My Grandmother died... he still went out

Hi everyone, it's been a long time. I need to know that I am not just a raging lunatic and nuts. My grandmother had a stroke on Sunday. On Monday I started a super stressful week at work that I knew was coming up. On tuesday while at stressful work my Dad calls to tell me my Grandmother died. I can't leave work so I stuff it down and do what I have to do. When I leave I have a long drive (just for this customer not always) and my husband calls when I am on my way home and I didn't want to talk about it then, for obvious distracted reasons. Tuesday is his night to go out with SD to dinner. I guess I knew he would just go anyway but I hoped he wouldn't. On top of grief I have to tell my oldest and OUR youngest that Grandma died. It is the first time the youngest ever had to deal with death. Guess who thought Max and Erma's and Costco was more important that all that? My husband. Wednesday he gets me a card - I wanted to stuff it down his throat. He doesn't get why I am angry. He thinks he did try to talk to me (on the car ride home) and that he did support me (he got me a card). I am just so angry that he prioritized me BELOW Max and Ermas, Costco, SD and a basketball game again. And this time I am not mad at him (I am but not completely) I am mad at me. How could I have ever thought this was all I deserved? Why didn't I understand that I am worth more than a burger. My Grandmother would not want this for me. When I said to him "Would this be good enough for your daughter? Your Mom dies and that night her husband goes out for any reason and leaves her alone to tell the kids? No support, she has to be strong for everyone else with no one behind her?" He has no answer for that. He thinks he is a prince and did try. I am doubting my own sanity. Would any of you also be upset?

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So sorry for your loss. Just

So sorry for your loss. Just to let you know, you have your step kids names in your post.

I too would want the support of my husband when I got home from work.

Oh, sorry, I did not know.

Oh, sorry, I did not know. Never heard of it.

thanks, Max and Erma's is a

thanks, Max and Erma's is a restaurant.

hmmm- are you in my state???

Oh, and I am sorry for your loss. I just lost my gram last month...

your man is a dick

Haha! Well, stop naming

Haha! Well, stop naming restaurants, then!

I am so very sorry for your

I am so very sorry for your loss.

You absolutely deserve to have your husband's support at a time like this.

I lost both of my grandmothers in 2015, one just before Christmas. It really helps to have a spouse that is truly there for you.

they totally do - my DH was

they totally do - my DH was AWESOME when my Gram died...

I love Dragon Tales! When my

I love Dragon Tales! When my niece was little we watched it every day after preschool.

Your DH would not be getting

Your DH would not be getting a get-out-of-jail-free card from me.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Thanks everyone. My husband,

Thanks everyone. My husband, when someone matters to him, does know better. When SD's dog died he ran right to her side. Glad to know my Grandmother ranks below a dog to him.

did u tell him this (about

did u tell him this (about the dog vs g-mom)? i totally would have...

so sorry for your loss.

ETA - many men are dense at times and need for things to be spelled out in black-and-white, and THEN have a illustrative comparison, before they finally 'get' why we feel how we feel. i do that with dh, either using previous examples or an "imagine if" scenario.

Not just your grandmother,

Not just your grandmother, but YOU. You and your feelings do not matter to him. That's the problem.

And of course he knows better. The "he's a man" is a bunch of bull.

I'd have told him what I

I'd have told him what I wanted from him.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss.

This after-the-fact unmet-expectations and recriminations is passive-aggressive BS. You didn't ask for what you wanted or needed and now you're angry and hurt that he didn't guess that you wanted or needed something. In fact, you blew him off when you guys talked on your drive home. Own your shit, be direct and honest. If you still get hurt and angry, then at least it'll be genuine and based on how you two interact, not on your fears.

Here's a sample conversation started for tonight:

DH, I'm sorry. I should have told you that I wanted you to cancel going out with SD to stay home and ply me with wine and cuddles. I didn't say anything because I know you love your time with SD and I didn't want to interfere. I can see how that might be confusing, because I did want you to think I might need or want your support and I wanted you to take the initiative to cancel your other plans to be there for me. And I know I acted like I didn't want to talk about it. I was afraid to tell you that I really wanted you to comfort me in case you didn't want to. But since I didn't tell you, you didn't know I wanted you to, and you couldn't possibly guess that I still felt rejected, even though I didn't even give you a chance to meet my needs.

So I'm sorry. Will you forgive me and comfort me now?

Are you Serious? Damn I guess

Are you Serious?

Damn I guess I am lucky my SO would not need me to write it in neon letters that I need him at a time like this.

I agree with telling men exactly what you need. But this is kind of a given that you need him there.

1. That's not neon letters.

1. That's not neon letters. That's communication. Lots of people communicate without resorting to codes so secret the other person fails to decipher them correctly. I guess for those who prefer telepathy, this must seem like neon letters.

2. Why is it a given? I don't know how I will react when my mom dies (all grandparents already deceased so not a good example). I know when one cat died I sobbed for days. A few months later his twin sister died and I felt so surprised (and guilty) when I didn't cry at all. So unless there is some handbook out there that categorically states that all people need exactly ABC support in DEF way at GHI time from the person playing JKL role in their lives for each person in their life, well, nothing's a given.

There *used* to be a similar guide, but that was for mourning, and gave guidelines for colours, length of mourning, and acceptable social activities during mourning for the bereaved, not for the people the bereaved is expecting support from.

So sorry for your loss. Have

So sorry for your loss.

Have you tried explaining to him that you needed him and he wasn't there? Ask him if he'd had plans with you and SD called because someone close to her had died would he still go out with you? Or would he go be with SD and expect you to understand?

If the answer is yes, he would cancel plans with you to go to SD then ask why he doesn't give you the same consideration. Chances are he would expect you to understand and be an adult about it. Sadly, it sounds like he doesn't expect the same from his daughter.

The two of you need to have a serious conversation about this and find out from him exactly where you stand. Then accept it or walk away. You aren't going to change him and getting upset isn't going to help.

He obviously does know what

He obviously does know what it means to be there for someone when a loved one dies. He did it for SD.

I think he is a total ass for this and you definitely need to talk to him about this and no way shape or form would he get a pass.

SO would know better than that, even if I didn't tell him he would know to cancel his plans and be there for me. As I would also do that for him.

A CARD???????? A freaking

A CARD???????? A freaking card?

OMG - I've done more for a neighbor that I barely know.

I would feel exactly the

I would feel exactly the same... oh wait, I DO feel exactly the same. Sometimes I wonder if this is all I will get too. It's hard being with a man who has kids.We have to come last behind everything and everyone. The kids come first, then life revolves around the ex, then he is so tired from them that he has to go play golf or watch sport to feel better, and only THEN we get him. And this goes for big issues when we really need him like death of a loved one. You are right. It is NOT fair. We DO deserve better. you DO deserve better. I wish I could help, but I am still working this out also... All I can say is, you aren't alone in this. xoxo