Just writing a blog for the sake of it I guess, maybe I can help someone, or maybe someone can help me. I just feel the need to put it out there.

I don't blame step related stuff SOLELY responsible for my issues, there certainly are many other factors that contributed to my 'break down', but having spent the last couple months really working on myself (with a counselor and new meds) and trying to identify *what is wrong*, the step shit is the main problem.

The past year (or more) has been stressful, BM, SD, renting and house went on market which meant weekly open homes, work and normal stresses of raising kids, paying bills, ya'know, LIFE, lol. But, I felt I was managing just fine, I thought I knew what I was about... and then a few months ago while cleaning up after my 2 boys, and SO (while they were all sitting on their butts playing on their on devices asking "what's for tea" every effing 5 mins) I jammed my thumb in a door, really bad. I remember exactly how it felt, pain started in my thumb, then just traveled through my whole body, sounds weird, but I felt as though the pain just unclicked, or unraveled everything I was trying to hold on to...

I spun round on my wee family and spewed venom at them while they stared at me with wide eyes. I've never sworn at my kids before (when I apologized later, they said "don't worry mum, we weren't scared or anything, it was just weird, you've never been that mad before, you were stressed and we really should have been helping you." bless their sweetness and thank god for their forgiveness), I suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I spent the rest of that evening in my room unraveling, depression, negative thoughts, anxiety etc etc etc.

Anyway, things were rather bleak for awhile, my brother and SIL stepped in to help with my kids, but I'm doing much better now, being a mother is my sane spot. Aside from all my personal stuff, the step shit...

I think some here will remember the false sexual abuse accusations BM made against my sons (ugh I know, I'm still going on about it), I may have gotten through that, at the time, with confidence and faith. But, through the counselling, I've come to realize that that event was a very defining moment for me, in a negative way. (I know most of yall here didn't have anything really supportive to offer, I understand)

Even though those who investigated, came upon PROOF that BM made the lies up, constructed events and misquoted what others said ALL for the purpose of interfering with SO's parenting time... NOTHING was ever said to me after the fact. I actually didn't even get a call to say they closed the case. I realize now that THAT has made me 'believe' that I don't matter in the world. I know BM is a psychotic disgusting person, I don't care what she say's or thinks, she's just annoying. But all those sane, educated and intelligent people, the fact that none of them said anything to me, not "sorry for all this trouble, just want you to know that we KNOW your sons were maliciously targeted" etc etc. The fact that SO, his family have never said "sorry you were put through this, it was wrong of her" and that they have their friendly moments with BM (for the sake of SD)... I've taken all that to heart.

My break down, is because I feel like worthless trash, someone BM can shit on and everyone looks at me and thinks "if BM wants shit there, then it must belong there". I have panic attacks when my phone rings, thinking it might be more accusations. I struggle in public, "does everyone else think I'm worth being shat on".

I know. I have MAJOR problems. I hate that I've let BM define me, I'm working with my counselor to change it.

Bit of silver lining, I speak my mind to SO, I am VERY straight forward with him, I don't let ANYTHING get past me, no disrespect, no lack of boundaries with his ex and dd, I have made MY boundaries VERY clear, he either respects them, or he can fuck off.

Anyway, I wont say that I've figured anything out, I have along way to go, I'm still with SO for now, but it may not stay that way. I'm trying to find the healthy me, and I won't let anything or anyone stand in the way. But it's just very very hard right now.