OH and I are getting married.

Ladies I need some advice......OH and I have decided to get married, we've been together 4 years. That's all going well, we are getting married in the US where we live. But we're also having a big ceremony and reception in the UK, that's where I'm from. We've been engaged for two years and OH has told his kids we're planning the wedding in the UK. SD13 is excited, I have a good relationship with her but SS11 is a poisonous mini husband to BM and does passive aggressive crap a lot.

So the question is for the US wedding should we allow the skids to be there? And if they do come how can I stop any BM drama? My idea is if we invite them, we don't tell them the actual date, we set it for one of their normal visitation weekend. When they wake up on the Saturday we tell them to dress smart as we have a family gathering. And then once we get to where we are getting married we tell them it's our wedding. We'll have already taken their phones off them for the day. So they can't call BM and receive instructions on how to ruin/sabotage the wedding. It will all be over and done with by the time BM finds out.

Any suggestion on the best way to do this? What can BM do to ruin this, I'm sure there are lots of things I haven't thought of. Alternatively we don't invite them at all.

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Congrats! Handle it however

Congrats!
Handle it however you'd like. I think springing it on them is a bit much, some kids might fly straight into a melt-down in that situation.

Why not just get married (courthouse?) and then have a celebration for friends, family, and skids at a later date?

Thanks! . We're thinking

Thanks! :).

We're thinking about this idea too, just doing a private ceremony and then a big party with friends and family afterwards. Eloping is such a tempting idea but we would like OHs family there, they're very excited that we're getting married.

I think it would help the relationship with SD if she was there, she'd feel even more supportive of the marriage. She already tells people I'm her SM and has done for 3 years. SS still has in his head that there is a Disney ending to this whole situation, where I vanish into thin air and his parents get back together and they all live happily ever after.

Also there's a tiny part of me that likes the idea of the skids being there just to piss off BM. She'd be so annoyed if we involved the skids. :).

BM had always played

BM had always played manipulative/ passive aggressive behaviour through the skids. We've stopped a lot of it by never telling the Skids any of our plans. So far this has worked well, this is why we're thinking of using this tactic for the wedding. OH idea is to not have them there at all as SS11 has already said he doesn't want to be involved. But SD13 has said she would like to be involved.

you need to know this will

you need to know this will not stop.If you play girl against boy look out..you will do something one day and the 13 yr old will side wth her brother and you will have it rough.I am sorry but getting married in another Country is not a good idea. You are marrying a man who has young kids.They need to be part of it. The wedding should be kid friendly. England by yourself after ...honeymoon and do the after the wedding party there without the kids.Have the wedding here....very small so the kids can be part of it and then if they act up ...who cares it is only a small group.Try not to forget, he had the big wedding,when you marry a man with kids you do not get that white day all adults..it is not your realty.If you get married without the kids there...they will be angry and your husband pays the price ,he will regret it and not be happy with you.

you need to know this will

Yes, you're right. I do

Yes, you're right. I do think the skids will feel left out if they are not there for the smaller US ceremony. Actually it's my idea about maybe inviting the skids. OH doesn't want his kids there, he wants to minimize any BM drama that they might bring. The second UK part of the wedding is for my family, my parents are too ill to travel so hence having the second wedding in England so they can attend.

OH eloped for his first wedding with BM when he was early 20s. They eloped because they knew OHs family would try and stop it. His family hated BM from the start because she was so vile and nasty to everyone. So OH wants the big white wedding this time.

^THIS^ My SD was older, so

^THIS^

My SD was older, so maybe it was easier. She just turned 17 when we got married. When we got engaged, DH didn't jump to tell her, but when he did, he told her and didn't care to hear her opinion. He also did not invite her to the wedding. I asked if we should extend an official invitation even knowing she wouldn't be able to attend, but DH said no. We eloped on an island, but held a big picnic for all family and friends during the summer, and by then SD was perfectly fine with everything. Let OH decide how to handle skids since he would know best what would create least drama.

BM drama wasn't too much of an issue for us because of the timing (not yet in college, but old enough to do what she wants), so it's a little different.

OP should do whatever she wants. It's HER first wedding, and just because he did it all doesn't mean she shouldn't get what she wants. I decided that I wanted it to be completely different from DH's first wedding, and it turned out to be our perfect wedding for both of us. His favorite area in the world, and I got to wear my dream Jimmy Choos.

Congrats OP!

Love this, thank you!

Wow. The wedding police are

Wow. The wedding police are here. I really can't believe what I just read. Yikes!

