SD24 in jail
What would you do?
SD24 got into a fight with her boyfriend over the weekend and slapped him. She then called the police to ask for help on trying to get her bf out of their apartment. When they heard she slapped him, they arrested her. She spend 2 days in jail until she could go before a judge and get bond. She is now in a hotel until she goes back to court again next week because there is an order of protection for her boyfriend against her.
SD24 called BM for help, and of course she contacted DH. DH told BM that SD could rot in jail and that was the end of it. He never even told me about it. I found out from SD24 herself when she told me she got some mail I forwarded to her.
SD24 has tried to use the police to settle disputes in the past. She called the police against DH when she turned 18 and bit DH and drew blood, which is how I ended up on this site. They simply told us she was a spoiled brat and to keep our distance for a while. Last year SDthen23 called the police on BM when BM kicked her out of the house. They gave her a place to stay and gave her options on how to take BM to court to get back in "her" house. BM let her back a week later.
I wonder if DH is refusing to help because she uses the police too much? I have to wonder what I would do if my boys were the boyfriend involved. I would try to help, I would think. DH is outright refusing to help, and I don't know if he wants her to learn a lesson or if he's being oddly cold about this. SD and the boyfriend are so regretful over what happened.
DH and I have had a DV incident in the past, and we came out stronger because we went to counseling and learned to communicate better. We're still together, so I'm not about to judge SD24 for staying with her boyfriend after this. BM said that she will only help if they break up, but that's up to SD to figure out.
I'm still in shock...not sure how out of control SD24 really is (or isn't). Not sure if DH's reaction is normal or not. Crazy...
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I wasn't sure if DH was a bit
I wasn't sure if DH was a bit cold or not.
Do you think BM is enabling SD24 to continue with abusive behavior?
SD24 is the one who called the police. So she basically got herself arrested by calling them and telling them she slapped her BF during their fight. Doh!
DH is doing the right thing.
DH is doing the right thing. She needs to learn.
LOL! I'm not going to tell
LOL!
I'm not going to tell him that I know. If he wants to talk to me, that's fine. If not, it doesn't really matter.
I have to wonder though...on Sunday, he was in a horrible mood. I wonder if this is why. Same old communication issues here...
Agree.
Agree.
YUp....he deserves a old ol'
YUp....he deserves a old ol' BJ for letting her learn her lesson.
He got a really good one last
He got a really good one last night...maybe he can have another one tonight, if he's nice to me.
It would be best if she were
It would be best if she were required to go through some sort of counseling. Can spending 2 days in jail be enough to straighten her out?
My DH and I went to counseling on our own to show that we were proactive about our relationship and didn't expect it to ever happen again. DH has very much been in control of himself since that scare, almost 6 years ago.
He wouldn't. I meant more if
He wouldn't. I meant more if it was part of deal to drop charges.
DH and I had only been
DH and I had only been together a few months (not yet married) when SS30 was arrested for beating up an elderly man who had looked at him wrong. SS never called but his ho-bag GF called every 3 hours for days begging us to pay the $350 fine so he could get out of jail.
I was so proud of DH for not giving in. SS has a long history of domestic and other violence. No reason for him to be bailed out. Do the crime - do the time. DH would NEVER have gotten 5 cents of that money back no matter how much they promised that they'd pay it off next pay day.
My only regret was that SS only had to serve 10 days.
You don't need to DO
You don't need to DO anything. Some adult screw up got arrested; it's nothing to do with you.
Unless... you feel like buying a bottle of bubbly and rocking your DH's world tonight, you know, just because
What would I do? I would be
What would I do? I would be glad that DH is letting her deal with her own stupidity. She got herself thrown in jail, she's 24 years old.
What do you think you should do?
Not me. Not my kid, and
Not me. Not my kid, and she's not asking me for help anyway.
Just as a parent...this is the first time she was arrested. Is it cold of DH to "let her rot" or help her with bond/court fees one time.
Really, the way you phrased
Really, the way you phrased your question is exactly why, if she was my kid, I would not intervene to make things easier for her.
"...this is the first time she was arrested" makes me think you expect that this won't be her last time.
Hmm. I guess if she learns
Hmm. I guess if she learns her lesson this time, then I don't think she will get arrested again, unless for possibly a dwi or something that doesn't take much to get in trouble for. Not that she's an alcoholic, but she does like to party.
She slapped her boyfriend, so if she doesn't learn from this, I can imagine she could do it again and potentially get in trouble again. I can't imagine ever slapping DH. No matter what we've gone through, the thought has never occurred to me.
Oh, okay, I gotcha. Well, my
Oh, okay, I gotcha.
Well, my sister got a DUI when she was about 17 and my dad let her sit in jail. Her stupidity, her problem.
Personally, I think it's better than enabling them. Obviously, she didn't rot.
Your H's reaction is awesome.
Your H's reaction is awesome. He didn't mention it to you because he feels it's a non-issue and nothing for you to be concerned about. You are a lucky, lucky lady. Follow your H's lead, do nothing.
Your shit stirring SD24 had her ass handed to her for lying. You make bad choices, you pay the consequences.
I would be more worried if your H was running to her rescue, even though she was the one who caused the problems.
Count your blessings you H isn't caught up in Disney Dad Drama.
I'm not upset he didn't tell
I'm not upset he didn't tell me...I'm only upset if he was taking out any anger on me, but I don't think so in this case.
