BM just astounds me... SS19 tuition
A few updates. I shared my plan for SS19 tuition with DH who is on board (see last blog). It turns out that MIL had a few grand saved for SS19, so the total amount of the cosigned loan would be even smaller. SS19 is aware of the plan and on board for turning over all paycheck to us for tuition, and will be living rent free this summer with his grandparents.
We informed BM of our plan, and that we would not be advancing any money until she paid her promised amount. First she lied about how much she paid. Um no BM... We have school statements to prove what you paid. Then she claimed shed paid for books (mil promised to do this) and given SS19 spending money almost every week. Well we had MIL add the book money to her tuition payments and subtracted that from BMs obligation. As for giving SS19 fun money, it's not our fault he spent all his money but it certainly doesn't trump tuition.
Then she said she couldn't make a lump sum payment, and wanted DH to take a loan for entire amount (including her share) and that she would make the payments. Yeah right BM. How stupid does she think we are? He told her we would never pay or cosign for any amount that was due to her not paying her full amount.
She got mad then and she said she didn't like the position and tone of DHs emails (basically that he was calling her to task for not paying her share). She said she would do what she could by July for her obligation, but would not promise any amount for SS19 next year, or for any of the other kids college. And that she has no legal obligation to pay anything.
I think we should tell her that's between her and SS19. We need to stick with the plan. I sort of expected this so a key component is that we don't pay anything until she pays her much smaller in full. But If she doesn't pay her promised amount there's no way that he will be able to afford it without her help. He will probably need a year off or to transfer. I hope DH has the stomach for that.
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If her amount is "much
If her amount is "much smaller" (so I'm assuming under 5 thousand?) why not stop all the game playing and #1- either just pay it and let SS19 know you covered for his dead beat POS mother, or #2- tell SS19 point blank that BM likely won't pay, and he better work 2 jobs this summer to come up with the difference.
It seems to me that leaving a kid hanging on if he is or isn't going to college on the actions of someone you already know is unreliable is really cruel.
So under my plan she pays his
So under my plan she pays his rent and food, and a relatively small amount of tuition. When you add these expenses you get to her promised contribution. I figured having her pay as little of tuition as possible was best. Also she does better with smaller monthly expenses than lump sums because she can't budget.
Her share of tuition is only a few grand. I don't want to pay it. I think it's a bad precedent to set.
I think we should forward that email to SS19 so he understands. I don't think we are the ones leaving him hanging though. We more than met our promise and are even cosigning for a small loan for this year. I would not agree to us paying more. And SS already needs to earn 3000 this summer. I think it's unlikely he could earn a few grand more.
Yup - forward the email. He
Yup - forward the email. He is 19. It affects his future, and yeah, you guys have done/will do more than your fair share.
She is the one who put him in the shitty situation - SHE is the one SS should be talking to about the predicament.
I agree with you, paying for it all and taking BM off the hook sets a very bad precedent.
I hope your DH has the stomach for it, too, should SS have to take a year off and work or transfer....
dup
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BM set him up and they have
BM set him up and they have already paid more than expected. They have more than done their part to bail SS out. From this point forward it is between SS and BM.
At this point you have done
At this point you have done your fair share + some. I think SS is an adult and he should know the truth. Telling a 5 year old that sometimes we don't get what we want is hard, but telling a 19 year old, not as hard. It'll be a bitter pill to swallow but eventually we all have to accept that living the life we want means compromises and adjustments. He might have to defer for a year, he might have to a transfer back, he might have to work extra. It's his call but you should draw a line at some point.
I think DH needs to meet with
I think DH needs to meet with SS19 in person and outline our plan and what we are prepared to do. He should then show him BMs emails and explain we can't control her behavior.
The problem is, SS19 does not want to deal with any of this. He very much just figures his parents will work it out between them. Despite the literally dozens of times DH has explained to SS how unreliable BM is, he doesn't believe us. And why should he when nothing bad ever happens? DH always picks up the pieces and BM never gets blamed. If anything she's the hero for fighting for things for the kids (private schools, expensive college, etc) I'm so sick of it. That's probably also why I need to draw a line here. I just can't stand it anymore. There needs to be some consequences!
You've been very generous and
You've been very generous and have really worked to find options for SS (more so than BM). I think you have a solid plan. Let us know how the meeting goes.
Hmmm very tricky. So all on
Hmmm very tricky. So all on board except biomom. Typical isn't it?
I am glad step son and dh are on board but it looks like it's new plan time.
I am thinking more and more a year off maybe key here. No one may like it but it will save long run
Come up with a new financial plan just you guys and step son, take her out of it. She is disgusting waster and not worth consideration.
