Narcissistic ex turning kids agsinst me
Divorced my ex 5 years ago. Have two kids who are now 18 and 15. I took them every weekend to my flat and extra when non term time.i went into a relationship and to keep the peace i sometimes looked after my kids and exes dog in her house for a few days till she went on a vacation. But now i have a new baby with new girlfriend 70 miles away i told ex this wasnt happening anymore. The kids were visiting me sometimes in new girls house and i visited them in their own town but now ex isnt getting her way my kids refused to come to our christening in new girls town and now they have refused to meet me in their town to go to their aunts or grannys and they say i dont care. Ex has taken it to solicitor so i got ine to defend myself. Am i being unreasonable stating i will no longer leave my child for say 5 days to mind my kids and her dog in her house.think because i no longer am giving in to exes demands shes turning kids against me.my daughter is 18 and is an adult and my son is 15. Am annoyed they have taken exes side as ive been good to them but they live with her and are being brainwashed by her i think.
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He already said they won't
He already said they won't meet him in their town either.
No, it is their SOMETIMES. He
No, it is their SOMETIMES. He saw them in BM's home during EXTRA time, not his normal time.
Good point but i think the ex
Good point but i think the ex is controlling and wants her own way. She has to accept kids are mostly grown up now and its not feasable for me to leave my new child and girlfriend for 5 days or bring them with me as my new girlfriend has a young child at school yes i should have stopped it earlier but circumstances have changed. I think kids should spend whatever time they can with me now and not say no when i arrange to travel 70 miles to their town to see them but ive made it clear it wont be in my exes anymore as she will give me a hard time it will be in their aunties or grannys or with me for a meal or cinema and when they came to new girlfriends we paid their busfares and food and let them stay for several days and they got on well with new girlfriend. But i think ex is turning them against me and her which she shouldnt be doing to get her own way
If i give in to ex for sake
If i give in to ex for sake of kids then ill always be at her beck and call. Have to make a stand sometime.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from; however, life changes. These children are old enough to have an adult discussion about how they feel. How much to we need childrens' approval? Must we ask permission before we have a child with someone we love?
I'm genuinely interested....I love DH (newly married) and my skids (SD15 and SD12 we see the most and live in our town). We have a great relationship and someday (not in the next year at least) I would like to have a child of my own with DH. I may mention our wants to the kids, but I don't feel like I have to ask their permission.
Nonono. Read again. He took
Nonono. Read again. He took them to his flat and then SOMETIMES watched them at BM's when she was out of town. Now he won't stay at BM's and the kids won't visit. He shouldn't be forced to house sit just to see his kids no matter whether he's done it in the past.
As far as I can see, the op
As far as I can see, the op didn’t always go and see his children in their house. He says they came to his house on the weekend. And sometimes he would watch the exe’s house.
So what do you mean there life is now turned upside down? They can still see him at his house, just like they used to do.
Sorry, I can see now this was
Sorry, I can see now this was already said.
So kids don't need to
So kids don't need to understand that they will have to go along with life changes?? Things change. If dad was a ceo living in a mini mansion then lost his job and had to move into a 2 bedroom apartment would it still be his fault because that was the life the kids were used to?? The norm isn't forever.
This had to happen sometime.
This had to happen sometime. You were accommodating long enough, and they are now not small children. The bm should have no say in how your visitation with the kids happen. One is a legal adult and the other is a teenager. Unless there one or both has a special needs (I am being serious and not derogatory) then you should be able to have a conversation conveying how you would like to go forward.
You did nothing wrong my moving forward, and should certainly not be punished by having accommodated them thus far. Staying at her home is out of the question. Now that you have a new wife, it is not a question. Your children are not toddlers who have rituals and routines at their moms that would wreak havoc if not followed. No these are a grown adult and a teenager. I am sure they spend the night at friends homes, and so certainly can spend the night with you or at the house of your family.
Please realize that it is not fair to your new child for your ex and hers wants (staying at her home and pas'ing the kids) to come between your wife and you. I had a great therapist tell me that I cannot control BMs actions. If she is going to poison them against me and try to drive a wedge between me and my dh, then I can do nothing about it. What I can do and did is control my actions and control what was happening in my marriage. That meant asking my husband to delete any unneccisary and not kid related conversation from happening with his ex. I was doing what was necessary for myself and our family.
You need to do the same, you need to create a new more adult relationship (as one is and one is fast approaching adulthood) with your children independent of bm. They will be independent and be building their own life independent of their mother very soon if they haven't already.
Oh, and another thing. I used
Oh, and another thing. I used to visit my children at their fathers house as well, as in stay at his home. My husband was fine with it at first, but as soon as my husband started having an issue with it, and it would have caused problems within my marriage and it would have caused another broken family, I stopped.