I'm not sure what he could do anyway. Her bond was $80, so if he wanted to send it, I would't have been upset. More than that I think would be too much...she has to pay the price for what happened.
I just wasn't sure if a bio parent would have been as "cold" as him. Maybe somewhere between him and BM. BM is even paying for whatever happens to be expunged.
Hopefully this will make you
Hopefully this will make you feel better.
My older sister once landed her dumb ass in jail when she was thirty-one.
She had a DUII, missed her court hearing, had a bench warrant put out for her and then was arrested for driving with a suspended license.
Off to jail she went.
She had been MIA for a few years. Checking in here and there. My parents offered to take her in and help straighten out her life, she told them to eff off.
This jail event coincided with our youngest sister's wedding. My older sister expected my parents to drop everything, fly to another state and bail her out of jail.
They told her no. They said she would have to figure things out for herself. She made the choice to break the law, she would have to deal with the consequences of her choices.
When asked why she wasn't attending, my parents and I (we were the only ones that were aware of her circumstances) simply said she was unable to get away.
Your H is not being cold. He's being incredibly smart by sending this message to his kid. You make a bad choice, you pay the consequences.
This is how parenting should be. Bailing your kids out of their poor choices means they'll never learn to take responsibility for their actions.
Next time, maybe she'll be a little wiser.
I guess my own experience is
I guess my own experience is what makes me wonder if DH is cold.
When I was 23, I had a DUI. My mother was at home dying, and my father and I were the ones caring for her. I didn't live at home, but I worked from there one day a week so I could help out. When I did go out with friends, I felt guilty for enjoying myself while my mother was withering away. One night I had WAY too much to drink, and freaked out. I remembering handing my car keys to my friend, and the next thing I know I'm looking in my rear view mirror seeing police lights.
I was able to bail myself out because I shockingly happened to have my checkbook in my laptop bag (and only spent a few hours in the cell), but I had a nervous breakdown shortly thereafter and ended up in the hospital. I was speeding at the time too, so I was in a lot of trouble. My father hired a criminal attorney for me, so he did help me out. A lot.
Was my father bad for helping out when I made a mistake? I was so upset over what I did that I never allowed any family members to join me at court (and I had to go to court probably half a dozen times before it finally ended)
I never so much as had a speeding ticket since. I'm not sure my outcome would have been much different if my father hadn't helped me out. I would have been more in debt, and my record probably would not have been expunged, but I most likely would have had the same punishment as a first time offender.
I still learned a lesson at the time. Does stress make it more acceptable, or should I have not been helped?
In SD's case, BM paid 6 month's worth of SD's rent, BM cosigned for SD's new car, BM is fronting SD's grad school tuition, now BM is paying for SD's bond and attorney fees. I was completely independent at the time of the arrest, and my brother told me that at least my dad felt like he could actually do something for me instead of helplessly watching my mother die.
You sound like a vastly
You sound like a vastly different 23 year old than this girl. You were not only independent, you were a loving daughter and were actually HELPING on top of that.
It's not the "under stress" that makes the difference; it's the track record of character, responsibility and giving back that does.
Completely different
Completely different situation.
My sister didn't oopsie, have one extra drink.
She was a meth user.
Your SD is a shit-stirring, immature, little girl looking for trouble.
You were one of your mother's caregivers, completely understandable why your dad bailed you out.
True...when you think of
True...when you think of fathers and daughters, you think of the jokes about a father being very protective. DH would occasionally post things about setting SD's boyfriend straight when she was younger. When she got older and we got to meet her boyfriends, it became the opposite. DH would tell me that it won't last because SD doesn't treat her boyfriends well, and they won't put up with her crap forever. That was probably happening in this situation, but then seeing SD get hauled off saved their relationship for a few more months.
Yeah, SD isn't exactly an angel...she moved to CO to legally smoke pot. Priorities...
Jail is there to teach
Jail is there to teach citizens what they failed to learn from their parents. Dad was right on to let the system teach her. Plus, after what she's done to her parents? Yeah, damn girl, learn your behavior has consequences!
Firstly, no - your DH is not
Firstly, no - your DH is not being cold. He is being a responsible parent and teaching her an important lesson. You get yourself into trouble - you sort it out yourself and pay the consequences. He is teaching her to get herself out of shit and not rely on him to do it. She is 24 - old enough to know and learn from this.
This seems to be the lesson she needs to learn. Sometimes, as parents, we need to be cruel to be kind. Now she'll know that if she ever ends up in jail, nobody will help her, except herself. This will help her mature and learn how to treat others.
I, also, reckon your DH needs to have some extra lovin' for this - the man handled this absolutely perfectly!!
I was a li'l shit from 15 years old. I also got into trouble at the age of 19 when I began mixing with the wrong crowd and found myself in a cell overnight. That scared the livin' crap outta me!! Nobody came to bail me out - the judge gave me a lecture that I've never forgotten and I firmly believe that this helped me realise that only I could help myself be more responsible for my actions...and that was a harsh but one helluva lesson.
LOL, I don't care if he had
LOL, I don't care if he had paid the bond. I think that's the most he would do. It was only $80, so just pocket-change really.
I'm laughing because he would NEVER move SD in. Not only does she live on the other side of the country, but even before she moved, she asked if she could stay with us for 2 nights last year. He said no. DH and I have been together for 9 1/2 years, and SD has spent the night once when she was 15.