I think everyone will have a different idea of trying and what it means to have step parenting work out.

Somedays I really feel sorry for the skids and all they have been through...then the cops have to be called and I have to seriously fear child services taking bios and skids away. Or all my cash goes missing. Or the skids purposefully lie about me or to me to create issues. Or a million other things.

BM is a constant daily issue. She calls the schools, our pastor, DH. Texts, emails, constant crazy.

I'm more concerned with the long game. Are we better together now? Have I held my tongue? Have I done something nice for a skid?

At the end of the day though I am not mom and don't want to be. I am not resigned or angry about that. I think life is all grey areas. I have to behave in a way I can live with that supports my marriage and my long term goals. Some days that means hanging out with skids some days hiding in my room.

My SS while being an issue is not the issue. Try understand, each of us while having a common thread, seldom have exactly the same problem. Each situation has it's own nuances and I doubt any of us set out with the intention of not having relationships with our steps/ BM/ in laws.

We're all different, really, in our stages of step hell. And we're here because things went badly - happy step families don't need step talk

I loved my skids, and I adored my SD. But like all relationships, love can wither when the participants do not contribute equally. My skids stopped contributing to our relationship. Then they started taking IOU's and finally bankrupted the love bank.

Despite what society likes to force on us, a step-relationship is like any relationship. Takes two to tango.

No... I do not love my SO's kids.. 1 is completely out of the picture... the other, I can about tolerate, that's as far as my positive feelings go. It was better than it is now about a year ago, before his MOTY starting the PAS crap again. So no, no love there... I just try to float through the skid weekends holding my breath till its over.

I love Softheart but I do not love Thunderfoot. A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that TF is around 24/7 and SH is not. Also SH is just a whole hell of a lot easier to get along with. I would prefer not to be a step parent either. Life would be so much easier...sigh

When I realized the DH was the man for me, I had all these idyllic thoughts of blended family bliss. His kids were going to love me, we would have fantastic large family fun, etc.

Reality hit over time. SS11 and I get along fine, an acquaintance type relationship. SD9 and I basically ignore each other at this point, and that's fine with me. I wish our relationships were better, because I think it would increase the quality time I have with DH too (we have 50/50 custody, so that's a ton of his time dealing with kids that I basically stay out of). You can't make yourself like someone, you can't make someone else like you, sometimes the best you can do is tolerate the person because you can't escape them.

I love the skids, like an aunt might. I have no real maternal feelings for them. I don't allow disrespect in my home and I get on them for those infractions. DH is usually on them too. Too many disagreements have happened in the past with the skids disrespecting everyone. I feel bad for the skids, their BM is a piece of work. A narcissist who makes them believe that she LIVES for her kids, when in reality she lives for what she can get out of everyone. She hasn't really parented them, just made them feel sorry for her.

I fear that when the skids are adults, and lose their usefulness ($$) to her, they'll end up living in our home and we'll have to undo all her crap. She doesn't know how to help her kids be productive, responsible human beings. She is teaching them to be exactly like herself. A person that skates through life having everyone else take care of her mistakes.

I do love my SS. I have been with DH since SS was 18 months old (he is 7 now) so I have basically watched him grow up. However, he is developing behavior problems as he gets older and an uncooperative, in-denial, permissive BM makes them even more difficult. It is even harder to deal with said problems when you do not have that bio-connection with the child. It's not that I have no hope - it's just that it's becoming clear that the idealistic fantasies of the blended family that DH and I talked about when we first got together aren't going to be a reality. At least not in the exact way we pictured it.

I think another thing that I struggle with on a personal level is that since my DS was born, I have had thoughts that I wish I wasn't a stepmother. The feelings I have for DS blow my feelings for SS out of the water and I have a hard time with that. I simultaneously feel guilty and frustrated for wishing that me, DH, and DS had more time as just the 3 of us.

