Keeping perspective
So the nonsense continues. Two weeks later and only one of DH's siblings has said anything about SD's visit. It seems the visit was arranged between SD, neice19 and DH's sister. Neice surprised her parents with SD and they mostly stayed at Neice's apartment. Apparently the lack of mention to DH is all fear motivated - "we don't even want to breathe on it in case it breaks". Whatever. DH feels a little bit better about that brother so yippee, terrific.
A lot was supposedly also said to SD by neice in advocacy of DH - that he sent cards and letters, tried to visit, etc etc and supposedly SD was totally shocked. She had No Idea her mother would go to such lengths to make DH look bad. I find this hard to believe if SD has really had to bear the brunt of BM's toxic and utterly insane behavior but again, whatever. Go neice, we appreciate it.
But of course, the drama continues. DH doesn't want to address this any further with anyone else because he doesn't think it will do any good. It will simply give the disordered among his family ammunition to use against him. Okay, I get it. You don't want to confront them, don't.
However, it leaves to question of what to do about family gathering crap. Personally, I would see the (mostly) healthy memebers and make arrangements for that myself and avoid the narcissistic a-holes but I know DH will not do that. He will feel, and likely his Whole family will feel, it's an all or nothing deal.
I'm not keen to promote a relationship between our two super young kids and his crazy family. Im really not interested in his family's thoughts on how SD should be reintegrated into our life if that is a possibility.
Apparently during the visit there was talk about SD coming for another visit and well maybe there could be a big family dinner and SD could see her dad there and SM and the girls..... Um. That's not going to work for us.
Our nearly 3yo gets very attached to people very quickly. And the word "sister" has a very very real definition in her mind thanks in part to her baby sister and in part to Frozen. Neither DH or I are comfortable with SD meeting the little ones when she isn't even sure in herself that she actually wants a relationship with her dad. Without that, there will be no relationship with our kids until they are adults, there have been too many lies, manipulations and ridiculousness to even consider it.
My current concern is that DH is going to want to continue to go to family gatherings, notably thanksgiving but other odd ones as well and that the family will decide to "surprise" us with SD. I don't know if I should be approaching this with a great, you go, the kids and I will stay home because xxxxx. Or if it's going to be a see SD's face and leave or.... Stay and try to make it work.
I feel like no matter what we do there's going to be an amazing amount of drama and hurt. I don't want to damage DH's chances of re growing a relationship with his kid and I don't want to put my kids into a situation that's just going to wind up being a giant cluster f&@$.
- Aeron's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
It is an adult child yes.
It is an adult child yes.
The plan that DH and I had was/is that the two of the, need to form a relationship and do their own repair work before he brings the rest of our family into it. What you suggest is exactly what we thought was best.
Overall it sounds like the girls and I ought to stay away until DH trusts his family not to interfere. Oh goody.
I'm not angry at SD. I am
I'm not angry at SD. I am angry at DH's sister, his mom...
I am however, concerned about SD's anger, which she has acknowledged over and over every time she's spoken to DH in the last 6 years.
Our kids "know" about SD, they've seen pictures of her, it's not like we've hid her. But yea, I worry about emotional trauma for my kids and I don't think that's as insane as you're making it out to be. This is a Very angry young adult and regardless of how she got to be this way she has a history of lashing out to the extremes. This is someone that I haven't been in a room with in nearly 6 years, that we've had little to no news of in about that long. She is basically a stranger. So yeah, I worry about having my kid meet her sister and then a week later have to try to figure out how to explain to her that no, we can't call her or see her because she's told her dad to eff off again and hates her mommy. Maybe you're totally cool with setting yourself and your kids up for that but I'm not.
I'm not sure what you think I need to step off of. I'm not even asking about how to manage things with Sd herself. I'm trying to keep some perspective about interacting with the rest of my in-laws, several of whom are narcissistic, self-righteous and manipulative. Who might decide to take the introductions upon themselves rather than leave that up to DH and I.
Can I ask, what do you little
Can I ask, what do you little ones been told or they asked about the girl in the pictures? Have they asked where she is or why they haven't met her?
DD likes to look through
DD likes to look through pictures and ask everyone's name. I think DH may have told her it was her sister once or twice but he kind of avoids it lately. I've left it to him so far because I honestly don't really know what to tell them at this point with the current lack of relationship and memories of not really having my own half-sib around when I was little.
She's never asked me about her. I don't know if she's asked DH or not, he's never said she has. She does make statements about "SD name" occasionally. Our other DD is turning 1 soon so not so complicated there yet.
I think you're absolutely
I think you're absolutely right to not want your kids around SD until she decides she wants to be a part of her father's life. Especially at 3 years old, it could be extremely confusing and damaging to suddenly have a big sister and then she never speaks to you again. Small children always wonder why they are being rejected when things like that happen, how many of us know kids who thought their parents divorced because of them? One of my best friends as a child always thought if she "had only been better behaved they'd still be married!" It's awful. No, not something to burden a little one with. When SD and DH have reestablished a relationship and she's proven to be somewhat stable then it's time to introduce them. Not before that.
I think you're making a
I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I would just suck it up and go to the gatherings, pick and choose, of course, I'm sure you have your own family to visit too. I totally get having dysfunctional family members, and needing some space and time away, but totally avoiding them isn't the solution either. If SD surprises you, just treat her like a distant relative, you don't have to call SD your DD's sister, use half-sister or DH's other daughter, and don't encourage her to create a relationship where there is none.
I have older half siblings that were alienated from my dad, and he's not all innocent either, he gave their mom more than enough ammunition to do so. They were grown or close to it when I was born, and I saw them once in a blue moon when I was younger, and they were strictly half brothers and half sisters. We're friends on facebook, but that's about it.