Dealbreaker? & Lot's of Tears
I have been crying a lot since Saturday night. Saturday evening my boyfriend and I had an argument. He applied for a job a while back ago and just got a letter in the mail saying they aren't going to hire him. He was understandably frustrated, especially since they put him through multiple interviews and assessment tests for over a year. He said he wondered if his ex-wife might have said something negative about him that might have had an impact. But when he said it, he referred to her as his wife. I immediately said "Ex!" he said that's what he meant, but it still upset me. I told him I didn't get why he would say that when it has been over four years since they've been divorced. He didn't understand why it upset me and when I tried to ask him to think of it from my angle, it lead to an argument. I basically decided that I didn't want to have a fight that night, especially since I know he didn't intend it to upset me, so I just stopped and stepped away for a moment. Even though that put a bit of a damper on our evening.
Later that night before we were about to go to sleep, I could tell something was wrong. I asked him what it was, he hesitated for a long time and would only say it was tough to tell me and the he loved me and was afraid I might leave him. I told him the longer he hesitates the more I start to get freaked out about what it might be about. he finally told me he is pretty sure he does not want to have any more children. When I asked why not, he said he feels like there is a lot of evil in the world and it is so hard to shield a child from it. He mentioned the expense of having/raising a child.
It was extremely tough for me to hear that. He knows it is something I want. I have wanted for a long time now. I asked him what does he want in life. He said he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I started crying a lot and couldn't stop for a while. Through my tears I said "it's not fair" he said what's not fair? I couldn't say it out loud to him. But I meant that it's not fair, I finally find a good man that loves me for me and wants to spend his life with me and yet he doesn't want to have children with me. he held me while I was crying and said he doesn't like to see me sad.
But I am sooo sad 
. The thought of breaking up with him makes me sooo sad, I am fighting tears right now & all day. If you read my first blog you can tell I already had my concerns about the fact that his daughter acts like a little brat very often, as well as the fact he sometimes doesn't take me into consideration when she is around us and the challenge of me dealing with his baggage of a skid and ex-wife for years to come etc. But I am still sooo sad at the thought of breaking up with him. I love him.
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Oh hun...Im sorry. And I
Oh hun...Im sorry. And I think this is a deal breaker and I think your boyfriend knows/thinks it is deal breaker for you.
IMHO...he is trying to get you to break up with him.
I think willow is right.
I think willow is right.
I'm so sorry. Hugs. But if
I'm so sorry. Hugs. But if you want children of your own, it's best to cut your ties right now. I don't get any kind of joy or fulfillment from my stepkids. I don't. My own biological children give me immense bottomless joy and satisfaction. I'd hate for you to miss out on that.
People think that you have a soul mate. Personally I think there are lots of soul mates. There isn't one person but a type of person. You can and will find love again. It'll be okay. And then you will have your own family and it'll all be worth it.
Thank you. Your words really
Thank you. Your words really resonate with me. Although I am still fighting tears, It sheds a new light on the situation to hear that it will most likely lead to me resenting him and or his kid. I asked him if he is 90% sure he doesn't want more kids., he said 80% then said maybe 70% sure he doesn't.
I referred to my former SO's
I referred to my former SO's X-wife as "his wife" sometimes, when I mentioned her. She was still such a big part of his life, that it just slipped; nevertheless I think I would be upset if it was him referring to her as "my wife", so i totally get you.
As for the "no kids" part, I'm really sorry. My feelings are that if you stay with him, you'll resent him eventually and you won't be happy together anyway. If having your own children is really important your SO is not the one for you. Maybe you'll stay with him in the hope that he'll may change, but will he? And if he does, will he really want children or just have them with you because it means so much to you, which is not fair for him either?
I'm so sorry I can't be of any help or solace in this situation.
This is a big deal Foxy, if
This is a big deal Foxy, if you want kids... then you deserve kids of your own. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk about your future together. And if you aren't headed in the same direction, you need to cut your losses. I know that is a tough decision to make when you are in love with someone, but don't sell your self short.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
If having children is
If having children is important to you than yes it's a deal breaker. I'm so sorry you are in this position. But it's better now to realize a change needs to happen. ((Hugs))
This relationship has run
This relationship has run it's course. He's telling this now is a CYA move. If you marry him then revisit the baby issue, he will be able to say he made it clear that he didn't want more kids before you got married.