Don't expect your 1st family
Don't expect your 1st family to be excited and supportive of your second family. The kids probably didn't want to go to the baby's christening. They may not be thrilled about the new sibling that's "taking all of daddy's attention." The last thing most teens care about is a new baby; especially one they may feel is replacing them.
You changed everything. You abruptly changed the way you visit them and you gave them a sibling that they will likely never really bond with due to the age differences. You're saying the reason you can't do the usual visit with them is because of the new baby; of course they will resent that. You're blaming the ex for your kids behavior when you're the one that changed the circumstances.
Things needed to change and now you and ALL of your children will have to find a new normal. Good luck with that
The texts i send about
The texts i send about meeting up in their town are replied back from my ex or shes telling them what to write and first they made excuses and then said they didnt want to meet me in their town as they wanted to talk. I said their aunts will go out for an hour and they still refused. Ex has them brainwashed into holding out for me to meet them in her house as she thinks she can lay down her demands again.
Can you go to their sports
Can you go to their sports games or extracurriculars, someplace where you do not have to be near your ex. Perhaps something you can bring your wife to and your baby to?
You really need to check out a website called Shink4men.com. It is a website for men in your predicament.
I am curious as to what her demands are.
Absolutely 100% Monkey!!
Absolutely 100% Monkey!! Agree with you absolutely!!!!
Your new wife and child are your #1 responsibility now. Take care of and proect them. Your kids are 18 & 15. Old enough to take care of themselves..also old enough to think with their feet according to any judge. If they refuse to visit you cannot force them - but leave that door open 'cos one day (hopefully), they'll come to their senses.
Do not allow your ex to manipulate or control you - if you focus on keeping her and your kids happy - you will sacrifice the happiness of your new wife and child. Focus on them and let BM do whatever the hell she wants now 'cos she cannot influence you in any way.
Let your kids know that your door is open and you will welcome them with open arms when they decide to visit..and they must be respectful to your new wife.. treat her like they would a teacher and hopefully, things will all work out.
Don't worry about anybody telling you, you created a mess. You did it to keep the peace and had good intentions. That's changed and everyone has to adapt - that's life.
I know i should have stood up
I know i should have stood up to ex earlier but at first i was single so took kids to my flat mostly weekends and did the odd few days in hers when she went away. But now i have a serious relationship and new baby 70 miles away my new girl wouldnt be happy if i went to my exes for 5 days and minded kids and her dog for her vacation and left her and young baby.kids live with ex so are hearing everyday prob that i dont care for them. But after listening to ex they stopped visiting me in new town for stayovers and have refused to meet me in their town to go to their aunts/grannys as they have been brainwashed to hold out for me coming to exes again to see them. Its not happening as ex would give me hell and lay down her demands.and kids told me i dont care now!whos not making the effort?
dup
dup
Stop defending yourself
Stop defending yourself against this mate. You did what you had to do at the beginning. Many men do this - and they do it to keep the peace and to keep the kids happy. Many don't even realise that what they're actually doing is SACRIFICING their own happiness while doing this! Everything goes the way the BM wants..what about what YOU want? Men only wake up when they form new relationships and the new partner starts asking questions..such as "why are you spending so much time with yuor ex?". The easy answer would be "because I didn't know any better".
So - don't feel guilty over this - you did the best you could given the circumstances. It only worked out because it made BM and the kids happy - forget about YOU being happy! Now you've met a new girlfriend/wife/partner and have a new child - you need to focus on them. If you kept feeling guilty, your new relationshp will start to suffer. There is NO REASON to feel guilty!!
Your kids are 18 & 15. Old enough to understand the way things are. They need to learn to accept your new relationship and respect your choice with your new partner. If they don't - well, time will hopefully fix this. Keep the lines of communication open with them and hope that they come to their senses one day.
This is NOT on you! You did the best you could and you should be damn proud of that!!! Do NOT feel guilty! You are happy now - enjoy it and live your life in peace.
Hes free to choose himself
Hes free to choose himself when over 12 i think. Hes 16 in august so considered an adult then
My solicitor says at 16 child
My solicitor says at 16 child is considered an adult and can choose for themselves
Thing is i now have been
Thing is i now have been contacting my kids without going through bm. Asking them to come to my babys christening and then staying in my girlfriends for several days. Then i asked them to meet me in their aunts for overnight stay but they have refused everything. I think their bm is controlling what they text back to me and is brainwashing them against me. She only wants me to see them in her house for a few hours at the start but she would give me hell if i went there and demand i babysit the kids and her dog when she goes away for 5 days to a week. For this reason i have refused to go near bm house but have told kids i still want to see them but its pointless as bm reads all texts i send to kids i think.and kids are saying i dont care!