The straw that broke the camels back

I'm officially done! I am looking at an apartment for myself and my furbies tomorrow afternoon. A quick background. BM had all of her kids removed from her care. SS14 & SS16 came and lived with us full time. This happened twice. The first time, we came home from work to their empty rooms. BM came and took them back while we were at work. DH went to court and the judge gave BM custody back. Fast forward 8 months, CPS removed them from her care. SS was two weeks away from turning 16 and was busy taking pictures of things like dh's beer in the fridge and any other incriminating evidence to try and prove DH and myself unfit. Then, BM decided to call the cops and have them do a child welfare check. I lost it! We live in a NICE neighbourhood and that really pissed me off. So, DH sent SS16 back to live at bm's as they were just going to keep trying to make our lives hell. Then, BM let ss16 drop out of high school. So, now he's a bum. He doesn't go to school, he doesn't work, he just sits around all day taking up space. Anyhow, since all that, I've told DH that I don't care if ss16 comes for visits but he is NOT to be left in our house alone. He agreed. Well, Saturday night, BM calls DH. I don't know the details of their conversation but I did hear DH say "well you're the parent. He does ol have the mentality of a 12 year old". Next thing I know ss16 is sleeping at hour house until Monday. I guess BM had to go in for surgery (on a Sunday?!?!) and he was supposed to go stay at his friends house but couldn't until Monday. So Monday comes along and I ask DH when SS16 is going to his friends house?!? Ss14 is in school, and me and DH are at work and now ss16 is being a bum UNDER MY ROOF!!!!! Now he's supposedly staying for TWO WEEKS! I told DH that he duped me into letting ss16 stay at home unattended. I feel betrayed, I feel stressed and I feel I've been lied to. This is MY house too and I do NOT want this kid at home with no supervision. It's funny how he can tell BM not to leave him home alone cause he's got the mentality of a 12 year old, but yet, has no problem with him being a bum and left unattended at our home. This is killing me. I drive home on my breaks from work to check and make sure our place isn't being ransacked by BM or ss16. I can't live like this anymore. DH couldn't keep his word to me and I just feel like it's going to keep happening again. He does whatever it takes to keep BM happy and not make any waves with her. I just feel like after 11 years, this entire stepmother thing is not getting any easier and it's only getting worse. DH said that he feels like I'm making him chose between ss16 and me. That is not what I am doing. All I asked is that SS16 not be left alone in our home. Am I asking too much?!? After ss16 running away twice, I feel like a fool setting ss16 up for a third time. I am beyond done. It breaks my heart cause I do love DH. He said it wouldn't happen again, but I've heard that before.

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They will just keep doing

They will just keep doing what you continue to put up with. Your DH obviously has no respect for you or your feelings.

If SS can stay at your house unattended, why can he not stay at BM's? Is she going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks?

My SD (now 24) has never been left in my home alone (and never will), so I don't blame you there!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Are you saying BM enters your

Are you saying BM enters your house while you are not there/ without your permission???

I'm sorry you're having such

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with SS16. I can understand your frustrations. I know first hand how hard it is to live with disrespectful skids, and I don't think it's too much to ask that SS16's visit be supervised.

Having said that, I can sort of see your DH's frustrations as well though. I'm sure it's difficult for him to see the downward spiral his son has taken and he probably feels like his hands are tied. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't sort of thing. Maybe he trusts you to be able to handle it better because you love him and might forgive him for trying to do the best he can with his wayward son and a BM who seems to be trying to wreck his and his children's lives.

I think it's a hard/sad situation all the way around, and I feel for both you and your husband.

Instead of leaving (because it seems like you love him and he loves you), maybe you could stay with a friend for a couple of days or until SS16 goes back to his mother's? Maybe your husband could tell him he needs to be out of the house while no one is home? Maybe your DH can discuss this more with BM and find a different place for SS16 to stay?

I've heard "it won't happen again" several times in my marriage. In fact, I heard it last night. It's hard to accept that because we feel betrayed, and we don't want to feel that way in our marriages. Looking back, I can see that even though my DH makes a lot of mistakes, I know he is constantly trying and that, for the most part, he supports me and tries to do his best to make our family situation better.

Food for thought. I hope it helps. Big hugs!!

If my DH ever said "you are

If my DH ever said "you are making me chose" I'd say "Damn right and you have 30 seconds to make the right choice." But then my SS is not a minor.

Two things that stand out to

Two things that stand out to me. 1. DH told you that it was just until Monday ND then changed to 2 weeks without discussing with you? You and DH had an agreement that HE broke.

2. Like Hereiam said, why does he have to be at your home unattended opposed to BM'S? !

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your responses. I completely agree, I don't know why he can't just stay at bm's while we're all at work. I guess that would involve extra work on "DH"'s part. I just can't win and I'm done with the stressing it all. I feel bad for the way I feel towards ss16, but when he's around, everyone except for ss14 is in a foul mood. Maybe it's just my foul mood rubbing off on everyone else but I honestly can't help it. I'm at a complete loss. I really don't want to leave, but I don't see this getting any better. I told DH, what would happen if BM died? Are you going to take ss16? My parents taught me through tough love. I'm just drained and have nothing left. I shouldn't have to go out and buy a camer to hide in my home. I shouldn't have to cater to bm's life. She disregards us so why the hell should we help her out? After all she's done. She created this monster and she should be the one dealing with him. She left him drop out of high school after DH and I did everything in our power to make him pass grade 9 (or 10, I really don't remember). We sent him to summer school cause he kept skipping class and was failing. DH wouldn't have even done that if I didn't make the phone calls. Now I get to deal with a complete bum living in my house. He should be in school! Or working! But BM makes the decisions and we just live with them. As I type this, I realize that it's always been this way and always will be this way. I can't do it anymore. Please pray that I find the strength to leave. I know that it's a never ending cycle. DH even made a comment two weeks ago about grandkids. FML. It's not over when they turn 18. It's a life long sentence. I have a good job, and no kids. I'm a great package for the right guy. Just not DH. I have so many resentments and I don't know how to move past them. God only knows I've tried.

I'm in Canada and i even called day cares to see if they'd take him. Unfortunately, they don't want him anymore than I do. He could go to bm's dads, aka grandpas, but apparently he's "sick", bull shit!!! Grandpa had no problems driving BM over to our house and moved the kids out when we were at work. He should have no problem watching ss16 now. DH has two sisters that are stay at home moms, ss16 could help them out during the day but DH won't be bothered to ask. He'd rather make me out to be the bad guy. He could go stay at bm's house during the day, but for some reason, that's not an option. Im at the bottom of the totem pole here and I'm sick of it all. I live in a house full of involents. I need to get out. It's been draggin on for years and years and I feel like I'm starting to get the backbone I need to get the hell out of this family and it's constant chaos.