OT - inlaw drama, Final Chapter (I hope)
Ok, so I beleive my past blogs are still up. Basically, I was told a couple of months ago that;
1. My MIL and SIL do soooooo much for DH and I by taking care of DD2.5, that it is too much; and
2. I am not family.
I was hurt, because actually, I am the social director of the entire d!mn family. If not for me, those two would never see DD OR DH. I am the one who reminds about birthdays and takes care of gifts and says thank you. I've been doing that for coming up on 8 years now.
We (DH and I) arranged our lives to support MIL and SIL having time with DD. It was inconvenient, but since the world doesn't revolve around me, I accepted that and made it work for DD.
My reaction to their snotty comments was to arrange things so that I saw them each only once, briefly, each week.
Recently, the basic things that we do to support their relationship with DD have become too much. I have health issues and they seem to have flared up the last few weeks, and the inconvenience has become a burden. So, we decided to make changes. And, again out of love and kindness, before we implemented the changes, we arranged to discuss them with MIL and SIL, so that we could continue to support their relationship with DD.
I ended up not going to this 'family meeting' because I was already anticipating feeling rejected and criticized and unappreciated, and DH felt like he could handle the deets on his own.
He comes back, and I ask if they appreciated how we consulted with them, how much I have done to support their involvement with DD, etc etc. Of course not.
So I think I've gotten to the end of my patience with this. DH keeps acting like a wuss because he says he feels caught in the middle... but really he just avoids conflict to the point that more conflict gets caused because he hasn't communicated anything. I keep feeling like a doormat, and like I can't get out from under because it's what DH wants from me.
I have now arranged that the one pickup per week left will be handled by DH. I have blocked MIL and SIL on FB and on my phone. MIL can still pick DD up from daycare one day per week, but she is no longer the emergency contact. Other than than, I can't think of any regularly occurring events to include them out of.
Sinterklaas and DD's birthday aren't until December, so I have some time to decide how I would like to handle. DH has been told, and he told me he made it clear to them as well, that any time with DD other than the one afternoon per week, will be arranged through him.
Unless I have a good reason, I will just stick to the day of the week MIL prefers, although I will now spend a little time trying to find a good reason.
I am feeling better, but I was really hurt and angry. And I wish I was strong enough to confront these two, but my insecurity gets the better of me. Sometimes I wish I'd never left Canada and never ended up living in a country where I feel so alone and have in-laws to deal with.
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!@#$%^ This is exactly the
!@#$%^
This is exactly the shit I deal with courtesy of my MIL. I used to support DD and her relationship by scheduling DD to see her when it was convenient for her because she wanted to watch DD. But then if it was 4 hours or more, it was too much, so I had to cut it down to about 3 hours, while she was claiming she was helping me by babysitting DD when it reality, there was very little shit I could do since it's half an hour drive to and from her house and by the time I got back to my house, I'd be preparing to leave again. Maybe I'd load the dishwasher and the washing machine, but dayum, it would have been way easier to just have kept DD with me.
Now, guess what, after all the crap MIL's pulled, we have pretty much limited contact and she's going nuts about it. Honestly, had I known this was the end result anyway, I wouldn't have allowed her to babysit DD from the beginning. Way too much drama.
I'm rooting in this corner for you, moe. We're apparently against #crazyMIL.
TBH, I was thinking of you as
TBH, I was thinking of you as I originally posted. I knew you'd get it. Lol.
It's complicated. First of
It's complicated. First of all, being an immigrant and a SAHM can be isolating. The culture differences are huge - Dutch people do not value kindness or gentleness, they see it as a weakness. I'm Canadian. We walk around saying, "Excuse me" and "Sorry" and offering to help people carry stuff or give them directions.
Secondly, this website. I sometimes 'feel' like DD is MINE MINE MINE, but I know MIL is not dangerous for DD to be around, so I think the right thing to do is to support contact. The more people who love DD in her life, the better for her.
However, from now on, I will have no contact myself. It's all on DH.
I agree with you and admire
I agree with you and admire your resolve to let DD have more people who love her in her life. That is incredibly selfless of you. However, I hate to hear about stuff like this. My wonderful sister has a similar MIL. Adores my sister's three boys, acts like she has all kinds of rights to them...is lukewarm about my sister or, at times, hostile. Who does she think my sister is? Some kind of brood mare who exists to spit out grandkids for her. Makes my blood boil.
Right? And as we talked about
Right?
And as we talked about it last night, DH shared that he was surprised at how lukewarm MIL and SIL were about having time with DD. We felt it was important to offer, and MIL seemed keen on the one afternoon she currently has, but as I said, up until two months ago it was 5/7 days - and until the change in daycare goes through, SIL has 2 half-days at her work, but after that MIL's afternoon is enough for both of them?