Cry, scream, cuss, yell....Once you get it all out, wipe your tears, lift your head and focus on you. Do not allow him to take this away from you. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved AND want to have children with you.
Thank you Disneyfan. I
Thank you Disneyfan. I appreciate you saying that after I am ready to move on I'll find love again. I know it's not gauraunteed that I'll find a single childless man that'll love me and want to have children together. Especially since I am 36yr etc. but that doesn't eliminate my desire/hope to find one and have children of my own.
tommar24365 that is
tommar24365 that is definitely a possibility. The job paid more $$, than his current position, which partly why he applied in the first place. he did say that he feels like he'll just have to be stuck at his position forever. :?
But he was hesitant about having another child even before this rejection letter. Which makes me feel like the possibility of him changing his mind about having another baby anytime soon is slim to none.
I agree with everyone else,
I agree with everyone else, this is a deal breaker. I know you love him but you have to love yourself more. He has a kid, so why would he want another one...you will end up hating him after you go through dealing with HIS kid, HIS ex and then you have nothing of your own to show for it. This is big, I would think long and hard before I married him. I know good guys are hard to find but if he don't want the same things that you do than it's better to cut your ties and find someone that wants what you do out of life. He is not the only good guy out there.
Only you know for sure if
Only you know for sure if this is a deal breaker or not. But I do think that since you got so upset over it, it probably is.
Just know that no matter how hard a breakup is, NOT breaking up is even worse. You won't be available for Mr Right. He won't be available for someone else.
You love him and hurt. But you can continue to love him...and hurt...and get resentful and bitter over time. Or you can move on.
I one broke up with a guy I loved so hard. I never thought I'd ever feel that way for anyone else. But he was a womanizer/dog/cheater. I couldn't take that. Then I met my DH. Although my feelings for ex didn't just vanish overnight, I love my DH and our lives WAYYY more than I ever thought I would.
Whatever it is, don't let him
Whatever it is, don't let him string you along. I have heard so many people in situations where they stayed because the guy kept saying he was unsure and to give him time to think about it. 1 year turns into 3 turns into 5 and before you know it, you'd wasted a life with a guy who kept you for his own selfish purposes.
And being 36 is definitely not a lost cause, and neither is finding a guy who is childless. My dad was 42 when he (childless) got married to my mom. My mom was 34.
I know plenty of guys who, for one reason or another, are still single (many are because they are painfully shy or awkward, so chemistry does matter) and have no kids in their late 30's, early 40's. Joining groups that have consuming hobbies, you'll usually find a few who are there because they have no home life. I can tell you that my mom was divorced from her first husband (very handsome, but a cheater, thankfully she didn't have kids with him) and put up with some of my dad's eccentricities because she knew he loved her and could give her and any children she may have a good life (he owned several businesses internationally) so she grew to love him despite the fact that my dad's seriously an awkward person. I'm not saying to settle, but sometimes the perfect person with all the ingredients for a happy life is there, but requires growing love.
^^This^^ Believe him when he
^^This^^ Believe him when he says he doesn't want any more children. He may waffle a bit if he thinks he's going to loose you, but I think this was the most honest answer.
Yes, I agree this would be a
Yes, I agree this would be a deal breaker. After my divorce when I entered the dating world the 'are you open to kids question' was always asked by me after the 3rd/4th date... I knew that was something that was a must have for me.
Sueu2 I am not responding in
Sueu2 I am not responding in hopes of getting into a virtual argument with someone who clearly doesn't know me and likes to assume the worst.
But let me just say that I am not here to serve any man. I am not so desperate for a man. That is sure as hell not the way my mother raised my sister and I. I don't need a man or a child to complete me. I am a whole, independent, capable woman with or with out a man in my life. I want a man that I can share things like a loving relationship and more with. If you look at other comments on this blog, you see that I am not the only one who knows that breaking up with someone you love is hard to do. I am not going to apologize to you or anyone for caring about him or myself. He never agreed to have more children with me and then go back on it. Yes, he did say that he'd consider it and wasn't totally against it. Him getting rejected from a job that would've paid more money, I am sure had an effect on him and his concerns about expenses in general. Especially if we did decide to get married and have children together. I don't need to explain my feelings to you. Weather or not you are basing your response on your own bad experience with a man or whatever is your business, not mine.