First of all, the OP can have whatever kind of wedding she wants...big, small, formal, casual, white dress, green dress, this is the OP's day, and if she wants to pretend she's the Queen of England, she can. Just because her DH had been married before doesn't mean she has to compromise what she's dreamed of. No one should be robbed of her dream wedding, least of all because of some idiot BM.

Secondly, you make it sound like all one has to do is set a boundary and like magic, the high conflict BM or her poisoned son will stick to it. YEAH RIGHT! That's completely dillusional thinking right there. If all anyone had to do was tell BM, "hey this is my boundary, please respect it," this site wouldn't even exist. The OP obviously knows from past experience that this BM won't respect boundaries, so who are you to tell her that it's so easy to do? You're way over-simplifying this situation. It's obviously difficult and volatile or the OP wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Your comment about her marrying into an established family and she will never have an intact family even if they have kids just SCREAMS golden uterus BM to me. Gross. My DH has two kids from his previous marriage but WE have an intact family. We've been married 13 years and have 2 children of our own and I'll be damned if someone said were not an intact family just because I have 2 step kids. Step kids grow up and become independent (if they are raised right) and the ones who aren't alienated by their GUBM will become a part of this new family. That was just such a sh-tty thing to say. Definitely something a jealous first wife would say (and want to believe).

Your post was incredibly judgmental, one sided and not at all helpful. So here's my advice to the OP: your wedding is yours, it is one of the few days in life that is ALL ABOUT YOU, and you deserve to have people around you that love you and support your marriage. No one would tell you to include a neighbor or relative that doesn't like you or doesn't want you to get married. If your SS is completely against this, why would you want him there? Why would he want to go? That's just asking for your day (not to mention wedding pictures) to be ruined. I think you need to be upfront with SS and tell him he can come to your wedding or not, but if he's going to be a jerk or try to sabotage it in any way, then he needs not come. Maybe, if he agrees to attend, be prepared to have someone get him the hell out of there and take him immediately back to BM's the minute he tries to cause trouble. You'll be putting up with his nonsense the rest of your life, you're allowed to cut it out on this one day. I do like the idea of eloping and having a party where everyone is included at a later date, that way if SS does act out, you won't have to stop on your actual wedding day to put him in his place or remove him. You can still invite your inlaws and close friends if you elope.

Congrats and good luck to you!

Thanks for the support Just J

Thanks for the support Just J and Bossypants, appreciate it very much. I totally agree with all your comments.

My SS's mom is high conflict

My SS's mom is high conflict so when it comes to vacations and celebrations we keep it to ourselves until the last minute. The custody papers don't have anything written that we have to let her know however many days prior but just that she gets to know where we will be and how long. Now if your BM is high conflict how are you going to get the kids to the UK ceremony? Do you have their passports and BM written permission to take them out of country? I only bring this up because if you don't have these things then you'll have to tell her you're going beforehand so she can gather all their documents to go with y'all. I'm sure she's smart enough to figure it out once you tell her y'all need the information. Maybe I'm projecting or my ss's BM runs on another level but you should just expect the drama whether it's getting her approval to go to the UK or even causing havoc once you're there and make it your priority to ignore it all and not let it ruin your ceremonies because that's what she wants.

Ladies, you never fail to

Ladies, you never fail to give the best advice, thank you so much. I think it's best that we surprise the kids, I can take SD to a dress fitting a few months before, she will have an idea but she won't tell BM. SD and BM don't have a good relationship, BM has been very cruel to her. All BM cares about is her son/mini husband. SD and I have this little secret club that BM doesn't know about. I know at some point that might change and I'm prepared for that. I still won't tell SD the date just in case it gets out.

I know BM will give SS an agenda of things to ruin the wedding. She has done this many times before. We have a rule we never tell the kids of weekend plans before they visit so BM can't poison them. Hell, I don't even tell them what food we plan to eat. If they ask what's for lunch/dinner I smile and say 'cat food, do you want chicken or tuna flavour? If you want tuna don't tell the cat or he'll get jealous!' They have learnt not to ask. And it makes for a much more peaceful house. They know the wedding is coming but we won't mention another thing till the morning of the wedding.

This is my first wedding and so I'll be wearing a big ivory dress, I can't wait soooo excited! Hmmm dream Jimmy Choos sound great too! The U.K. Wedding will be without skids, it's going to be a very formal wedding in a 500 year old castle right by where I grew up.

I have seen many second

I have seen many second weddings (and thirds). One can do what ever one wants to do. The "wedding police" do not have the authority to come arrest you. Many many people have a big wedding even if one or both of the participants have been married before. So what.

