I think anyone who is the primary care taker has the say whether it is BM, SM, Grands or a relative. SOMEONE has to be in charge.

I told DH when he wanted YSD to move in with us (a long time ago) that there is no way that I would do majority of the work (because that is what it would come down to) and then have to be undermined by BM about decisions I make for my own home. It would not work for me.

My opinion is that any step parent that is stepping up and helping the bio parent parent should have a say in what happens in their house.

When I was a step mom I did all the mom stuff at out house and did a lot for the kids ( more than their dad usually did) thankfully one of the few good things I can say about him is that I had a say in how things were done. The other thing to remember is I loved the kids and they loved me so I had the nurturing side of the relationship too. Plus they have a very good mom.

Now as the BM my husband is a very active partner in our life because he is home more due to a medical reason. He makes my sons lunch, takes him to school and meets him at the bus afterwards ( he only works part time right now). He is off all week this week while I work ( as does my ex) yesterday I had to go back to work and BS came to work with me for part of the day and then my husband brought us ;lunch and they went to the batting cages to work on his hitting. Today they went to Nick Universe and did rides and is taking him to a DR's appointment. Because my husband takes an active role he has an active say in things IMO. I have the ultimate authority but we make decisions for our home together. I am fortunate that he and my son like and love each other.

I have no idea what goes on with my ex and his new wife. BS likes her and she is nice to him so that is all I care about and anything else IMO is non of my business.

You are not the parent of this child. To me, it appears you are being used by BOTH the bio mother and father of this child.

You put yourself in this position and if wise, you will get out of it. You will be only be used more and more the longer you remain doing the same; it does not matter who has what say really because you have none.

Do not fool yourself, you are NOT the mother or father,; well-meaning and kind-hearted people are often used by more selfish people.

BD has no problem with me parenting his kids, he pays for nothing day to day, has no responsibility, he is not about to upset that life of luxury.

DH gives me an equal partnership with the kids and always backs me up but I defer to him on certain things, sometimes as a courtesy and sometimes bc I'd rather him handle it. BM is very passive and tends to go along with whatever we say we think is best, which is a dream come true compared to what some of y'all deal with. My kids bio dad is a total deadbeat who pulled a vanishing act years ago and pays nothing so he gets no say on anything.

But what happens when this question is turned around to now it's BM and SF that has the kids all the time except for EOWE? Dad puts in his two 48hrs a month, doesn't come around for much of the school activities (or plain lives too far to). SF does all the 'fatherly' things a father does blah blah.

Is the father considered an absent father? One who should bow to what SF says? Afterall, it's SF who is doing all the parenting jobs along with BM, with the exception of Dad's two 48hrs. SF does dr appointments (BM works and her job isn't as flexible), runs kids here and there, helps pay for this and that sport activity and never misses a sport match, concert or parent/teacher conference (afterall, he helps the kiddies with their homework).

And for what it's worth, I got no 'dog' in this one...I was a fulltime SM 24/7 365. There was no BM. She gave up her child at birth.

This was the initial scenario set and asked:

"How much authority should a FULL time SM have with her skids that she is actively raising. Say skids see BM every other weekend and that is all. BM does not come to school functions, DR appts, ect? SM does ALL of the mom things" followed up with "Normally, I feel SM should stay the heck out of skids/BM situations. BUUUUUT ……But not a full time SM that is doing ALL of the motherly things that BM is not doing".

The scenario asked didn't really include exceptions such as Cocktail's case, or WalkOnBy's case (definitely cases of absent rotten BMs in their situations) where a BM pops in with a phone call or a tiny visitation maybe once a year, if that. The cases where BM is in prison, lost forever in the drug world or just walked away years ago never to be heard from again...all examples of BM who?

But that's really not what was initially asked. Just made me curious as there are a number of SMs posting on the site where their SO/DH/BF are the twice a month 48hr Dad, or some only a bit in summer and maybe a week once or twice around holidays. I just can't stop thinking some of these posters wouldn't go ape sh*t crazy if *we* suggested their SO/DH/BF bow to the SF and referred to that Dad as absent and/or abandoned the kids.

I think it's a little of both. I'm my SS's primary caregiver and have been for most of his life. I go to school functions that BM sometimes shows up to and I take care of all medical/dental issues that BM doesn't bother with as well as ECs. Of course I choose to do all of these things to help out my DH and make our household run smoother. For what the Op is asking I think it depends on each individual situation that arises. One good example is signing SS's weekly planner. BM hates that I do it but in our household, it's easier for me to just get it done as soon as we get out of carpool and start working on homework instead of leaving it out for DH to do later and then potentially forgetting it on the counter the next morning.

On another school related example, when the teacher was having problems with SS, she would call me. DH and BM both work. I do not and I am the one she knows the most since I am the one on field trips, at class parties, lunchs, whatever. The teacher knows our schedule and knows that if she wants SS's school time issues to be resolved she needs to talk to the parent in charge of him during that time and since DH isn't allowed to have his phone that defaults to me. All I do is call DH on his lunch break to tell him why the teacher called and let him decide what I should do until he gets home to take care of it, but BM doesn't see that-she sees being skipped over. I get that, too, but this is how seperated households work especially when she chooses to parallel parent and constantly remind us to worry about only "our time" and not bother her on hers.

I am a full-time SM and I do what I want or don't want and BM2 has NO SAY what goes on in our household. She has tried to hint and suggest and undermind a few times but it's ignored. She doesn't have the balls to say it straight to our/my/DH's face because well she just doesn't care that much about SS and it's more important to find a rich man.

Do I usurp her? Legally...no. Never will. Am I the only motherly type person in SS's life? You bet and I usurp alllllll day long in that respect.

BM2 pretends that she's concerned about him for 5 minutes every Sunday via video call and 2-3 weeks out of the year for half-assed visits. I could not care less what she thinks about how we're raising SS.

She can usurp on that