Please help- extra curriculars
Back story:
Hex offered to switch DHs Monday night to Tuesday night as she wanted to sign SD up for a youth choir group (not affiliated with the school, but our city). Hex told us there would be a performance "around once a month" and practice every Monday so she would take SD to practice. The way DH tells it, eons ago hex used to play piano and sing. She was in an adult group chorus in our city. Probably got kicked out for telling the piano player to shut up, who knows. Or killed someone with her singing. Anyways, SD has always sang with her mom and loves to attempt the high pitch note on "Let it go" which makes DD scream loudly.
Today was SDs first practice. She auditioned weeks ago and had a uniform fitting last week. Hex calls and says there are a lot more performances than she imagined and texts us the schedule.
Essentially, every weekend we have SD we will be driving somewhere in the metroplex for her to sing until April. Including the weekend of sept 19th where we are attending the classic car show in DHs Hupmobile. We just told hex we have family plans.
Hex is saying she just got the schedule, she really really had no idea how time consuming it would be!
We fell right into it. Right into her trap. SD has already gone to the first practice and is happily singing along. In fact, when hex called us to tell us about all the performance schedule SD was right there next to her. We didn't realize it until halfway through the conversation.
So now we are stuck. No idea what to do. Hex told us if we are not willing to commit then she has to pull SD out of the choir. And then cue us being the bad guys to SD. Which happened with Easter, and everything else. Never f*** ing fails.
So do we honor this commitment and spend our next several months doing this? Do we tell hex "sorry" and face her wrath?? We fell RIGHT into this. Sucked us right in. WWYD? we have the custody trial in 2 months. If he says no, will that affect the outcome?
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New email to DH from hex: "I
New email to DH from hex:
"I looks like the time commitment is minimal on the 19th. An hour in downtown - is that really such a big deal? I don't know what your family plans are – would your family not enjoy listening to SD perform?"
Reading most of that I was
Reading most of that I was thinking 'meh, F BM, she cannot dictate your guys time.' But then at the end when you mention custody trial... ugh. I get it, SO has to play nice and "cooperate" for the sake of court at the moment...
My son plays representative soccer, it's a BIG deal, but we've missed a game day, we took the kids on a snow trip, I told the coach it was something planned months ago (before rep soccer) he was sweet with it, said "hey, experiences of ALL kinds are important for kids".
Two options, contact the singing people directly and let them know that you guys have a prior commitment and SD wont be there on X date. Or tell BM and let her deal with it. For court sake, show some compromise, but also don't let it take over your lives
Sounds like DH didn't look to
Sounds like DH didn't look to closely at the singing commitment. Buyer Beware. Research is good. Carfax and personal mechanics are our friends. LOL and being a smart-ass since I've had the GoodGuys show in Loveland, CO on my calendar for a year!
Perhaps you can bow-out of one performance, but otherwise, I think DH signed on for you to drive hither and yon for achingly desperate hours for the next 8 months. This is no one hour concert. It's a 3 hour event without considering travel time. Actually it may be more with the racing back to the house for the forgotten music folio or bow-tie. So sorry.
Kudos to BM. She designed DH
Kudos to BM. She designed DH and you to be the chauffeurs and resident cheerleading squad. Signed, sealed, delivered. Gotta give her credit. She may not be that smart, but dang, that is a powerful swoop.
Exactly! Chef allowed the
Exactly! Chef allowed the Girhippo to have us dancing on strings when she signed them up for everything under the sun without consulting us.
It's a win/win for the PASing BM:
1. Can look like she's "doing this for the children." (TM)
2. Takes bonding time away from dad and SM by having skids kicking around a ball instead
3. Can control biodad and SM from afar by having them act as skid taxi all weekend long
4. BM can attend games and tell everyone there that biodad and SM are eeeevillll ogres!!
I'm actually surprised
I'm actually surprised practices are only Mondays. My GS did the boy's youth choir in his city. He really enjoyed it. However practices were three days a week, Monday afternoon from 3:30-5:00, Thursday from 5:00-6:30 and Saturday mornings from 9:00-11:00. They did three main concerts a year. Fall, Christmas and Spring on Sunday afternoons. Also performed 'about once a month' (LOL
) most months. Example, they did the downtown Christmas Open House, something in October and in November and February.