When I was pregnant, SIL and MIL made a big fuss posting crap on FB about becoming a tante/oma... but when DH went over with a copy of the first scan of the baby and wanted to show them, they weren't interested. Like that. All the interest for show.
But I called the new daycare today and I get the feeling they can transfer DD pretty fast. Normally there's a one-month notice period, but both locations are part of a large chain, so it sounded like it could be done 'internally' and fast... here's hoping!
Your right it is time to
Your right it is time to disengage totally from these woman. Limit contact and do not remind them in regards to bdays or anything else anymore. Let them see how hard it is to actually figure something out for once.
Your dh also needs to get some life coaching or self confidence coaching or something along that line. He can't keep wussing out at every opportunity and then have you feeling like a door mat. If worst comes to worse get a sitter or nanny that suits you and let her take care of dd on what used to be mil time.
Please take care of yourself at the moment as it sounds like you are struggling mentally and health wise
Thanks. I am having a rough
Thanks. I am having a rough time of it.
I lost it on DH today (as I predicted to him yesterday). I asked him to make sure MIL and SIL knew that the reason we were making these specific changes was to shield me from them, because they have been unkind and hurt me and we (he and I) will not allow that. Of course, he didn't say that part out loud to them because it had nothing to do with the actual outcome of arranging no contact.
I get his point of view, but as I pointed out to him, the only one who would give a flying monkey f*ck if he drew that boundary or not was ME. And I am the one who g*dd*mn matters.
We will be discussing this further in an hour or so. Right now the kid is in bed and we are sitting on the sofa drinking tea and eating chocolate.
So DH admitted that he was
So DH admitted that he was just a big fat coward and didn't want the confrontation with his family that sticking up for me in this situation would have invited.
I get it.
But I also have my needs in our relationship. DH does so much to make a nice life for me, and I know he adores me. But sometimes, I need someone who doesn't expect me to be strong. I am always the strong one. I have done so many f*cking hard things in my life, on my own, and I just want to be on a team with someone who shields me as I shield them.
I think it will be ok, because I love DH too and I want it all to work out. But I'm not sure how.
I feel like, I'm the kind of person who, because DH doesn't like fish or tomatoes or salad, we didn't eat those things for 7 years (until this past two weeks when I decided I really want salad again and he wanted to share).
But when someone is throwing a punch at me, and I ask DH to help me stop the guy from hitting me, he says ok but then just stands there, then later says, "Oh, but you take care of yourself just fine."
I asked him, how do you see this relationship progressing if that's the paradigm? If the deal is, I accommodate your every whim, everything you've said out loud I try to respect even though I really like fish and salad and tomatoes.... but when I spend a couple of hours opening my heart and sharing some intense feelings and working to articulate some heavy sh!t, you act to me like it mattered but to the outside world you act like I'm nothing - where do you think that path will lead our relationship?
I know there's a big picture here - I've got low self-esteem, I'm insecure, I'm lonely and unfulfilled. I love my kid but have a lot of guilt about not really liking being a SAHM. Making a change is a huge challenge due to my health issues, the job market, and the fact that I'm not from the Netherlands. So I probably turn to DH to meet needs that, in another life, could be met by friends, work, etc.
But there's also the little picture. I asked him to do something, he understood that it was very important to me, he agreed, and then he didn't do it. Then he seemed shocked that I was hurt, because he wasn't trying to hurt me. But he wasn't trying to shield me, or show me the love I wanted to see in that moment - and he wasn't willing to be strong on my behalf, to do something difficult.
So I'm the one that has to be strong, again.
I'm really not sure how to proceed, for my own happiness, nor for my relationship.
Yes, MIL thinks she's in
Yes, MIL thinks she's in charge. DH doesn't care, so he doesn't confront her. I feel uncomfortable all the time because all contact is that awful false bonhomie that covers up the sadness and hurt and antagonism.
It is the nature of the
It is the nature of the beast. Well the Dutch beast. My father is Dutch and his sister probably went to the same school of behaviour as your MIL. Pushy, emotional when it works for them and bossy beyond belief.
Just dismiss her drama as just the way she is. Don't take it to heart. She is just bossy like the line from a Rod Stewart song "A big bosomed lady, with a Dutch accent tried to change my point of view..." When my mother heard this she laughed and said "He must know Auntie E."
Agree! Some of this can be
Agree! Some of this can be attributed to the Dutch "finger wagging" culture. Because you are a stranger in a strange land, it makes it twice as difficult.