You don't have to explain
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone
And I do not read sue's posts, as a lot of other people don't. They are generally nothing but one wordy lengthy passive aggressive insult,
I wil respectfully disagree.
I wil respectfully disagree. There are many many people here on ST who tell it like it is. And they seem like they are coming from a good place when they do.
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the feedback from everyone else.
Breaking up with someone you love is tough to do. A good friend of mine suggested that instead of me going to my BF's place this weekend like usual, that I tell him I need some space and take the time to really think. I am thinking that I will do that. And maybe he and I can sit down and have a face to face serious conversation about this stuff next week. I worry that I might be making a mistake by breaking up with the 1st man that's ever truly loved me. But like many of you said, I don't want to grow to resent him or his kid. I know that breaking up with him doesn't guarantee that I'll find another single childless man who love me and want to marry and have kids together while I still physically can. But I haven't lost hope of that.
I am not apologizing for being emotional about having to end something real. Having theses feelings is part of being a caring person, not weak or desperate. I am not apologizing for wanting a love that lasts either.
Being able to vent on this site to people that "get it" does help though. Thank you.
You can find what you have
You can find what you have with your boyfriend with another man, and at any age.
Having your own biological child is something you only have a few short years to do.
Let me just say something:
Let me just say something: you state "I worry that I might be making a mistake by breaking up with the 1st man that's ever truly loved me". When we are involved, we always tend to fell that THIS is the only man who has ever loved us properly; it doesn't mean that's not true but is also doesn't mean that it is.
Breaking up with someone you truly love is hell, at least for me, but don't do it or not on the account of him being the 1st man who ever loved you. Do it or don't do it based on your own feelings and needs.
Good luck!
Thank you No Saint. I agree
Thank you No Saint. I agree with you. I am trying to what is right for myself. That doesn't mean I don't care about what is right for him too, but I need to look out for myself and my needs. I don't want to do what so many others here have talked about, I don't want to waist the few years I have left to physically be Abel to have a child/ children on the hope that he might change his mind.
The other day he told me that he had been thinking a lot about he and I. I asked him what he thought of, he said abut maybe having a baby with me. I cannot hang my hopes and small window of time on maybes.
Maybe he will change his mind about having a child with me. Maybe he will learn, whether we go to counseling or reading etc. what he can do to help the challenges of me dealing with his often bratty child. Maybe he will learn how to help me deal with it all. Maybe he will discipline his child more so she doesn't grow up and become more manipulative and tough to be around.
That is too many maybes for me right now. A friend of my sisters was with a her guy for years. A while ago she left him because she wanted to get married and have kids. He didn't he was content with living with her forever. After a while, I'm not sure how long, at least several months she got back together with him. She is about 5 or maybe more years older than me. So when I asked my sister why she went back to him, aside from the obvious fact that I already knee, she loved him. My sister told me she thinks she missed her window to have children. I don't think I want that to be my story.
Whatever you choose to do,
Whatever you choose to do, really wish you all the best!
I think that to meet THE one
I think that to meet THE one or one of THE ones you have to check all the 'boxes' and work out what is negotiable and what isn't. And so far things were looking good. However an important box for you is having a child. Pretty much non-negotiable, right? And this time, after a few years of checking the yes boxes, you check a no box. And just like checking off boxes in a multiple choice quiz and you are doing so well with the correct answers, you get the wrong answer. You know the feeling. And multiply THAT feeling and this is what you are getting.
If he truly loved you he would share your dreams and desires. He doesn't. He doesn't want more children whether for some reason like 'the world is a bad place' or he doesn't feel he can afford another child and live or improve his present lifestyle. So he doesn't share your dreams and therefore doesn't love you the way you thought he did.
Can you talk him into it? Can you give him an ultimatum? Maybe and likely. But in your mind there will always be this conversation. You will resent his previous choice to be a father. You will resent the fact that he sees his other child grow but your shared child never will get that. BM got him first. He won't break up with you because the present situation works for him.
