Parent alienation and child support.
Its been a while, I learned I could be more positive about being a SM and all this unwanted drama if I stayed off here.
We've been trying to make overnight visits work again after taking a long break. DH would spend time with her on his weekends but she wouldn't come over during the break.
Well overnights lasted 3-4 months, she would still cry every time but it wasn't as dramatic as before until this weekend, she cried all Friday evening and Saturday morning until he gave in and took her home.
Clearly there is something underlying here, its not just 'missing her mom' shes 8 years old, give me a break!
BM has to be a huge factor in this.
I don't understand why he would have to continue to support a child that never wants to see him or have anything to do with him because of BMs nastiness.. any experience with this?
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The state is not going to
The state is not going to terminate child support because of alienation.
I have read about a rare case of it happening but the kid was much older and admitted that he wanted no relationship with his father (I can't remember the exact details, it's been awhile).
It would be nice if BMs like this could be held accountable and have CS terminated for alienation but they would just go on welfare so that is not going to happen. Family Court can go on all day about the importance of both parents being in the child's life but all they really care about is the financial side of it.
My DH went through the same thing your DH is going through, with his oldest daughter. He dutifully paid CS for 18 years, even though she wanted nothing to do with him (from a very young age). Believe me, I resented the hell out it (and researched the hell out of it). You just have to let it go.
He doesn't have a choice.
He doesn't have a choice. Child support is court ordered and he can and will be placed in jail for not complying with the court order.
We have dealt with BM issues for well over 5 years now. It never stops, BM PAS against other parent and its really just abuse.
He will be paying support on this kid for another 10 years or longer depending on where you live. It doesn't matter if he never sees her again, the child support won't stop.
^^^^^^^This
^^^^^^^This completely^^^^^^^
Nothing you can do about the CS except watch your DH pay it and file to end it when she turns 18.
As for the visitation, if it's going to be miserable for everyone just let BM keep her. Either way, BM is going to paint you two as evil. Better to be able to get on with your life.
What about just doing day
What about just doing day time visits and bringing her home at night?
He did this routine for
He did this routine for several months in the past, they live over an hour away and he doesn't have the money to continue to visit her like this. He would drive down and back both days on her weekends. Its draining. Either way she doesn't want to see him, so what would be the point?
She's 8. She doesn't get to
She's 8. She doesn't get to make this decision. As the parent, it's his job to call the shots. The point of continuing the visits is improve their relationshiP and for him to be a part of her life~not just a pay check.
I think Disney is right. What
I think Disney is right. What if he even did the one day. He has to do that much driving anyways.
I guess we'll see what
I guess we'll see what happens. I also think hes over it, shes too old to not be able to spend 1 day away from mom. We've only been doing 1 overnight so it wouldn't be 'too much' but really if we're not 'go-go-go' spending money on activities and going out to eat and being super busy, she has a fit and wants to leave. We're just not fun because we're a normal family that spends time together and has regular rules and bedtimes.
He played a role in this by
He played a role in this by giving in all this time. He created the expectation that they will constantly be on the go or he will take her home if she cried long enough.
Had he tossed her butt in her room instead of caving years ago, this would not be a problem now.
He's her father. He shouldn't be able to toss up his hands and say I'm over it when it's a situation that he helped to create.
I somewhat agree, but as a FT
I somewhat agree, but as a FT working mom of our 2 young kids I certainly don't want to put up with this type of bullshit on the weekend, the only time I get to spend time with my kids.
Believe me there was plenty of putting her butt in bed, and there still was screaming at 3 am and puking all over the house. If this had been one of our children, obviously it would have been handled much differently and more quickly.
I understand the views of how she comes first yadda yadda, but putting up with this behavior for the last 4 years has put extreme pressure on our marriage, I'm pretty sure he was doing what he thought was best to still see her and not be divorced again in the process.
What about just doing day
What about just doing day time visits and bringing her home at night?
The reason for this post was
The reason for this post was regarding the fact that BM is causing the other half of this monster. She wants to whine and complain about there not enough time spent, but she doesn't do anything on her end to assist in this relationship (no driving, coordinating to make it easier, and most important encouraging the child to spend time with Dad). BM constantly makes SD feel like shes missing out on the events they are doing while shes gone at our house.
My point of bringing up CS had nothing to do with her being his child, we all know that. But why should BM be able to poison the situation and then still get her paycheck? Her ultimate goal in all of this was to get paid, she never wanted to do the family thing with DH.
It would be nice if the child
It would be nice if the child was 'being supported'. When a BM has no job and always has a new car, eats out for every meal, and always has their hair and nails done.. while the kid is wearing (ridiculous) clothes that barely cover their overweight body I think theres a problem.
Id further like to complain on this thread that my tax dollars are being wasted on this mess because they think its appropriate to get food stamps when you don't really need them.
And- in response to your way/excuse line.. I don't think any of this is important to him like it used to be, and he probably wants it all to just go away as bad as I do.
He should go to court and ask
He should go to court and ask the judge to force mom to do 50% of the driving and knock off the other crap she's doing.
Mom can still get "her paycheck" because dad is still financially responsible for his kid no matter how BM behaves. Regardless of how a parent acts, the child deserves to be supported by both parents.
Mom nit wanting to do the family thing with dad, has nothing to do with his obligation to support the kid he created with her.
If you don't want to do the
If you don't want to do the family thing, then don't get married and have a baby!
Well you can't change the
Well you can't change the past so no need to concentrate on what BM should or shouldn't have done.
You have some great advice here:
*Get a GAL to discuss PAS issues.
*Talk to DH to discuss his plan of action regarding future tantrums from SD.
*See about getting a court order to split the driving.
Ideally, each parent should be responsible for picking up SD for their time...so DH would make the drive there to pick SD up for visitation and then BM should be driving to pick her up after the weekend. This usually works best when the parents are territorial about their kid which it sounds like BM is.