I care for my step kids, I might even say I love them, to a certain degree. I've been in the blended family life for almost 16 years. YES, it does get easier and YES, it CAN work out. However, the changes have to come from you. Most of the time, the NCP, aka my DH, will guilt parent. And chances are, they will ALWAYS guilt parent. BM, is usually a loon and no matter how many years have gone by, they usually remain loons. As the years pass the issues vary. When the skids were younger, the guilt parenting was on full throttle. CS being paid at an exorbitant amount PLUS all expenses coming out from our home as well, made for a VERY uptight situation. As time has passed, the extras have diminished, DH FINALLY learned how to say NO to that bitch, and the Skids have also stopped asking for SO MUCH SHIT. They still ask for things, but not like before.
I have reinvented my role. Whereas in the beginning I wanted to be SUPERSTEPMOM, because you know, I had an imaginary cape and I wanted to SHOW THAT BITCH what it meant to be a GOOD mother, eventually, the cape started losing its luster and I stopped giving a shit. She's a sucky mom, so what, I don't care and I have nothing to prove to her or anyone. I have my own kids to worry about.
My relationship with the skids changed into more of a caring adult and less of a PARENT role.
My marriage is a good one. It has its ups and downs and there are days I want to stab my DH to death, but in the big scheme of things? There are FAR worse things we could be dealing with, so I count my blessings.

here's my two cents first, then i'll go back and read the other responses.

i do. i do love them, and i do want to be a SP. i dont always get along w/ them, or they with me, but i love 'em. i get along best with mss, dh has always told me that if i'd ever "popped one out" it would've been mss!

he and i were discussing a fairly deep subject last night, and he told me "yanno, it's nice that i've got parents who care about this, with you even bringing it up to talk to me about it. alot of kids' parents dont care enough to do that." that made my heart swell!

even w/ yss we have our moments. one day he'd called me for something from his gma's house (dumbass' mom), and as he was hanging up he said "ok, well, love you. oh wait i didnt mean...." it took me a few days to decide how i felt about that, and i swung back and forth between feeling offended and feeling resigned. he said it in front of his mother's mom, who knew exactly that it was me on the other end. loyalty conflict? maybe. maybe it was a total slipup and the kid has no good feelings towards me. then i realized one thing - the way he said it, the tone and rhythm, is exactly how he ends phone conversations with all adult family members - both parents, all four grandparents, aunts, uncles. whatever the reason for the slipup is irrelevant - but the fact and manner of the slipup show that he, without probably realizing it, considers me family. and that made my heart happy.

I love my stepson.

I loved my SD24 at one time and didn't mind being a step parent (have been in her life since she was 5). Keep in mind, that DH has always been the one to take care of her needs, I did not have to. Even when he was with BM, he did most of the child rearing.

There were times I really liked doing things for her, like decorating her room as a surprise when we bought our house, but I never wanted kids so my involvement was sporadic. I didn't leave the house on weekends or stay in my room but I didn't always go the park with her and DH, either.

But over time, with her shenanigans and dishonesty, I have become mostly indifferent. I care about her well being but am not really emotionally invested. That is mostly due to the fact that she is not invested in her own future and I got tired of trying to help someone who doesn't want my help (she wants someone to do it ALL for her).

So, yes, I have tried but she is an adult with 2 kids of her own now, and I can't want something for her that she doesn't seem to want for herself, much less get it for her.

You have to keep in mind, this is a venting site. Most of us ended up here because we googled "my stepson hates me" or "I hate my step kids" or "my step daughter is a brat" or whatever. We didn't end up here by googling "I love being a SM! (insert unicorns farting butterflies)"

I'm sure there ARE people who love their skids, they have great skids who do well in school and are respectful and clean up after themselves and the BMs are decent human beings. Those people aren't on here because they don't need to go find people who understand when they need to vent.

I loved my SSs dearly once upon a time. BM made sure to destroy that. Thanks to PAS, they are now completely out of my life. And my husband's. It must suck to be so insecure you can't handle your kids having other adults in their lives who care.