The annual fund raiser was a fruit sale which was effort and time for sales and delivery. There were two trips a year for the kids. One week choir camp which was out of state and kind of pricey (kids rode together on bus for travel) and a second weekend trip to St Louis and a ballgame which was some cost but mostly their reward for the fruit fund raiser.
I've no idea what all your SD's group will entail, just telling you what all my GS's experience was so you're aware there may be more surprises BM hasn't disclosed to you yet. It was great for GS but it did take commitment and involved evenings, weekends and even summertime.
I'd spin it back on BM. "BM,
I'd spin it back on BM.
"BM, you originally told me that SD would be participating in the choir when she was with you. I even adjusted our custody schedule as you requested so that you can be with her during choir. I'm not willing to make any more changes for choir, and I won't give up my quality time with SD because the choir schedule is busier than expected. I understand you didn't realize that choir would interfere with SD's time with me and I hope you are able to find a nice choir or other activity that you and SD can do together during your custody time. I won't give up any time with SD, of course, but let me know if you need more schedule changes. As always, I will do my best to accommodate you."
how many weekends a month do
how many weekends a month do you have her? am i correct that ya'll have EOWE, +1 night/wk?
How about bm coming to pick
How about bm coming to pick her up for the performances and then dropping her back at your place. If bm can't be. Other editors to do that then the blame is on her.
I don't know what your family
I don't know what your family plans are – would your family not enjoy listening to SD perform?"
"NO, no they would not." Just kidding.
Bu... BM signed her up, made it sound like the responsibility would be on her so I guess it's on her to get SD to her concerts and then back to your DH for his visitation.
If your DH wants to compromise and take SD to SOME of the concerts that are on his time that's up to him but I would not feel obligated to do all of them.
FROM A BM POINT OF VIEW: I am
FROM A BM POINT OF VIEW:
I am both a SM and a BM, my DD is a competitive dancer and her schedule during dance season is grueling and getting ready for the day starts at 4:30am. ExH and SM were more than happy to accommodate this schedule till their new baby was born, then it became too much!
I totally understood as a BM and SM, that it was too much with a new baby, it is grueling.
We (exH and I) look at the schedule at the beginning of the year and "switch" as many weekends as possible so ExH and SM don't miss out on time, other times I take her Friday night, to the competition on Saturday and drop her off at ExH house after, (if there is a team "out to dinner after" the competition, I ask if its ok or not before I agree to take her) sometimes he just says,"can you just take her for the weekend" and no switch is made, BUT if he asks to have her on my time to take her somewhere, I ALWAYS make that accommodation to keep things feeling fair.
Together DH and I have 4 kids, all in 2 activities, we run like crazed loons, its just the age / stage / era our kids are in and I keep things happy friendly with my ExH and SM.
FROM A SM POINT OF VIEW:
BM signed SS up for all the competitions in his sport (you only had to sign up for 4) She signed him up for all 10! Didn't notice what days were hers or not, then texted us that on her weekends with SS, she was "too busy" to take him, so in the middle of dance competition season we were now having to run SS to his competitions on our weekends and BM's weekends.
We sent an email saying we were more than happy to do it but be more aware, of who's weekend it is next time before you sign him up for all of them, especially when signing him up on our weekend! She of course spit back some rude nasty remark and we were the ones committed to taking to all 10 as she didn't follow through on any of them!
I guess it depends on the relationship.
I get along with ExH and SM, they are GREAT parents and co-parents with me and DH.
BM on the other hand is still bitter and likes conflict.
I'm not sure of your back
I'm not sure of your back story, but why do you all want more custody if you don't want to have to deal with taking SD places.. I could see if the whole weekend was taken up with it, or she was too overbooked to spend any time at all with you, but it's one activity, SD is interested in it, It doesn't last forever, I'd just suck it up... And I'm sure she'll be able to miss a few if there are more pressing plans...but otherwise maybe tie in where she has to be with something fun everyone can do... I'm at the opposite end, My DH has 50/50 with a BM that refuses to drive SD anywhere, so she's not allowed to participate in anything, no clubs, no sports, no music, no art, nothing....