I am letting this out here on Stalk because I can’t IRL. Yesterday I got the news that one of my friends ended his life. He became one of the 22 veterans a day who lose their battle with PTSD. None of the people in my area new him, and I will not impose on his family in this time of darkness. SO never served, and though he is trying to be supportive he has no idea how difficult this is for me.

This is a man who I have shared so much with, we shared laughter, tears and faced down some of our darkest demons together. He was like a brother to me. I still remember wandering around a PX in Germany, post surgery, trying to find a place to eat as we walked along like to 90 year olds because of how much pain we were in. Laughing at all the fu**ed up looks we got. He was an amazing person, one of the goofiest people I know. To hear that his light has been extinguished tears my soul apart. I’ve been down that dark rabbit hole, I’ve come close to choosing the same way out. I was lucky, I got the help I needed. I sometimes still struggle but
I’ve learned new coping mechanisms and I know my own triggers and signs. It took everything I had not to curl up in a ball and cry all day yesterday the only thing that stopped me was that SO had the day off, and he wouldn’t understand. A couple years ago I would have drowned my sorrows in booze and broken furniture, but I know better now.

I can’t help but feel at fault (I understand that’s not logical). We fell out of touch, I got stationed elsewhere, and then we both got out. We drifted apart, I stayed in touch via facebook but about a year ago I deleted my account and lost all contact with many of my old Army buddies. This man who meant so much to me at one time in my life, a person who I spent damn near everyday with, who knew some of my darkest fears and me his and I let him slip out of my life like a gust of wind. Now he is gone. He rests easy now, his nightmares are finally silent.

I’m shocked by how hard this is hitting me, and I can’t imagine what his family is going though. This is the third person I’ve lost to suicide, one a high school friend, the other a platoon mate and now him. Its one of the worst things I have ever gone through and there is nothing I can do about it. Thankfully I am in a place now in my life that this won’t drag me back down that path of self-destruction that it once would have. I know that time will heal my wounds and drowning myself in a bottle will not help at all. The one person in the area that I could reach out to about this, who understands because he has gone through it himself is in no position to help me, bringing this up would cause him to self-destruct.

I am doing my best to honor him by remembering the good times and knowing that he wouldn’t want tears. He would want laughter, and raunchy jokes and stupid pranks. He would want me to live my life better knowing how quickly it can be gone. He would want me to be thankful for the life that I have and to live it with zest. One day I will meet him again, and I will kick him in the a$$ for leaving us so young. You stupid SOB, we loved you, we still do and words can not express how much we all will miss your smile, your laugh your kindness and your ridiculously inappropriate sense of humor. I will always regret not staying in contact with you, and will learn from it. Life is twisted and you never realize how important some is tell they are already gone.

I wrote this in hopes that it would give me some type of relief and peace. Saying this to SO is like talking to a brick wall, he dosen’t get it and he never will. I had to get it out. I don’t want to put it on a forum where his family may read it, they are going through enough right now and I don’t want to remind them of their pain. Suicide is an ugly b!tch that many of us face, only some aren’t fortunate enough to escape her.