Eternal patience and forbearance vs. infernal pathology and evil appearances
Just walked in on this scene coming home. DW finished cooking SS15's dinner, walks into his room and says, "Dinner's ready," in such a sweet saccharine and loving tone. (After yelling a bunch of times first for him to come to the table, which as usual, went unheeded - she goes to the door of his bedroom to announce in sweet puppy love tones that dinner is served.)
SS replies, "Can't you let me concentrate!!!" (Translation: "Shut up, I'm playing my video game!")
She meekly returns to the kitchen, passing by me asking if I'd like to join her at the table (instead).
Before I learned to disengage, I would have gotten engaged. I would have told DW that I'd have either one of two responses to that (and that that she should too). 1.) I'd tell her, bring the roof down on him, in whatever form you think that should be - taking away his game, whatever. Or, 2.) Never make dinner for him again.
But I held my tongue. I so much wanted to get into it with her and talk to her about the nastiness she puts up with. But I've done that so many times, and well, here I am, and things are still the way they are.
SS's behavior is totally acceptable to DW, just another day in the asylum, and she will bear patiently with it. His food is waiting on his plate, for when he's ready. No consequences. But there would have been consequences for me if I had commented about it to her.
I listened to some guy talking on YouTube today about women who've had kids before they met you and what the issues will likely be. He mentioned the usual I often hear. That the kid will always come before you. He's a part of her, she bore him in her womb, protects him with motherly love. So the kid always comes first in her heart before you do.
But he added something I had never heard before: She will also put her kid's bad behavior before you.
I hadn't heard anyone ever say it quite that way before. I've often got the talk from well-intentioned people (who aren't step parents and haven't a clue) about the parent-child bond and how as a stepparent, you'll be in second place, but it was always in a "hey that's normal, so just live with it" sense. However, DW putting SS's bad behavior ahead of me is exactly what goes on. And it's major bad behavior.
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It took about 2 or three
It took about 2 or three times of dinner being served and once dinner being entirely finished before SD12 learned that if she knows dinner is close to, or is, ready that she better get herself to the table or she'll either A) be eating alone or
miss all the food completely. That is the consequence. He's been told. If he doesn't come up no dinner. And whatever your DW does after is not your issue.
Ignore it - good job.
Enjoy the time eating ALONE with your DW!
That's better than having surly teen there too, right?
Yes, whatever she does is not
Yes, whatever she does is not my issue. I have to keep remembering this. Takes some effort.
And, it is better than having him at the dinner table.
Good thing you were able to teach your SD12 what the real deal is.
This was against DH's
This was against DH's wish.
He wanted me to nicely go get her and let her know when dinner was, even though I had informed him she KNEW when it was.
If I cook, I make the rules.
If you want to go get her, you go get her - not me.
He eventually got sick of getting her so he did it my way and now we don't have any problems with it.
you are getting the
}:) }:) you are getting the disengagement thing lol....
Now next time DW says dinner is ready, simply go to the table, and have dinner, it's way better to have dinner without the skids any way, you can talk and catch up on normal things not concerning brats.
I've totally stopped calling Aergia for dinner, SO stopped as well, he once asked me if I called her, I said nope she can smell the food and she knows dinner is at 7, she can eat when ever she wants.... SO stopped calling her as well.
After dinner I will simply put the food in the fridge and clear the kitchen. Aergia once complained about it that she's not called, SO replied - you know when it's dinner, please clear the kitchen when you are done eating..
Personally I think SO enjoys out dinners and does not want his daughter there
I have been disengaging for
I have been disengaging for years now without knowing there was a term for what I was doing, and DH has made changes dealing with her diamond encrusted darlings, she is still somewhat weak at times but she has toughened up some as well. I am still working on disengaging totally I slip up there a lot, I have a hard time holding my tongue when they are toxic to her.
If I were you, I would have a
If I were you, I would have a very serious talk with DW about her plan to launch SS. He sounds entitled and childish. It's not his fault though. Your wife is raising him in a way that will be detrimental to his future and his success. In fact, I think coddling any child and not having expectations of them is child abuse. She's emotionally stunting him. How the hell will he navigate the real world? KWIM?
I actually followed up on
I actually followed up on your suggestion and asked her how she plans to launch SS. The conversation went like this:
Me: So, do you have a plan to launch SS?
DW: He's going to launch himself.
Me: How is he going to do that?
DW: He knows how. All kids do. He has to leave when he's 18.
Me: Where is he going to go?
DW: He's going to college and he can't live here anymore.
Me: What about during breaks?
DW: Then he can come back to visit.
And it went on from there. She says he's going to be independent, but she's going to give him emotional support. She said we could have a talk with him about it tomorrow, but I said I'd rather not. (I'm disengaged.) She said I could listen when she talks to him when we're driving to a mall tomorrow, apparently she has arranged my day tomorrow without me having been aware of it.
But this is typical.
Sorry to hear your wife is
Sorry to hear your wife is creating a monster - but good job on ignoring this incident. She needs to get her belly full of this crap before she will want to change it - hopefully that is sooner than later. If she is truly a doormat, then maybe she will consider your subtle suggestions on how to nip this in the bud before he gets older and worse! Potentially start with telling him one time and do not dish out his food for him. If he eats, it will be cold and gotten out for himself.