Figure out how much he would need to get together in the year off to complete things and how much you can help
So if tutition is 15000 and you give 7500 he needs to get the next 7500
Half and half between you both
So he has three years after this right? So take a year off, make as much as possible for the year. Like two or three jobs, 80 hours or whatever. Then go back after the year with a year of work experience under belt as well. That's what employers will want to.
When he does go back, he works every holiday and two scholarships or essays a week.
I think this plan could be done for sure and keep you away from loans
Now for the situation in hand: can you strike a deal with step son about it? Can you pay the remainder for this semester but have you pay it back to you? I know it sounds unfair to you but at same time we need to get everyone out of limbo. Including yourselves . You need to have a plan you can go forward with and not to and fro about things. Limbo is misery I am sure you will agree.
Also make dh sign an agreement that if this happens again there will be no white knight on a steed for any of the other kids - they either go to where you can afford or they get no money and no help. This situation is crazy ! BM should be ashamed!
Sorry have him pay it back to
Sorry have him pay it back to you that should have been
^^^^^THIS THIS A MILLION
^^^^^THIS THIS A MILLION TIMES THIS^^^^^
When HRNYC is right, she NAILS it.
How can BM astound you??? Even a blind man could see this coming a million miles away!!
Time for everyone to pull up their big boy pants and deal with REALITY. Tippey-toeing around the truth of things isn't doing SS any favors.
Oh I know... Astounds the
Oh I know... Astounds the wrong word. It's just sometimes catches me off guard. In my family culture, education is valued. You sacrifice for it for your kids education (not private high school which at least in my area is not any better academically and is more about prestige). You send your kid to college. There is no legal obligation, but there is a cultural (and maybe moral) one. BM is a six figure earning professional. And sometimes I forget she does not share this value system. I just can't imagine refusing to promise your kid any money for college. Honestly I wish there was a way to publicly shame her in front of skids friends parents. But then she'd probably just play the poor divorced mother act.
I know none of this probably makes any sense, it's kind of deep and emotional and hard to put into words.
Nor do I think all parents should pay for college. I think it's income dependent, and cultural, and I do believe in kids having some skin in the game. But it just sort of boggles my mind when BM breaks the "rules."
I think it's too late to
I think it's too late to leave mom out of it at this stage of the game.
I would add...."We will not/cannot cover what your mom does not. You will need to figure that out between you and your mom.PERIOD.END.DOT"
Yes! Don't make it your
Yes!
Don't make it your family problem. Ss19 is old enough to solve his problem. Tell him what dh is willing and able to do. Tell him what the gap is and let him know it is up to him and Bm to figure it out. If they cant, hE can take a year to work and save or find a cheaper school. Choice is his
dup
dup
absolutely! "this is what
absolutely!
"this is what we will do/have done. The rest is on your mom. Work it out with her."
All future stepkids who go to
All future stepkids who go to college will need to meet their tuition based on their contribution and ours alone. We won't take BM and her promises into account. For SS19 it's a different story. He's already there so he needs to decide what to do.
why? Why are you letting BM
why? Why are you letting BM off the hook with the other kids?
Why does she get a pass when it comes to supporting her college aged kids??
It shouldn't all fall on you and your husband....
No, what I mean is: We won't
No, what I mean is: We won't pay any more than we already planned. . They will just need to go somewhere cheaper. It will affect the skids but not us.
Ah, got it.... good to hear
Ah, got it....
good to hear
I agree that you need to
I agree that you need to forward it to SS so he is well aware who is doing what and trying to make this all work for him...and who isn't doing squat. You and your DH have found a solution, stick to it and let SS and his mother figure out the rest.
Hi, ladies! Haven't been on
Hi, ladies! Haven't been on in a while. Can someone please explain to me why any college student should not be working to pay their own college expenses? I worked full time. Sometimes I worked two jobs. I always took 18+ hours of college courses. My parents helped me if I came up short, but otherwise, I paid my own expenses. College is a privilege, not a requirement. I went to college, my husband didn't. He makes twice as much as I do. I have been baffled by this concept of parents "owe" their children a college education ever since a family member was upset because her dad couldn't afford to pay for her college. He works his tail off working all kinds of crazy shifts. Her BM's family told her that he was responsible for her tuition, so she got upset when he couldn't afford it. Her BM partied all the time. Her grandma blew through millions of dollars after her grandpa died, but it was her dad's problem to pay for tuition. I'm still paying off student loans. Do I ask my parents to pay them? NO! Kids today have it waaay to easy!