My DH does feel that the skids should feel that I care for them and feel that we are a family unit. I do feel that had I been a parent before I met him, I would feel the same. It is only natural to want your child to feel loved and included.

That being said I have had to explain to him that my love for them is, unfortunately, conditional. So if they do treat me like shit, I don't gaze at them lovingly and immediately forgive. They don't share my blood.

In my opinion, disengagement should be a total last resort to save your marriage or sanity. It would feel very weird to be disengaged from kids that live with me half the week. I hope it never comes to that.

So I guess, ultimately, I believe we owe them a basic respect and understanding. After all, they were there first. The cold hard truth. If my skids treat me well, I treat them well. If they grow up and decide they hate me, I will probably feel the same. Let's hope my skids stay "good."

Good question, zero. I think we owe it to our partners to at least try to do many of the things you listed.

IMHO, there are two kinds of jaded stepmoms. The first started out with the best intentions but due to PAS, a rejecting stepkid, or a Disney Dad got disgusted with the situation and disengaged. The second started out never really being on board with being with a man with kids, but loved the man, and thought that would be enough. And some of us are a combination of both, in varying proportions.

I actually have a pretty good relationship with my stepkids. I started out mostly disengaged, and have ramped up my level of engagement as we've grown closer. This has worked for us, as my DH was a very involved Dad to begin with. I didn't want to rock the boat by taking over his usual tasks.

I think if my stepkids were rejecting or treated me or my husband badly I would be fine doing far less. But I'd do this if my OWN kid treated me badly! And yes, I think you always owe it to be a good role model. Frankly that's just a personal self-respect thing.

Where it gets trickier is what you owe if their other parent is just a complete waste. Like how much is it my responsibility to go above and beyond to make up for the deficiencies of their BM? That's the one I really struggle with.

ETA: My DD19 was a bit of a struggle for my DH when we first married. She had issues with her own dad and took them out on him. He continued to be kind to her, and they have a great relationship now. This made me love him even more, and whenever I get frustrated with his kids I remember this.

I know for me personally no matter how much I loved my now dh if I hadn't of liked his kids I would not have married him. I feel that yes it is our responsibility to treat them as family. My entire family has welcomed him and his kids as has his family for me. Now I know 99% of the other posters on here probably disagree with me. But for me I could not live like some of the other sm do. I do not like chaos and drama. It would make me ill if I had to live like that on a daily basis. I am even cordial with the bm although I do not like some of the things she does I am still friendly with her. I do leave it to dh to call her on her lack of parenting and neglect of the 9 yr old.

I treat his kids how I think I would treat my children if I had any Bios. My relationship with his adult daughter is different than with the 9 yr old. I am a parent figure to her. I am lucky that my dh backs me up whenever I discipline her. Of course that's not often since she is just a normal kid. With his adult daughter I am more of a friend. Just like my relationship with my mom changed as I became an adult. Now with his teenage son I leave it up to dh to discipline him. Although I might tell him to take out the trash now and then.

I have two step children from two different husbands. My SS and I have a warm and loving relationship. I am convinced that this is because his mother is sane and loving. I'm always glad to see her- like a cousin or aunt. Since his father died 20 years ago, I don't maintain the relationship because of my marriage but because I see him as an integral part of my life.

I had to completely disengage from my SD when she was younger. It didn't start out that way but she was so cruel, full of anger and hateful that had I tried to raise her, there would have been constant warfare. She lived with us full time after her mother kicked her out. (My SS also lived with us full time) I felt torn about the disengagement and my SD holds it against me, but I took the advice of at least three counselors, and I think it was the right thing to do.

we owe them nothing. we owe it to our dh's to TRY. but if we are suffering, we owe it to ourselves to disengage if needed.

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I used to think that I owed it to the skids to be a family, a good role model, etc. That's what I expected coming into a relationship with kids. But as years have gone by, my feelings have changed. I'm starting to feel like I don't owe them anything and that they are a burden. I try not to let it show, but DH isn't dumb. He knows that I'd rather not have them around so much. I feel guilty about my feelings sometimes because they are kids who didn't ask for their parents to divorce and they are generally respectful to me and DH.

Still, I owe it to DH to have a good relationship with his kids. I encourage DH to do fun things with them. Things that I wouldn't necessarily want my own BS doing, like excessive video game playing or eating lots of fast food and soda. But, these are things that they like, so I wouldn't stop them from doing it, but I avoid participation. I used to actively participate, but now I make excuses. It largely stems from poor behavior by SS, which frustrates me.

If asked for advice, I freely give it, with no agenda. I try and tell them what I think is best for them.

DH wants and expects me to be their mother when he needs it, but step back when it causes conflict. BM is crappy, so he wants me to be their replacement mom. I used to go along with it, but I'm now wiser. I'm more like a close aunt or godmother to SD and a distant aunt/acquaintance to SS.

I don't think I necessarily OWE my SD anything but I have tried to be a good role model, just like I try to be that to my nieces and nephews or any kid in my life.

I do care about her well being, however, she is now an adult who chooses to make bad choices so, her well being is out of my hands and I don't lose sleep over it.

I did have a pretty good relationship with her when she was young but I do admit, the way she has treated my DH has affected my feelings towards her. I still want her to have a good life but I feel no compulsion to help with that. Okay, sometimes I do but I know it won't do any good so I don't waste my time or energy or money (BTDT).