I don't know what you will do. But when DH decided he only wanted me as a friend I thought 'great! I still get part of him!' But after 2 weeks of being his 'friend' after being his everything I drew my line in the sand and refused to step over it. I sent him an email telling him I cannot do this. I cannot go back to friends. And i ended our friendship. I had never done that before and as much as my heart broke I felt good. I made a stand for something I believed in. He came back about 6-7 weeks later.And the rest is history.
Do not feel bad about taking a stand for something you believe in and want.
Many, many red flags!! Chef
Many, many red flags!! Chef (my "SO") would also refer to his ex-wife has his wife or when angry at me because his kids PASed out (because of her and his disney dadding) his "beeeeaauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful wife"
Then he decides he doesn't want kids and he knows you want them. red flag #2
Then catering to his previously enjoyed family and spawn? red flag #3
I experienced all this and believe me I would NEVER EVER do it again just like a lot of other women who come to this site.
It may hurt now but you're young and you have a HUGE future ahead of you. . .with someone ELSE!!
When I married my exH, he had
When I married my exH, he had a son from a previous marriage. I told him my condition for marriage was that I wanted to have a child and he said he was okay with that.
He lied.
We had fertility issues and went through all kinds of doctor visits, tests, treatments... One night, exH got drunk and told me that he never even wanted the first child, much less a second one, and that if I got pregnant he would just see it as another mistake he had to live with. That was the end.
Leave now. Don't waste the
Leave now. Don't waste the years you could have a child hoping he'll change his mind or you'll end up realizing that you're getting too old for it to even be an option and now you've got nobody to have a child with.
I appreciate the advice from
I appreciate the advice from everyone. I realize that if I stay with him I could not only miss my chance to have children of my own but also could grow to resent him and his daughter.
I admit that before this I was really worried about dealing with his often bratty child and being treated like a wicked stepmom no matter what I did etc. But even with that in mind, I am sooooo sad at the thought of leaving him. I do want to try and give myself a chance to find a man that I can have true love, marriage and children with after my heart heals of course. Not sure how long that is going to take. I keep crying a lot. I have to hide my tears while I'm at work. I cry a lot when I think about the fact that I love my bf and how much I know I am gonna miss him. I guess I am going to be lonely this summer
Sueu2 once again you
Sueu2 once again you misunderstand my words. You are the one choosing to take my words as such a negative portrait of me. I cannot control the way you or anyone sees me. I am not trying to either.
The word Desperate, by definition is not a compliment and no one with any common sense would see it as anything other than an insult. I thought I made it clear to you, without having to explain my whole life, that I am not the type of person who NEEDS a man. I also never said that I only care about whether or not he loves me. I have always wanted a loving relationship with a man where we have mutual caring, respect and consideration etc. for each other.
I appreciate you trying to explain where you are coming from, however I don't appreciate that you are still making assumptions about me and about my bf. I have had my standards long before he and I met and I was clear about what I want, when he and I first met. You know nothing of my standards or what I choose to do when determining whether or not to date a man, so why are you assuming that you do? Why do you assume that you are so much more knowledgeable then me, when you don't even know me?
He and I love each other. We have been together for a year and 5 months, not two years. He never said difinitivley that he didn't want children before this. You can continue to assume you know every detail if you want.
You seem very comfortable with your high-horse and your confidence in your belief that you know so much more then I do or than anyone else that you see yourself as being more intelligent than. The fact that you might not have intended to be insulting shows that you probably do have some human decency about you, however the fact that you didn't apologize for insulting me, weather or not you intended to, speaks volumes about your character.
snoopystep thank you so much
snoopystep thank you so much for what you said. I have been thinking about all of this a lot. Like you said, my concerns with him being a Disney dad and his daughter's often bratty-asss behavior are just as big of a concern for me, the concern about having a child of my own.
I have not discussed all of this with him since he last told me he didn't think he wanted more children. But I will this weekend. As of right now I do not feel like I want to stay for years and years in the hope that he might change his mind. I cannot wait around and risk loosing my chance on a 20-30% maybe. let alone the fact that I will have to deal with the other concerning factor (skid & Disney dad-ness) during that time.
I am still sad at the idea of leaving him, and that's not because I am a desperate woman, I am strong and independent, but this is just a tough situation, especially since I love him.