Why does BioMom not teach her kid anything?
My DH ex (biomom) does not parent SS11. They divorced when he was 5. I've known SS11 since he was almost 6. And during that time, biomom didn't do anything at all to parent this kid. Biomom pretty much still does everything for him as if he were still 5 years and helpless. Did she just give up at trying to teach him how to become a future functioning member of society? Since he's been coming to visit here, and since she hasn't taught him much, it's up DH (and me sometimes) to do a lot of it - which kinda makes us the bad parents. Doesn't she care that her lack of parenting hinders him in life, in the long run?? I just don't get it.
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Yes! Although he's good in
Yes! Although he's good in school and makes all "A's" (book smart), he is extremely lacking in social skills. He's 11 but acts maturity-wise as if he's 8. (No street smarts and/or no common sense.) Drives both me and DH crazy, because simple things around here (well, what we think are simple), are difficult for him. Figuring out how to tie the bread load back. Or how to zip the frozen bag to where all the air is out of it. stuff like that.
My SS18 is home on college
My SS18 is home on college break. This is a smart kid who got into a good school on scholarships.
He wanted chicken tenders, so his dad through them in the oven. They were done, so I called SS. Keep in mind he's 18.
He stared at me for a good solid two minutes waiting to see if I was going to turn off the buzzer and get them out of the over for him. NOPE. Watching him try to figure out how to turn off the timer, turn off the oven, open the door, reach half way in before realizing he needed an oven mit (yes, I was willing to let him get burned, that way he would learn it for good), try to locate the oven mits which have been in the same place all his life, and then get out the hot pan was HILARIOUS.
The exact same way with Bacon
The exact same way with Bacon (sd10)!!! DH and BM have done everything short of helping her in the bathroom!! Flipping ridiculous isnt it?! Im not real sure if they relize that the prisons today are full of little shit heads whos parents cottled, catered to them, and didnt prepare them for functioning in the world but of well... not our problem right?!
Thanks for the article links.
Thanks for the article links. I find I'm more the Authoratative parent to my own son. Wish I could have that same influence over SS. But I know in the long run, my son will be better off for it in the long run, regarding school, jobs, social interaction, etc.
You end up in a similar
You end up in a similar situation as mine. SS, 22, still lives at home, has no education, no GED, no ambitions beyond being a rock star and an occasional under the table job that he can never use as a reference.
And SD who works part-time and goes to community college part-time. She is too busy being a groupie to commit to anything full-time.
I think BM doesn't want to be alone. She has enabled SS'S fantasies as to not hurt his feelings and handicapped him by allowing him to drop out of school. The only encouragement for getting a GED and a plan is from DH'S end.
SD, 19 is BM'S prize child. There's no reason to learn money management because that's what DH is for. There's no reason to push and encourage; she's an artist and needs to find her way.
I'm sorry if I sound negative. I just think it is SO sad. And I know that most likely, both of them will be financially dependent (or broke) for many years to come. And when parenting is about meeting your needs and not your kid's, well that makes me even sadder.
Did my BM clone herself???
Did my BM clone herself??? Seriouly, the Girhippo reads from the same exact script!!
Based on your description,
Based on your description, they could be sisters.
I honestly do not know if BM
I honestly do not know if BM didn't teach SS30 any life skills or not. I was not around then. I do know that DH tried. So maybe BM tried also. But you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
SS30 has excellent manners and can be very charming. But he is an alcoholic with violence issues. His "life skills" allow him to manipulate people until he shows his violent tendencies.
Some moms are really wrapped
Some moms are really wrapped up in just being their kids friends. It's hard to teach a child something when he thinks he's your equal and he knows just as much if not more than you. SS4's mom is like this. She wants to be his bestfriend, she brags to people about how she might not get on to him as much as she should but he's only young once so she wants to baby him for as long as possible. :sick: Disney parents are going to be the end of this world.
Yes, I also think that may be
Yes, I also think that may be the case too. She talks to him about adult stuff, he knows more about the divorce and how his dad "did his mom wrong", than a kid should know. Scary. I'm beginning to think she needs him to need her, or else she feels alone or not worthy, or something like that?
Very common for the immature
Very common for the immature BM to do this. Abdicates parental authority and training, yet gives child adult spousal status. They view their offspring as a still attached part of them rather than a separate individual that needs parental guidance.
When he's not in school, or
When he's not in school, or with us, or with grandparents - he's at her work just sitting and watching tv and/or playing video games; or at their home he does the same thing. There's no going outside or playing outside. His babysitter is the TV and video games. He talks to them as if they are his friends. He has conversations with the video game characters or talks back to the game. He was sleeping in the same bed as her up until about 1 year ago or so. He has his own bed and his own room at her house, but doesn't sleep in there because "there's no tv in it". So he sleeps on the couch cause of the tv in the living room (or sometimes in her bed). Really? All is just so strange to me.
And I've been told by the older son (who moved out), that when he goes over to the house, that SS room is dirty and messy and having to step over stuff to get to other stuff. Obviously she doesn't have him or make him clean up his room or messes. I know for a fact the room here is a pigsty. Sad that he lives like that. Dirty dishes in his room, and he just leaves stuff on the floor and walks past it as if it's not there.
I just finally started closing his door and having DH deal with it all! I worry about bugs or ants getting in there but I have not said anything anymore because of disengaging.
Sorry, I digress. Anyway, it is what it is. I can't control him at his mom's or here at my own home. I feel bad for him, for there is no consistency there or here from either parent.
Exactly. Same here. DH is
Exactly. Same here. DH is like "your son is sooo perfect" but mine (my ss) can't do anything right. Well....no he can't cause no one has taught him. I was a single parent for 10 years before I met DH. He was getting himself up, dressed, and fed by the age of 6. I've told DH plenty of times I feel SS needs to go to a counselor. I honestly also think SS has a mild form of aspbergers (sp?) But DH said he's not taking him to a counselor or putting him on meds. I'm like, not saying they'll put him on meds. But it'll help him, it can't hurt.
We deal with the same thing
We deal with the same thing with SS14, and we are 3 hours apart so he's EOWE. It's really difficult to deal with.