While I was once a very active member here, that was in some of our darkest years. Thankfully, we've been able to reconcile our broken relationships with my SS & SD & continue to grow closer & closer to them again.

That said, their relationships with BM are crumbling. She's a pill addict & has been for nearly 8 years, as far as we're aware. I know that years before that, toward the end of her marriage with DH, she was using cocaine.

SS is now 22 & SD is 19. Both grown, but still living with BM. They both have jobs & are very responsible about getting up & getting themselves where they need to be on time.

BM hasn't worked since the early years of her marriage with DH. I don't know how many times she's filed for disability, but they won't give it to her. Why would they? She isn't disabled.

I don't know if BM ever stopped using after she left DH. I do know that the kids have been aware of & exposed to her drug use since ages 15 & 13. At 17, SS began holding her pills (doctor prescribed) & doling them out to her as prescribed because she was over-using & selling them. 5-6 days into her prescription, her pills would be gone & she'd hit the street looking for something to buy. Why would she sell hers if she was having to go back out to buy??? It's the logic of an addict.

When SS started "rationing" her pills to her, she would demand more. When he didn't give them to her, she would get physical. Police would be called & her mother (who lives next door) would come over, tell the police she'd take of things & they would leave. As this cycle continued, as soon as the police were called, BM would leave. Police were given a description of her & her vehicle & said they would "keep an eye out for her". For what??? Her pills were prescribed.

After several years, DH convinced SS to stop holding the pills. It was a responsibility that was not his to take. He was trying to force his mother to follow his rules. He was involving himself in something that was not his to control. Him holding simply sent her to the street & she had no problem finding what she wanted. All-in-all, it was causing more problems than it was solving.

As her addiction has progressed, she has threatened suicide if the police are called. She threatens to drive herself off the road or into traffic.

She called one morning & told them she'd checked herself into a 30-day rehab program. She would call every couple of days to tell them how she was doing, but gave herself away by calling from her cell phone. DH was telling me about it & my first thought was, a program allows limited contact with people outside. Even then, phone calls are made from the facility...not personal cell phones. Sure enough, the kids called every facility in the state & she wasn't checked into any of them. The final giveaway was when she showed up at home 28 days later claiming she finished her 30-day program. Apparently she lost 2 days somewhere.

Anyway (I know this getting long) as it stands, it's become her "normal" to stay gone for 6, 7, 8 days at a time & come home & crash for one or two before she heads out for another binge.

Mother's Day was the most recent altercation, as the kids were supposed to take her out for dinner. She showed up Saturday, after 6 days away. When she got home, the kids had Mother's Day cards & gifts for her. She got mad because her bedding was in the washing machine. They tried to give her their cards & gifts & She tore them up without even reading them. Then she crashed...no bedding, no blanket. She still had her shoes on.

Sunday, SS & his GF took GF's mom out for lunch. They were coming back to get SD & BM to take BM to dinner. SD went in to wake her up to get ready & she flew hot. She was pissed that SD woke her up. She said something about nobody cared enough to give her anything for Mother's Day. When SD reminded her that she'd given her 2 gifts & a card & SS had given her flowers & card, she told SD to "leave me the fuck alone". SD told her to "grow the fuck up & act like an adult" & BM punched her square in the face.

This shit is out of hand.

The kids are grown & the best thing for them is remove themselves. While they are taking responsibility for themselves, they're trying to save someone who doesn't want to save herself. If it were anyone but their mother, I don't think they'd feel pressed to stay. I know that the decision to leave has to be theirs, but being that she is the one they grew up with, & being that they were raised to be her protectors & keepers, it's something they continue to obligated to do.

It's clear to those of us outside of their situation to see that they can't protect her from herself. For them, though, it's different. They feel like if they stop trying, it means they're giving up. If they leave her & something happens, they'll feel at fault. Having been in this situation for so long that while it hurts, it's become a familiar & I think comfortable (in an odd way) place for them.

Her mother is right there, & is someone they can talk to. She knows the dirty details. They aren't ashamed to be open with her about it. While she's an outlet for them, because she's right there & she's been in the middle of it all & continues to encourage not ruffling BM's feathers, rather than helping them escape this, she's part of the problem.

Does anyone have advice for how we can help them escape this? We've done all we know to do. We've offered, & continue to offer a place for them in our home. We've been available to listen anytime they want to talk. I find that they both seem hesitant to reach out to us for help, & I figure that has to do with feeling the need to protect her from criticism. Not that we do, but as there has always been friction between BM & DH, they don't want to bring her shame to his attention. It's embarrassing for them & they know that it only confirms her fault in their split.

Are there books that someone could recommend, that maybe share experiences of other adult children who have lived this & how they were able to escape the feeling of responsibility for their parent?

I found ST in our darkest years of alienation. We've been through the worst, survived it & beat it. I'm back now, hoping to find some answers here, to help us all come through this together, happy & healthy.

ETA: We've suggested counseling for the kids, to help them learn how to move themselves forward without feeling like they're deserting their mom, & we've suggested groups...we've offered to go with them or if they'd rather do it themselves, we would support them. Again, BM's mother is shutting it down, suggesting that because BM is their family, that's where it needs to stay. It's no surprise to me that her pride & her need to keep this hush-hush ranks higher than the life of her daughter & the mental health of her grandchildren...