Why Doesn't My Stepdaughter Like Me
Hi! Just joined this forum with the hope that I can get some help. I have three stepchildren, all teenagers. They have been in my life for ten years. The two youngest have lived with me and their father for the last eight years. My youngest stepdaughter, 13, seems to really dislike me these days. I keep giving and trying to connect, but she isn't receptive. In fact she is very critical of me. My friends keep telling me that it is a phase, but when she talks to her mother (who she barely sees) she is always charming. I feel like the only time she is nice to me is when she wants something material. Then when she gets it, she goes back to being mean to me. I feel hurt and unsure on how to deal with this situation. Help, any thoughts or suggestions?
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The more you do for her, the
The more you do for her, the more you remind her of what her own mother is not doing for her. Rejecting you because you are more familiar to her than her own mother which is not natural. Don't take it so personal. On top of being a constant reminder that her mom is substandard, she is a teenager going through a difficult time. Take a step back, let her sort out where she wants to put you in her life (as long as it's respectful) and don't take it personally or smother her.
Thank you. You have made some
Thank you. You have made some good points. I use to do a lot with her when she was younger. I guess I feel a void. It's difficult. I really care about the kid.
Yes, I have taken her out.
Yes, I have taken her out. She sits there with a frown on her face and says very little. I ask her what is wrong and she says there is nothing wrong. I see a different kid when she talks to her mother and friends.
I am actually fearful of
I am actually fearful of having a honest conversation at times. I think I fear that she will leave and want to live with her mother.
My stepdaughter packed her
My stepdaughter packed her clothes in a garbage bag at 7 and basically told us that she didn't want to live with her mom because mom was always gone. Leaving her with her older sister who did not get along with her then and to this day there seems to be this sibling rivalry between the two girls. My husband didn't want her to live with her mom because there was always a lack of parental supervision.
It could also be that's just
It could also be that's just the sort of teen she is...rebelling against the more parental figure, while sweet-talking the mom she doesn't see much. I agree with your friend that it's probably a phase.
I know I was terrible to my mom at 13 (intact family). I criticized EVERYTHING about her, did pretty much the opposite of what I was told, and created reasons to spend time doing anything but being with mom. In my case it was a combo of me being fiercely independent and her being fiercely authoritarian. I also was excellent at being nice/helpful when I wanted something bad enough. Fortunately for you, there is an option that you can take as a step-parent that a bio-parent can't do as thoroughly--disengage.
Once you stop making efforts to connect, you won't be hurt by her response. It may even bring her around to trying harder herself.
If I disengage too much, I
If I disengage too much, I fear she will want to leave.
We got the "you don't have to
We got the "you don't have to be in a good mood but you aren't going to sit here with us and inflict your bad mood on everyone else! Go to your room if you can't be pleasant." And that was bio parents to bio kids. 13 is a tough age. Hormones, changes in their social dynamics etc.
I think it's normal for kids to pull away from their "parents" a bit (which you have been). The treatment for her mom and other kids? Well, there is more "at stake" with them if she acted the same way right? Her mom might become permanently absent and her peers would ostracize her.
In a way, it's a bit of a compliment that she acts this way. She probably feels you will love/care about her no matter how horrid she acts. Unconditional love and all.
I would just repeat the "don't inflict your bad mood on the rest of the household" line and tell her you care about her, but don't take what she is doing personally. Not all kids get like this, but it is not uncommon especially with GIRLS
Sueu is right. Just pull
Sueu is right. Just pull back. Be logical (it drives teens crazy). If she is snotty tell her she is being rude and you don't appreciate it. Begone nastygirl!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments. Lots to think about.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments. Lots to think about.
My doctor actually
My doctor actually recommended Guinness to get the flow going when I was having trouble. Go figure. Yes please! Lol
Not that this will make you
Not that this will make you feel any better but....She is treating you like a mom!!
I raised a daughter who (at that age) was all about her "friends mom's" and wanted nothing to do with me.
I hate to admit, I was probably the same way at that age. Thought my best friends mom was AWESOME but my own mom was
just a nagging pain....Now that I am older I understand that was just teenage brain farts.
Just give her space, keep parenting her as you were and she will come around.
It may be 10 years before she gets it but just try not to let your feelings get hurt.
Thanks everyone. I am
Thanks everyone. I am actually dropping her off to her BM tomorrow. She will be spending the next several weeks with her. My SD was her usual self today. Moody and on edge. I think the break will be good for both of us.
This is my life too!
This is my life with my SD9! Ohhhh my Godddd. I'm ready to pull my hair out. I've stepped up in this girls life more than she could ever dream of her Mom doing, yet I'm incapable and stupid compared to her Mom. I am a very well-educated woman, probably the most athletic person she knows, who is very successful in the realm of coaching and sport. But her Mom took her for her first bike ride ever, about a month ago, and her Mom was amazing because she stood up while riding her bike (insert eyeroll, as I am an avid mountain biker who rides bike with SD all the time). She doesn't believe a word I say, but came home and told me she's never eating frozen fruit again because her Mom told her if gives you worms! And she took that for gospel. My patience is running so thin. Yet, this child will call me up daily when she's at her Moms wondering what I'm doing that day because she wants to join in on the fun. I know she lashes out because of the lack of relationship with her Mom but that doesn't help decrease the stress I feel when she's nasty and unappreciative towards me.