Boy oh boy! Your OSD is
Boy oh boy! Your OSD is probably in for a wild ride .. ha ha. Not to stereotype, but most of the Dutch people typically have NO PROBLEM with speaking their mind without any kind of censor. Too bad you couldn't be a fly on the wall the first time OSD's new MIL visits her house. Karma is a B!tch!!
Yeah. I used to feel so
Yeah. I used to feel so attacked just by casual conversation because it's 'normal' here to say things like, "Oh, you're going to xyz country? You have to go here and there, you have to bring this and that, you have to do this and the other. A friend did it and it's really true, there's only one correct way to do anything and it's the way I'm telling you." ("have to" as in must, not "have to" as in, "Omigosh, you simply must...")
And other Dutch people think this is normal conversation.
Hey Moe, When can DD start
Hey Moe,
When can DD start school? Here in Belgium you can enroll kids from 2.5years, the encourage the younger age to help them adjust for proper school at age 5 and to catch any potential issues.
On one side it does seem very young for a full scho day but most schools have before and after school care available. Again here most schools come with childcare options from 7am till 7pm, and then you just might be able to get away with not needing MILs help.
I am very fortunate that I do not have to deal with in-laws. FIL lives overseas and manages a visit once a year (to see all three of his adult kids and any grandkids) and after years of drama pulled by MIL she was on thin ice and created a campaign against me so DH cut her off. Been two years without her input now.
How reliant are you on this one day a week? And what are your alternatives?
Since its too much for MIL to help out and has taken a turn for attempting to bitch at you, I'd be looking at ways to manage without her input and allow her to take full responsibility if she has a desire to peruse a relationship with DD.
Here school starts at age 4.
Here school starts at age 4. Before then you have to pay for daycare, so we've got 1.5 years to go.
What we've done is moved DD from the same daycare SIL works at to one walking distance from me. Coincidentally, this particular location is one of just a handful that support early language development. On the one hand, a non-issue for DD who is speaking very well in the majority language and reasonably in her two minority languages (compared to kids who only speak one language). But, because of the structure of the program, there is a little bit more guided play and more contact with parents to support learning themes, which I am very happy about.
Move to Belgium Wise move
Move to Belgium
Wise move in taking DD out of the same daycare that SIL was at. Sounds like the new one is better suited for DD and for you, which ultimately, is the most important thing.
I've read the rest of your replies but Ill just reply here as its easier. I hope your next conversation with DH goes better, we all at times need more of a SHOW of support from our partners but I think when you literally pick up and move your life for your partner, it becomes all the more important. Like you said yourself, your support network that would normally have your own family/friends network close by has been massively reduced and the only person that can fill that gap is the one person who was worth moving for.
Sometimes I think our DHs struggle to really see it, they try, but unless they have also gone and relocated they cant really understand how it feels.
As you know I dont have any bios, but as and when I do I dont think I could handle being a SAHM, and I dont think that is anything to be ashamed of.
Heck for me my first job in Belgium was part time waitress work just to keep me sane whilst I went to school to get the language down and that was without an infant to deal with.
I'm confident you will find the best way through for you and DD, be it with small changes or major ones, you have your head screwed on properly so you WILL get there.
Moe, it isn't you. You
Moe, it isn't you. You mentioned in a previous blog that DH doesn't feel included in the close family loop with MIL and SIL. Is it possible that he doesn't want to risk being pushed further away?
I don't think he would mind
I don't think he would mind being pushed further away, I truly think that he is so bottom-line that he fails to address the path one follows to reach the goal.
I think the framework matters as much, if not more. Means vs ends, I suppose.
It's done. The switch in
It's done. The switch in daycare was an internal change. She goes half-days Mon & Thurs, I called this morning and the change is effective Thursday. She goes an extra half-day tomorrow to adjust. We told her about it, and she seemed fine... but at bedtime she's been very stressed out and said she didn't want the 'big day tomorrow' I was talking about when I told her she needed to rest and relax.
Ofc DH came home tonight and has a meeting Thursday until 5pm, an hour away from picking up DD at MIL's at 5pm. He wondered how to solve that.
I told him I wondered too...
"I told him I wondered
"I told him I wondered too..." HA! perfect response.
i'm so sorry moe. u're in a position that is very awkward for you. crossing cultures can be hairy at best.
perhaps unconsiously he didnt bring it up because he was actually protecting you??? maybe????? if their culture is more overbearing and bottom line, would him bringing emotion into have caused even further problems, such as them putting total blame squarely on your shoulders, saying you're too thin-skinned and not a good match for a dutch?
i know how truly important it was for you that they know exactly WHY these changes are being made. i'm sorry that didnt happen. but maybe in the grand scheme of the universe it's the way it needed to happen????? idk, just - (((((hugs)))))