A friend of mine married for the first time at 57. She wore a red dress and had the Hallelujah chorus played for their music.

My advice to you is to have a burly man assigned to SS. At the first sign of disrupting things SS should be removed from the premises.

From the YEARS of comments on

From the YEARS of comments on here-if you have a high conflict, PASing BM, (and if you don't, what ARE you doing on this forum?) it is ALWAYS a bad idea to telegraph your punches.

And it will seem like a punch to the PASed skid and GUBM.

And if the shoe was on the other foot you can be sure as shootin that the BM would instruct the skids not to tell your SO that she's getting remarried. Seen it happen WAAAAAAAY too many times over the past decade plus. It happened to us as well.

IF you want the BM to plot, undermine and generally ruin your wedding via the skids, be sure to tell them every little detail about the wedding and invite them in everything including the ceremony. Do not say you were not warned.

Hmmm, all your comments have

Hmmm, all your comments have got me thinking. Maybe I should only have SD there and not allow SS to be there. He's said he's not interested in being there already. That's what he said when we first mentioned we were getting married two years ago and again last week when OH told them we had started the planning. I was thinking having SS at the wedding and being OHs best man would make him feel more involved and accepting of the marriage. If we left him out it would alienate him and make him more angry etc. but honestly BM has this little shit so PASsed out any way having SS at the wedding probably won't make any difference.

If SS even did a little of his passive aggressive shit at the wedding I'd probably lose my temper with him. So why even go there, why tempt fate and even open that possibility up.

SD will love the wedding, shes never been to a special occasion in her life. She'll love being a bridesmaid and wearing a pretty dress. She's really into hair and makeup now and she's lost lots of weight, which is great because she was as fat as butter. Actually she tries to copy me with how she does her hair and makeup. It's really sweet. She loves talking about the boys at her school with me. The second she walks in the door she's saying to my 'oh I have to tell you about what Sam/Paul/Chris said.....' It's always a different boy that she's crushing on. She really would feel special being part of the wedding. But SS I can see him being moody etc, he's had since we got engaged two years ago to stew about the wedding. I'm sure he's going to cook something up even though he knows his dad will punish him badly. He'll have to try to ruin it for BMs sake.

One other thought, in January OH and I were in court with BM. OH had her charged with contempt for withholding the kids from him. BM kept referring to me as OHs 'girlfriend' she knows we're engaged but she obviously refuses to recognise it. She even tried to have me named in the custody agreement that specifically I was not allowed to be left looking after the skids. They finally settled on the wording 'if either parent cannot be with the children for longer than 4 hours then the other parent will take the children.' Basically BM fixed it that I couldn't look after the skids if OH couldn't. Which is fine by me, I don't want to ever have to look after the skids. What I'm trying to say is BM refuses to accept I'm OHs fiancé, then SS will be doing the same. Which means the wedding may well bring out extream behaviour because he will see it as his last chance to stop it. I can imagine BM and he already have a list of things he can do to ruin it. If they do then SD will tell me, she reports to me on their behaviour.

Yep, that's decided it, SS is not invited to the wedding. And we'll keep the details and date a secret from SD so BM can get to her.

And what if he says he

And what if he says he doesn't want to go and tries to refuse to be involved in the day? I fully expect him to fake being ill etc the moment he realises it's the wedding day. He's done it before when we've had family events. He's said multiple times he doesn't want to be there. I hear what you're saying about giving BM and him ammo but if he asks to not go what's wrong with saying ok you don't have to go.

Dont let anyone guilt you

Dont let anyone guilt you into including skids. Trust me, you WILL be sorry. Extend an olive beanch to a psycho BM, pull back a nub for an arm.

I agree! Don't let anyone

I agree! Don't let anyone guilt you into including the skids...if your own DH is on board with it then GO FOR IT, if he regrets it then it is on HIM bc it was HIS idea!!!

My DH and I had a very small wedding (his 2nd, my 1st). He didn't invite any friends/family and I only had my BS12, my mother, aunt and gparents for my side. At that point, skid had been blowing off his visits for 2 months, so it was decided that we wouldn't even bother mentioning it or inviting him. It was just how I wanted it, just the people I wanted there were there and no skid/bm bs/drama! Our wedding day would not have been the special day I wanted it to be if skid was there, I really would have been miserable the whole time bc I really don't like him tbh. I am thankful that my DH didn't invite anyone so when BM went on a rant one day and said that DH didn't even tell her/skid about the wedding and didn't invite skid my DH simply said...I didn't invite ANY of my family to my wedding.

Nothing beats a skid free wedding! Just saying...