Making it official
I've been with DH for over 5 years. I refer to him as DH here and in real life when I'm introducing him to others that don't know us. I call SS and SD my stepkids on those occasions too. We are pretty much married in my mind - we own a house together, have a child together, have a joint account together, list each other as beneficiary for certain accounts. But, we aren't officially married. DH proposed years ago, but neither us of made any plans.
DH wants to make it official at a courthouse. I understand why - for mainly emotional reasons, plus medical and financial reasons. I've been having lots of heartburn over this for the past two weeks. I know I have a fear of commitment and even though we are married in my mind, taking this step is causing me to have lots of anxiety. On the other hand, one of the reasons DH wants to get married is to reduce his anxiety.
I love DH, but I have a lot of resentment towards him because of the stepkids. Honestly, if we didn't have DS, I don't think that I would stay in the relationship taking care of his children without having my own. I really don't like SS and secretly hope that he will eventually live with his mom full-time, but I know the reality is that he will continue living with me and DH. DH is not oblivious to how I feel about the situation. He knows that I'd rather not have SS around and I really think he would want that too if BM wasn't so useless (SS has made false accusations against DH in the past).
I feel like DH and I are in the middle of a mediocre marriage. We aren't regularly intimate for various reasons, we grate on each other, we argue a lot about the skids, I'm resentful about various things. Hell, we aren't even sleeping in the same bed this week (not due to fighting, just logistical stuff). I feel like it's hard to make and recite lifelong meaningful vows when, right now, I'm not feeling romantically connected or even emotionally connected to DH. We have moments, but those are rare now with everything else going on.
And, I'm not one to want a big party, but having a courthouse wedding without my parents, but with the skids really bugs me. DH wants the kids there, he thinks it's important. I think, if no one else is going to be there, then I just want DH and I at the courthouse and no one else.
Sorry, just venting...I doubt DH and I will make it official soon. I think I'm too anxious about the whole thing, so we'll just postpone and discuss this again at a later time.
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Comments
I'm not much of a romantic so
I'm not much of a romantic so my comment will not be made up of "this should be the best day of your life" advice. I think generally weddings are often like facebook, a big facade highlighting the happy (or just a bunch of drama lol) but I will advise you to wait a little longer. I know so many divorced people who have said they knew on their wedding day that it wasn't going to be forever. I may not be into rose peddles or public serenades but there is definately something sad about not being fully commited on your big day. Hugs to you
Do not get married. I had
Do not get married. I had reservations about marrying H and he gave me an ultimatum. At the time I thought I loved him enough to overcome my feelings. I was wrong. I should have never married him. Now I'm facing divorce and an expensive move back to the mainland.
Quite honestly, though relationships have ups and downs, yours sounds like it's not healthy for either one of you. If your are not building each other up, but tearing each other down, then it's really time to make a decision.
HOn, please do not make it
HOn, please do not make it official, DH is doing it for the wrong reasons IMO...
He sees you are pulling away and instead of fixing that he want to make it legal... you will end up divorcing.
I'm sorry but the argument of financial and medical things is wrong, you are living together and sharing finances etc,
it's not going to change after marriage it's going to be the same
You've been living together for 5 years, look up common marriage laws in your state, I think law already considers you as married, by going to the court house - and getting a signed paper less worth then the ink on it, is just going to cost money in divorce,
You can simply tell DH - you know how I feel about SS, lets stay this way till SS launches.... then we do this.
I've been with my SO almost 12 years, he asks every year if we are getting married this year, I keep on asking: Aergia out of the house ? I do not even say NO lol, he knows I will say yes as soon as his brat moves out
Thanks for everyone's
Thanks for everyone's insights. I do feel like I'm doing this just to make DH happy. I understand why he's rushing to do it now - we have a particular date that is sentimental, but both DH and I know that I'm not ready for it. I'm sure DH thinks that I'll never be ready with anyone at anytime and he might be right about that. I do have a big fear of commitment. But as of now, the courthouse date is just looming over me. It doesn't feel like the joyous occasion that I imagine it should feel like. Maybe I've just seen too many fairy tale/romantic movies and I'm being unrealistic, but yeah, I'd rather be at a high point in our relationship when getting married, rather than feeling like I currently feel.
To answer some of the other questions - CPS has been at our house more than once because of false accusations by SS against DH. He has never made accusations against me and I do not discipline SS, I'm mostly disengaged. I don't let SS be home alone with me for this reason. DH understands and supports my position. We also don't live in a common law marriage state, so there are no issues with that.
We did counseling in the past, but had to stop because of insurance reasons. I tried to get us started again with a different therapist but again for insurance reasons it got frustrating. I think I'm just tired of telling our story again and again to different therapists. Plus, the skids have so many appointments that we just don't have the time. Since then we decided not to do therapy, but we made an agreement to talk to each other like we would at a therapy session for an hour every week, but we just never stuck to it. We definitely aren't building each other up. I'm a big part of the problem. It's hard when I'm just constantly frustrated with BM's inability to have boundaries and SS's issues. But, DH is the person who has to directly deal with both. It's really hard for him and I think that's also why he really wants to be married. He wants the emotional support from me or at least know that I can't leave him when everything goes south, but the more I engage in the mess the more annoyed and pissed I get.
I think I'll try and start up counseling again.
the courthouse date is just
the courthouse date is just looming over me. It doesn't feel like the joyous occasion that I imagine it should feel like. Maybe I've just seen too many fairy tale/romantic movies and I'm being unrealistic
It doesn't have to feel like a fairy tale out of a movie but your wedding day should not be "looming", either. It should be something you feel excited about and looking forward to, not dreading.
Follow your gut and wait.
I married my DH at the
I married my DH at the courthouse. But I would have walked out the door if he'd invited the skids to be there.