Okay, my BSstb17's birthday is in 9 days. There is nothing specific in our CO regarding birthdays, not BS's, not mine, not BD's. Since our divorce, I have tried to work with BD and allow him some time on BS's birthday, a lot of times splitting the day in two, each of us getting half. Three years ago we had a big blow up because something came up on the actual day of BS's birthday. My employer gave me tickets to the luxury suite at Fenway Park for a baseball game. These are $500 each tickets. Our parent company leases the suite and some years we are given tickets to go to a specific game. The tickets were for a game on BS's actual birthday. It was an all expense paid event including hotel for staying over the night of the game. We are in NY and the park is in Boston, MA so it is a trip. I thought it would be a great opportunity for my son. BD pitched a fit complaining that he wouldn't get to see BS on his actual birthday. I told him that this was a special one time type of opportunity and told him he could celebrate on a neighboring day. He wasn't happy and continued to tell BS how horrible I was for not allowing him to spend part of his actual birthday with him. We went to the game and BD blew up my cell phone the entire time. He was intent on ruining the experience. I tried to explain to BS that you don't always get to celebrate your birthday on the actual day and that as he gets older it become rare to do so given your job, etc. Since then we have celebrated on our time that we had BS. BD has not even asked to split the day.

Fast forward to this year, BS's birthday is on a Thursday. I have been asking BS what he wanted to do for his birthday. He hasn't really said much. 10 days ago I sent BD an email asking him if he had any plans for BS's birthday. I told him that given the timing of the birthday, I thought the most practical thing to do would be for me to take a vacation day and spend the actual day with BS, doing something if an idea comes up. He would have BS two days later for his normal weekend visitation and could celebrate with him then. BD gets BS every weekend unless I have something I want to do with BS and ask to keep him home. Our CO allows me one weekend a month but I usually only exercise it when I do have something planned. I told BD in the email to let me know if he had something other planned. I told him I would assume this is okay unless I hear from him. Five days ago BS tells me something he would like to do on his birthday. I say okay, I was planning on taking the day off and we can do that. BS asks me if I had said anything to his dad about his birthday and I tell him yes that I had already sent him an email. Last night BS gets home from his weekend visit and tells me he mentioned what we were doing on his birthday to his dad and everything is okay.

This morning I get an email that BD sent last night at 11:30pm telling me he was planning on taking BS's birthday off from work so he can spend the day with him. This is 10 days after I sent him my email and not what BS said last night. I ask BS about it this morning and he starts defending his dad and now wants to split the day again. I feel like BD is manipulating BS into his idea that we have to split the actual day of his birthday. In BS's eyes, I'm now the bad guy because I would be preventing him from seeing his BD on his actual birthday. What about me? BD's plan that he explained in the email would only allow me an hour or so after 9pm on BS's birthday. I feel like I can't win now because I will be looked at badly by BS no matter what I do now. BD waited 10 days to answer me and I think he only did so now with this plan because BS told him we were making plans to do something on the day.

I have always given BD almost any time he has asked for with BS and I feel like my cooperation is being taken advantage of. I have worked around his changing schedule and allowed other family members time with BS usually at the expense of my time. I've done this because I've usually allowed BS to spend time with whoever he wants to. When something comes up on BD's side, I try to accommodate it since I know he doesn't see BS as often as I do. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think it's too much to ask to communicate in a decent manner regarding these issues.

Is it really that important to celebrate a birthday on the actual day? I can maybe understand when kids are young and don't understand that sometimes it isn't practical to do this. DH hardly ever gets to see skids on their actual birthdays. We celebrate on the weekend we have them that is closest to their birthday. Do you guys think BD is just manipulating the situation or am I not taking the actual birthday seriously enough?

There was a year when BS's birthday fell on BD's time and I didn't see him. I called an wished him happy birthday and celebrated the next day.