner I relax a bit as DH cleans up (note not the SDs). I go into kitchen for something and I see all the tupperware left in sink. DH, please make sure this stuff is out of the sink by the morning, it's from SD13's lunch bag. He goes and gets her, clearly irritated and lectures her that he's sick and tired of constantly having to go get her to make sure she cleans up after herself...

AND that's why you make sure DH does it. HE has to have the ramification of cleaning up or taking care of things. I've learned to make sure my question or instruction is clearly for HIM to take care of not, "Please go get SD13 and make sure she cleans up." Nope. That won't work because she's going to be "too busy" or "she needs to relax." It's, "DH, please make sure this is cleaned up. It's from X place and it needs to be taken care of." No complaints, no speculation.

That trash? I would have left it in DH's way. On the front deck, in front of his car (done all of this), in the garage? I would likely have taken it out of the kitchen as well, but take the WHOLE TRASH BIN OUT part way and don't replace it. No trash bin? Not your issue.