If you could do it all over again, what would you do different?
I'm going into my second step-parenting relationship. After a 7 year nightmare with my ex and his ex-wife I swore I would NEVER be with a man who has an ex-wife again, yet here I am. I already see the warning signs of a bitter ex-wife and I know I should be running for the hills, but I'm in too deep. I love this man and his children. I want to take what I've learned and approach things differently this time. I feel strongly about reaching out to the ex, maybe through Facebook and inviting her for coffee or something casual so we can get to know each other. I do live with her children 50% of the time and I think that is the right thing to do, even if she declines.
If you could go back to the beginning, what would you do differently to start off right with BM? If you have a good working relationship with BM, how did you achieve that?
**Addition**
The fact that she is still a little angry and bitter worries the crap out of me, but otherwise she does seem like a mature, professional woman. I'm hoping by reaching out to her on a friendly note, that I will catch things before they escalate and perhaps she will be a bit disarmed. I know it's a slim chance... but maybe?? Knowing what I know and having been through what I have, I have to at least try to start this time on the right foot, am I right??
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I tried that. She wouldn't go
I tried that. She wouldn't go for it.
I know good relationships can be had, I can see it in my extended family with the step/bio parents. But what I'm finding is that we are the exceptions to the rule...freaks, if you will.
What I would do differently:
I would stay in my own house, not get married and date DH until every single child (including my own) had left their respective houses.
If you already see signs that
If you already see signs that she is a bitter woman and should be running for the hills, I wouldn't hold out much hope.
I have a great cordial relationship with my kid's stepmother. She and I text each other. We chat. We have each others back. We've had issues but we make it through. I think you can tell by a person's personality if she is going to be reasonable and adult and logical. I can tell my ex husband married a kind hearted smart girl. I can also tell my SO married a mean dumb vindicative drop out and there won't ever be a good working relationship for me and his ex.
I wish you the best of luck. Trust me when i say its better for the children when all can get along and coparent. My children are very well adjusted. My SO's children, not so much.
I do have a good working
I do have a good working relationship with BM. We behave very cordially to one another. We both pretend she never sends the nasty emails to my husband and that I never see them.
We currently use the "car is running" technique at dropoffs otherwise she would march right into my house and stay till well past tolerable. I do tons and tons of things for her kids that she should be doing and we both pretend this is normal.
I do not have her phone number and I don't believe she has mine.
Shortly after our wedding, she invited both dh and me to dinner. DH and I were both horrified and simply never responded and after a few months she dropped it. Knowing her, she was going to tell us both how to parent. Um, no effin' thanks.
She made the gesture of inviting me to my ss's IEP meetings at school and I appreciated that. I mostly keep my mouth shut while this meeting takes place.
If I had to do it all over again I would simply not allow her in the house from the start. That weekly invasion cost my soul a lot.
Sounds like your BM is different, though, so what's working for me may be off the charts to you. I have a low opinion of her and don't want to spend a moment more in her company than I have to. I think she might like to be buddies with me, possibly for the purpose of ridiculing my dh, so her feelings toward me are different than mine for her. We meet in the middle at "cordial with a side of pretense."
I could have written this
I could have written this post! Thank You for sharing. Your words, " We pretend this is normal ", hit me as so raw and honest !
I tried that route. . I have the opposite of a screamer. I have a cling - on for my effort and DH with no sense of boundaries. I have an unwelcome house guest every week. I've tried to get lost. . You know. .. I'm in the shower or in disposed. She'll wait! DH needs to not make her so welcome and tell her I'm busy or something. I don't want conflict, especially in front of kids, but boy can she push buttons. She stays here well beyond reasonable and most of what she talks about is bullshit anyway. .ugh
I'd do it totally different of I could do it again.
Like you. . She hates me with the intensity of 1000 sun's. As for me.. if she wasn't such a pain in the ass pushing boundaries with DH, she wouldn't be a second on my radar.
Ahhh to dream of doing it over.
The fact that she is still a
The fact that she is still a little angry and bitter worries the crap out of me, but otherwise she does seem like a mature, professional woman. I'm hoping by reaching out to her on a friendly note, that I will catch things before they escalate and perhaps she will be a bit disarmed. I know it's a slim chance... but maybe?? Knowing what I know and having been through what I have, I have to at least try to start this time on the right foot, am I right??
Thanks everyone! I'm
Thanks everyone! I'm genuinely considering running now... lol! I decided definitely not to reach out to BM and will not be going down that road again....
Glad you are not going to
Glad you are not going to reach out to her. If she is bothered then maybe she will reach out to you. If she trusts that her ex wouldn't date a crazy lady and hasn't heard bad reports from the kids then maybe you will be lucky and she will leave you alone. If she reaches out you can assess if you want to meet up with her at that time.
They say life events repeat
They say life events repeat themselves until you learn from them...I suggest you only casually date this guy until his kids are phased out. Move out. And for all that's grand and Holy do NOT try to reach out to the Ex. With the description you gave (bitter) there's nothing good that will come of you having coffee with her, if anything you will be offering yourself up as a new target for her. Stay behind the clouds if you plan on being around, the less she knows about you, the less she can poison the kids against you with. My biggest mistake was having empathy for BM and trying to reach out and "be friends;" bitter exes don't want to be friends with their replacement, they want to hate us so they can continue to be angry.