Expectations Raising Stepson?

Hello Everyone

My frustrations with my husband has led me to this site: venting for stepparents. Besides venting, I would appreciate some advice on my situation.

My husband and I have been married for a year, together for 2 years. I have a 5 year old daughter and I have sole custody of her. My ex husband is absolutely irresponsible and I am happy not to have his destructive and childish influence in my daughter life. He pays no CS, doesn't see her... I am able to take care of my child on my own and we are better for it. This is a blog for another day!

My husband has a 7 year old son. This is source of our current fighting. My husband has shared custody of his son, is the NCP and gets his son every second weekend as per the custody arrangement. His relationship with his ex wife is weird: they fight and argue and he often just gives in to her demands. Where it comes to issues solely relating to his son, I back off. It's their child and they are the parents and free to raise their child as they see fit. My stepson is autistic and has special needs- still he is the responsibility of his parents.

Right in the beginning, when we got to together, I took one look and how he and his ex wife parented and the dynamic with their child. Pure la la land indulgent nonsense. No thanks, I was not getting involved in that mess. Where I would be a natural care giver to a child in my home - no different to friends or nieces and nephews who were in my home- when my stepson came for weekends, I would treat him the same. I was not going to establish any sort of "parental" bond with the child.

For two years my husband and I have cared for each other's children. However, matters of discipline, buying things, decision making was completely separated. This started when I started dating my husband. His ex wife was incredibly controlling, dictating how things needed to be, making demands on what I needed to do and where my own child fitted into the equation. No thank you. To solve this I left my husband to take care of all matters with his ex wife and child. I did not need to be part of it.

The problem now is that my husband wants more time with his son. His ex wife is feeling a bit overwhelmed with all her child care duties and wants to split the custody 50/50. I say great! Go for it. It also means my husband has more time with his son. (Or so I thought)

No! It means I have more time with his son. He expects me to modify my schedule to accommodate his son, such as school runs, homework etc. this was not our agreement. He does not parent my daughter, and I am not parenting his son. His ex wife thinks that he and I need be more involved with my stepson because she isn't coping. (She is remarried and just had a new baby.)

What gets me is before I was the horrible Stepmom who needed to stay away from her kid. My influence was unwelcome. Now when she has he own domestic problems (new baby and a straying husband) I need to pick up her slack on a badly patented autistic child. More time with Dad is just that: more time with Dad. He needs to buck up or stick to the court order. I do not want to get involved in issues with his child.

Right or wrong? Advice from outsiders to this in a step parenting situation is appreciated!

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He is their child, their

He is their child, their responsibility. If your husband can't handle 50/50, then he shouldn't do it. He should not expect you to pick up his slack and the ex-wife certainly has NO say in your involvement (yes, we suddenly become wonderful step moms when it's convenient to the BMs, don't we?).

You are not wrong.

^^This.

This is my situation! I was

This is my situation! I was unwanted before. Now she is having difficulty with her new baby and a cheating husband.
It's easier to send the kid to stepmother. Problem is I have not changed, my unwanted thoughts on parenting HER son are still there...
It's only because she needs help that I become an easy target.

My favorite response when

My favorite response when someone makes a stupid demand is "no thank you."

you are right right

you are right right right!!!!!!!!! You really sound like you know what you're doing. Stick to your guns!!!!!!!!

Lol! I have no idea what I am

Lol! I have no idea what I am doing. This is why I found this place.

I knew at the start my

I knew at the start my stepson was special needs. The problem in the beginning was that both his parents have some fantasy idea of how to parent that I do not agree with. There is no structure for him, no discipline, no routine, no real concept of what a special needs child requires. I could not tell them how to parent their child, as it was their choice. Fine with me.

My husband struggles with his son. I have more patience with the child than he does. However I don't have the knowledge or capacity to look after a special needs child on a 50/50 basis - especially where I don't agree with the parenting style.

My input was not welcome by his mother. I don't think it fair now (to me or my stepson) to have the split households where my husband gets annoyed or impatient with his son. This is wrong. He either commits to his son and takes care of him with minimal help from me or he does not. He is arguing that because my daughter is so easy, I could help with his son. Wrong answer! He has an ex wife.

I feel sorry for the boy as both his parents are idiots when it comes to his needs but Don't want help or guidance: both just want to palm off this kid on someone else. His mom now is shoving the kid on the dad, dad thinks I am a mother and can take care of his son.

Thank you for this. It is

Thank you for this. It is hard because my husband does use the lack of trouble caused by my daughter as a gap for me to parent his son.

We have my daughter full time because her father is not a responsible person and can't bother to care about her. That is his problem and my situation. It existed before we married.

I also made it clear to him early on that for a healthy relationship between us as we have different parenting styles, we stick to our own kids. He indulges, coddles, plays good guy and best friend all the time! It's not what kids need in my opinion.

I can not step into a role that he is required to play for his son. It is not my child and I have no say over his parenting - I must just be care giver.

It's not going to work and I can see the pitfalls leading to arguments already!

I think it is incredibly

I think it is incredibly selfish of your husband to think that you are automatically going to pick up his slack. This is a decision that you two must discuss and agree on together. If he can't manage more parental duties then he shouldn't expect you to do it. I help dh because we agreed I could do it but as my own kids are getting bigger, I see how difficult it is and soon dh and I are going to have to have a conversation as well.

I hate that shit.

You're absolutely right, it's not your job. Your DH needs to step up or say "nope, sticking to CO" and leave it at that.