My mantra with my DH's EX has always been "breathe and count to 10 before you react".

The BM is one of those fly off the handle wackadoodle ladies who will come on all sweet as saccharine to people at first and then turn into a pit viper with no warning.

Probably one of the best things I ever did was call her a "bad mother" to her face because she has refused to interact with me ever since. hahahaha

I told her if she wasn't such a bad mother her children wouldn't be living with their grandparents by CHOICE and she should be damn lucky I was in their lives so that they would have at least ONE positive female role model.

then I dropped mic

From then on she would only refer to me as "your dad's wife".

perfection.

I am trying so hard to pretend BM does not exist.

In the past I reached out (2 times), like an idiot, trying to "make peace." It only added fuel to her fire. In her mind, her kids out of wedlock, unfaithful, young fools in love relationship with DH was destroyed by me. As if it would have been happily ever after had I never existed. This is delusion she clings to and there will be no peacemaking. She needs someone to blame for "the loss of her family" ... when the fact is there never was one.

My stupidity in trying to make peace ended up giving her ammunition because she took the peace offering as an "apology" and used it to further validate her delusions.

I now know I am better off in the shadows, with her completely blocked out of my life... and hopefully one day completely blocked out of my mind.

I'm very careful with this. I struggled greatly when SD was sick with diabetes and it was going undiagnosed. That was a long, horrible year for me. DD2's dad is a ball-less wonder where BM is concerned. SD missed so much school. We'd be at the beach. She'd get sick and we'd have to go home. Same with Disney. Same with the water park. Same with the Springs. You name it. I watched him carry her like a baby at 12 years old up the steps to Bm's house. You see she was hitting chocolate's while opening her xmas presents and the candy did horrible things to her blood sugar. I watched her go to 68 lbs with a skeleton frame and BM was ecstatic. But it's not normally for a sixth grader to lose 11 lbs in one month. No one was taking her to the doctor. She was going to chiropractors for spinal adjustments. BM thought the headaches were migranes and she's a health store nut so she'd put her on vitamins and look for her own cures. So I kept a food long and just would watch and learn. Even while I was screaming and begging SO to override BM and take this kid's medical care in his hands. I wrote letters to his mom and sisters begging them to intervene. I debated with myself if I needed to call CPS. he and I would get into screaming matches.

So I figured out she had diabetes. I did. and BM would say, "Oh no. her sinuses are just dried out. That's why she has unquenchable thirst." so I was at the point where I was buying a blood testing meter myself and I was going to take her to a walk in clinic myself but it all came to a head because she ate birthday cake and was taken to the hospital via ambulance with blood sugars of over 600 and had a week long stay in the hospital. It went undiagnosed needlessly for a very long time and they won't really know the long term damage to her organs and eyes . She has the nerve pain and damage in her feet, that's for sure.

I probably should have acted quicker. But yes. I like to mind my own business. I wanted them to act like normal, not selfish parents and address their daughter's serious medical condition but they are idiots. I tried reasoning with them. I tried making a case on why I thought chiropractors couldn't help her. I was hoping the school nurse or a teacher would over ride their dumb decisions but it never happened. and I believe in kharma. But thus far, it hasn't touched BM at all. ):

And SD is okay now. But it could have gone the other way and I probably would have had bad guilt.

I've THOUGHT about doing a lot of things to BM1.. like calling CPS, Section 8 fraud, etc. But I came to my senses and decided it will all catch up with her eventually. She has been hotlined at least 3 times that I KNOW of and none of those times were DH or I, so other people are on to her as well.

I did make the absolutely critical error of calling BM2 and responding to a VM that she left DH about how I was making SS feel bad by leaving him out of things. This was back when SS was about 10. She said that he felt bad because I took SD to work with me and not him (it was bring your daughter to work day), because I took SD and a friend to the movies and not him (he had fucking mono), because DH, SD and I ran next door to the tree farm that we used to live next door to and got our Christmas tree one day when it was literally like 5 degrees out with a windchill of -20. It took us all of 5 minutes to pick it out, then SD and I ran back home and DH cut the tree down. (It was a Sunday and SS was at cult church or whatever they call it with BM and I'm not about to schedule my life around her stupid shit) I called BM and let her have it and it was ugly. I said some nasty things, she said some nasty things and I truly think that things would not have gone down hill as quickly and horribly as they did if not for that conversation. BM2 did apologize to me a year or so later for being "offensive" when I ran into her at the Dr.'s office. She also congratulated me on BS6 (I was about 7 months pregnant at the time) But I knew from experience it was just until the next time that she decided to be a bitch. And honestly, even if I didn't know DH and I met BM somehow through work or something? She would not be someone I would be "friends" with. So whatever. It is what it is.