I was lucky, my SD was not a hellion as a child so I never felt the need to completely disengage.

What do we owe our step kids?
I don't SD25 anything. While she is just "baggage", she is part of DH's life, and I always accepted that.

I'm not just talking financials. In general, do we owe it to the step kids to try and be a family? A good role model? To have a relationship with them. To care about their well being.

I don't really have much of a relationship with SD25. DH never pushed much. He never expected/wanted me to act in any sort of parental way with her, and I didn't mind. When she went to college, he suddenly asked me to email SD and ask how she's doing. I stalled and never did it because it felt a little bit too late to suddenly try to be "friends" with her. I also didn't like her behavior and didn't care for his parenting at the time, so I just preferred to leave things alone. Now that I have my own children, I do play along with her being "big sister", but I wouldn't say we're friends or anything.

Does it make a difference if the skid lived in the home with their parent or not?
It absolutely makes a difference that SD never lived with DH. I think it would have changed a lot of things if I was ever expected to live with her. I'm not entirely sure I ever would have married DH if SD lived with him. I think our life would have been so much different that it might not have worked. I think SD's not living with DH allowed for our age difference to not be as noticeable to me. This is interesting because I never thought of this before!

Does it make a difference if the skid is a minor?
Yes...now that SD is an adult, everything is based on her behavior and our desire to have her around, and not out of obligation, or real parenting. While SD was a minor, he had make SD a priority, even if she didn't live with him.

Does it make a difference if the skid treats their parent like crap?
As an adult, absolutely. If SD doesn't treat DH well, he'll simply cut contact until she gets over herself. The problem when she treats BM poorly is that SD will drag DH into the mess.

When we are marrying someone do we owe it to that person to help them in raising their child and being apart of their child's life?
Only if that is what they want. I let DH decide what he wanted from me. He didn't want me parenting at all, but I did give him advice on occasion, and he really did listen to what I had to say. I guess I tried not to get too involved. I would say my opinion once, and not repeat myself, and if he took my advice, great, if not, no big deal.

Is it okay to be an adult in the house with minor kids and not even engage the kids or help in raising them?
I have no experience with this, so I can't say. Each situation is unique.

I make no excuses. I have no responsibility in the lives of my step kids. I actually like them because they are good natured kids.

What I will not deal with is a crazy, bitter, jealous ex. I didn't marry her and I certainly didn't have sex with her (yuck). I will not deal with her crap and will not allow my husband to be berated by her. I don't take anyones crap. I am too old for it.

We don't have a relationship with skids because she can't control her mouth and herself. That is on her and is on dh for not setting boundaries with her earlier.

You accept a person, warts and all. That is DH's favorite saying.

I guess SS13 is his wart. I accepted him at first and even tried to be the all around wholesome fill-in mommy role because BM2 is a whorebag.

That ended when I figured out DH is a babying, coddling, spoiling Disney dad who pities poor little SS13 because mommykins isn't around and SS has special needs. Boo flipping hoo.

No sweat. I didn't marry SS13, I married DH. I love DH and he is a wonderful husband but I'm glad we don't and won't have any children together. He would drive me insane with his pitying, coddling, lazy parenting ways.

And as DanielleR said: What woman dreams of getting married and instantly having unrelated strangers to raise?

Really interesting question!

I think, all of that is something that gets talked about. I think the line will shift as the relationship changes and as the kids grow into adults.

But I've been on this site many years. If I didn't know about the sh!tstorm that could be brewing, I would probably take the approach of being the adult-in-charge while the skids were there, and I'd push my DH to be a good parent. This would fail, and frustration and resentment would ensue.

Knowing what I know now, I'd start out by talking about where DH wants the lines drawn (pretty much on the first date, once there's enough interest to know we'd like to continue seeing each other and enough personal talk to know he's got kids). And I'd be figuring out what I'm ok with an what I'm not. I'd reserve the right to change my mind, and I'd expect him to step up each and every time as my partner.

Owe them? I owe her sweet dick all. I owe her and H nothing.

I chose to be polite, respectful and consider her part of my family. I chose to look out for her and treat her well. Not because I owed it to her or H. Because I wanted to be a good person.

It all blew up in my face but I don't regret trying to do the right thing.

I might technically owe SD around $10 for bingo cards from 10 years ago. I don't think she's concerned about it.

YES!!!

I'm of the "we don't owe them anything" camp.

We do owe our SPOUSES that we will be civil to their children and make an attempt to form some type of relationship with them. However, it's up to US as to what we're comfortable with and we do not need to make repeated attempts after being treated like shit.

I think that one of the most important things that we owe them is a chance of a positive relationship with thier bio parents. Not that we need to coordinate it but that we need to not hinder those relationships. So avoiding putting either parent down, allowing our spouses the time and space to interact with thier child without us interfering or guilting them out of it. Of course a spouse deserves time and space too but as long as a balance can be achieved then that is right.

Apart from that kids deserve respect, a safe home (if a minor and living in same house) and a chance to be a child (again age dependent) and be shielded from adult issues that they do not need to have knowledge of.

Personally I try to be a good role model but I am not sure about this as something that is owed to a child as acting in a mature manner and treating others with respect etc is a good thing to demonstrate to children but beyond that with how someone chooses to dress, behave in other ways or what careers they choose are also part of being a role model but are much more subjective and up to an individual as to wether that is a good role model or not.