Well that escalated quickly
So last night I had the tables flipped on me.
Before I delve into my WTF moment; some background:
My Mom and Dad split when i was 2 months old--I have zero memory of them together. Cool, fine.. I turned out relatively normal depending on your definition. Dad remarried for the 3rd time to my current stepmother when I was 8. We have had a great relationship throughout my childhood and now in my adulthood. Sure we had our quarrels through my angsty teenage years.. but relatively smooth sailing. Her and my Dad have had a rough year or so so things have been rocky between them lately. I have remained supportive to both and tried to not get in the middle of any fights.. best to let them work it out.
That brings us up to last night.
I text her to see what time she and dad are thinking about coming over for Christmas Dinner Sunday with the following "Hey lady got your fav wine for Sunday, what time do you guys wanna head over to partake in the chaos?"
To my astonishment the reply I opened was "F*ck Off, I booked a plane to be with my ACTUAL family this Christmas."
As I sit there reading and re-reading the text, thinking for some reason I have to be missing some joke, my dad calls me. He says that he came home that day to find the house packed up and she said she was filing for a divorce. Well ok, it wasn't all that shocking to me, since I knew both of them were unhappy for awhile. I think the most shocking thing was a woman who proudly boasted of our relationship for 22 years told me to f*ck off and promptly gave me the proverbial middle finger peace out gesture. She has no kids of her own, and always seemed "proud" when claiming me as her SD.
I love my dad and my stepmom and I certainly know my father is not the easiest man to get along with sometimes.. but I suppose I never thought that after 22 years she would say that to me. I figured that in the event they divorced, sure, she would move back to her home state, we would probably not speak as much.. but never did it cross my mind that she would show such open hostility to me. And it has me wondering... was she just a really good faker for 22 years? Or is she just that angry at my dad that she is lashing out on me?
I know I have read a number of posts that ladies would be glad if they found themselves in a situation where they were not required to have communication with their skids, and that is completely ok. But I wonder would anyone be deliberately and openly hostile towards them should they be choosing to leave the marriage?
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Not sure about him telling
Not sure about him telling her to leave... it's possible. Dad is on of those guys when a woman is threatening to leave he would simply respond "then leave". But no he def wouldn't have brought me into the equation.
I like this approach. From
I like this approach. From your post, it sounds like her response was an exception. Give her the benefit of the doubt, make the gesture and let her initiate further contact.
I would say that she's hurt,
I would say that she's hurt, for some reason. You don't know what's been happening behind the scenes but it's obvious that one of her issues with your father was her feeling excluded.
If this is the first time she's been hostile in 22 years, I'd write back and say:
"Ouch! My dad called me and told me what's going on. I just want you to know that I'm really disappointed at the news. I've loved having you in my life and I do consider you family, even if the sentiment isn't returned. I hope that we can resume some sort of positive relationship in the future. Please take care and I'd love to hear from you."
Cut her a break. Something is obviously really painful for her and she's not on her best behavior.
However, if this is a pattern, it might be good to cut your losses.
Wow! I'm sorry. Hoping you
Wow! I'm sorry. Hoping you did not respond to her text. The stress and hostility to couple troubles are sometimes construed that people are taking sides. Your text certainly didn't indicate that; but your SM is likely very hurt and lashed out. Only yourself knows her well enough to determine why.
I would not get involved and stay supportive at a distance. If you do not reply or comment; it will show your support for them both.
It is hurtful when a long time relationship, such as you and SM, is shattered.
DH and I were having some issues and my grown SD wrote me a 2 page hate email. I can tell you it was an eye opener. I never responded, but I will never speak to her again; DH and I are doing well.
When an outsider gets involved, they end up being blamed by both.
I'd say that's about her, in
I'd say that's about her, in that moment, and unlikely anything to do with you.
We all have our moments. If this is the only time she's been like this towards you since you've become an adult, I'd say she's having one of her worst moments ever. I wonder what you could do to show her compassion?
If she's always like this, then obviously it's nothing personal, but I'd just let her go and good riddance.
I honestly didn't know what
I honestly didn't know what to say so I have not responded... I do know in the past year she has shown some textbook pain pill addiction issues, so that has put a strain on things for everyone. I knew about the addiction, offered my dad places where she could get help but I have stayed out of it. I am wondering if this is what is causing the hateful communication... I plan on waiting until things settle down to reach out. But can't help but wondering if she even plans on saying goodbye before she leaves the state. She has been posting some pretty hateful things about my dad on social media which I am not cool with but I am trying to stay out of it.
I had a feeling that the
I had a feeling that the "your favorite wine is here" comment touched a nerve with her, one that was maybe central to their marital problems. After the above comment, I feel so more than ever.
My guess is she and your dad have had some rows about her substance use and she assumes you know that. In that context, she also assumed your comment about the wine was taunting her. To someone in that state of mind it could sound like "hey, stoner, we set out the wine to bribe you to come over, here, little kitty."
You were not in that frame of mind and were being perfectly friendly. But I could see how someone who was sensitive about their substance use and undergoing perceived accusations about it might jump to conclusions and fly off the handle.
My verdict: She thinks Dad talks to you about her substance use or he has relayed comments you've actually made. In her pain over the bad marriage/divorce/sense of being attacked/substance usage, she lashed out at a perceived insult.
From the sounds of it, she
From the sounds of it, she sounds very hurt at the moment and was only lashing out. No one knows what went on or what was said behind closed doors.
I'm sorry. I would find that
I'm sorry. I would find that very hurtful. I love my SM and if her and my dad were having issues and she responded with something like that I would be really hurt. I'd give her a few days to calm down, maybe after the holidays and if you feel comfortable to reach out to her and ask her what is going on in regards to her feelings about you.
I don't care how upset she is with your dad, if you didn't do anything to her, then her response was pretty childish and messed up and there is no excuse for that.
If it was a skid that said that, posters heads would be rolling her, bashing the skid for reacting that way. Not sure why it's okay because it's a SM.
I don't think it's okay
I don't think it's okay because it was an SM, I think it's okay because it appears to be an anomaly in an otherwise 22 year long loving relationship.
And we all know that when an skid says something like "my real family", it's never an isolated event. It's a campaign to exclude and hurt the stepparent.
But that's just my opinion.
It definitely sounds like
It definitely sounds like lashing out. Perhaps she assumed you knew about the split and thought you were being snarky somehow?
I would probably drop her a brief note saying you were sorry to hear about the split from your dad and that you appreciated the good relationship you have had with her over the years. I would also say that under the circumstances, you can understand that she may want to sever ties completely with his family, but if she does want to maintain contact, that you are open to that as well.
Sounds like she was very hurt.. whether that's justified or now, sometimes we all behave badly in certain situations.
All amazing advice.. thanks
All amazing advice.. thanks to everyone. I will wait a bit to let cooler heads prevail and reach out with a branch of friendship should she desire it.