The only thing I can think of is taking her to court for full custody. SD12 almost destroyed my marriage, had my kids afraid to visit my house, and physically assaulted me and my husband. We are still struggling with SD9. She is having such a hard time with all these changes. Sitting here and listening to her cry is the hardest thing. Sometimes, I sit with her, hugging her or patting her on the back...and it is so hard not to wish that we left the custody arrangement alone. I know that we did the right thing, but sometimes it is so hard to be rational about it when she is crying for her mom and saying she wants to live with her mom. I try very hard not to let it hurt my feelings, but I am not always successful.

As far as the rest, I refuse to engage with BM at all. She just doesn't exist to me, no matter how much she tries to push into our lives. I find that this is the best thing.

We all have good intentions when we act, I think. BM was irresponsible, unreliable, unstable and had no boundaries. So when she left for a job out of town and didn't come back for over a year, DH and I used that as the opportunity to legally get the kids full-time permanently, since she wasn't honoring the custody agreement.

She in turn moved within walking distance of us. She had the kids EOWE. Even though we offered to let her take the kids whenever she wanted to, she only took the kids EOWE, even though she moved so close to us. SS, who already had major issues, got worse. Then, SS went to a mental institution and falsely accused DH of abuse. He also said he wanted to live with his mom. Although the allegations were dismissed, it gave BM the upper hand.

She now has "full custody". I put full custody in quotes because she used this to exhort money from us because now on paper she has custody, but reality is different. Since she is so close to us, the skids come and go from her house to mine. The skids spend at least three hours every single school day at our house. DH sends them to all of their appointments and school events. BM doesn't go home sometimes at night so the skids spend the evening and night alone a few times a week. We didn't report her to CPS, but SS's therapist was going to. But, the therapist didn't after BM talked to her. BM is still leaves the skids home alone. But, even after seeing all of this, SS still wants to live with her. SS was such an annoyance that I had always secretly wanted him to live with her, but this situation has made DH and my life a worse living hell than it used to be before she lost joint custody. DH is forced to again be in constant communication with BM. We always have the skids, but now with no schedule. And even though we are still housing, feeding, and driving the skids like we have them near full-time (which, by the way, she never paid us for), BM wants money from us. DH is having medical issues from the anxiety and now we are at the point that we are in initial planning stages of moving to get away from BM. Unfortunately that means that SD suffers, but she has only a couple years before she leaves for college. SS is happy "living full time" with his mom, so what can we do.

If I had had more insight into the whole step-world, I would have known better and done better. Or done nothing, actually.

I was all for DH fighting for custody, and now I am kicking myself daily. I should have let Karma take over, but I wanted to help

As a result, we now have skid FT, and BM has nothing. Yayy for skid, yayy for DH, but FML is my feeling now

I'd say Karma is doing a great job with BM here. In fact, I think Karma deserves a raise!

just.his.wife (miss her, btw) had her BM arrested for trespassing, identity theft, false reporting to a federal agency... her boss got audited due to BM's false reports and sued her... I think BM is still rotting in jail and owes millions...

And her marriage ended after her DH failed to parent and failed to partner.

I found that anytime I made a move or involved myself into stepkid dynamic, it went SOUTH. Even when I would do good things for them, BM would get jealous and somehow turn it around and make it about her. She made sure that her kids would always feel bad about doing anything with me because "poor her" she has nobody... yadda yadda yadda. Guilt tripped them to death. So I just leave all the payback for the universe to handle.

Yup. I'm reaping what I sowed now.

I wanted to be SO different from BM that I tried very hard to make it very easy for my MIL to have a relationship with my and DH's daughter, because BM uses SS like a pawn to get money/attention from MIL. Even though I knew my MIL wasn't all that normal as far as personality goes. So any time MIL said she wanted to see DD, I'd make sure she did. Even if it was extremely inconvenient for me or I had to change plans with MY OWN PARENTS for when they wanted to see DD (my parents never held it against me though.)

What ended up happening was that my MIL feels entitled for me to be her servant and that she has a right to see our DD any time she wants, and isn't afraid to demand it of me and now she is harassing me.

Had I known this was the result, I wouldn't have even tried to compete with BM by being the "good" mother of her grandchild and let my DH be in charge of his relationship with our daughter.

I was lucky that my skids were older teens when I met them. DH understands BM and her craziness very well.
I just stood back, supported him and let him deal with her.
I don't like her or the things she does. I hate how she tries to turn the skids against DH and I but I'm happy that she's unsuccessful.
I do think she's a good mom for the most part. The skids are great and that is due to her parenting of them.

Karma is definitely visiting her!
She can't finish the dream house she started, it's at the lock up stage, because she ran out of money. Guess she should have put the money she had into the house, not the $70K fifth wheel she bought to go glamping in? Or maybe she shouldn't have leased a new jeep?