Would like to hear from others
Hello, my name is Ali. I am a new step mom to a boy and a girl 6 and 8. I just wanted to get on here to talk about my feelings, maybe I am mean. That thought has been running through my mind. Maybe I do have resentment that they are not my own kids. I'm not going to have any of my own, so do I act out rudely not meaning to? So that I have a protective barrier around me, so I don't get hurt. HMM? And possibly is that the same reason for the kids to want to protect themselves, is why they don't like to be close? So who goes first? I been waiting to see what they will do giving them space, and it back fires on me. My distance makes them feel I don't love them. Distance meaning: if they act like they don't want a hug or kiss, I don't push to make them do anything I can feel they are hesitant. "Unconditional parents love" The connection... can there be a mimic to that? How should I show the kids that I do love them? past what they might think, and in their mind is a reality?
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Hi Ali. The first piece of
Hi Ali. The first piece of advice given to me when I joined the site was to read the book 'StepMonster'. It really helped me figure out the feelings I had towards them.
Have you read or heard of
Have you read or heard of anyone reading "Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't"
I hadn't heard of that one.
I hadn't heard of that one. I'm going to check and see if I can get it through the library.
I'm thinking of buying it but
I'm thinking of buying it but it's $33 on Amazon
thank you, I will check that
thank you, I will check that book out. I hear people keep saying, we are Only step, or Just step, like it doesn't mean anything. It means something to me. and that's why I'm here, not to complain about them , but to figure out myself and work through my feelings with people who understand. And I have been thinking about that same question.. what are my feelings towards them really? because something is missing. I hate to undermined what the kids are saying just because I'm an adult, I think kids can honestly understand more than what we give them credit for, and I'm turning towards myself for self reflection. I want the best for them and my marriage.
Welcome! For your own
Welcome!
For your own protection and sanity... don't TRY to love them. Yes, it is perfectly rational to be self-protective. Are you trying to love your in-laws, too?
The skids have parents to love them. Just be cordial. In my experience, I wish I wouldn't have loved them so hard at first. I hurt my ass falling from the heights of hope into depths of disappointment.
thank you for the warm
Hi, Ali. It's hard to help
Hi, Ali. It's hard to help not knowing the facts or why you feel you may be mean. Can you elaborate a bit, please?
The best piece of advice I
The best piece of advice I can give you is that this will never feel like a traditional family. When you enter the realm of blended families some people put too much emphasis on trying to make it like a natural family when it will never be. I think when everyone stops trying to force a feeling or a relationship a certain way than it's easier to take. You are dealing with two children you did not raise and let's face it skids are seldom behaved like kids we would of raised. They come from a background with a mother and father who set rules (or in my case lacked them) that may make no sense to us. The kids might see you as an intruder for awhile and visa versa. Take time and realize this is not the brady bunch nor will it ever be. Let your dh know the ground rules and that you are not their mother nor will you assume that role and also set new rules for your house. Make your dh make them respect you, kisses and hugs might be too much right now and no one needs to force this affection. I am over a year in as a step mother and I do not force hugs but if they want to give it so be it. DH tried to force them in the beginning but it was weird for all of us (especially ss11).
thank you, I appreciate your
thank you, I appreciate your advice, and understand.
My first piece of advice is
My first piece of advice is to delete your name, don't ever post any real names or where you live on here, don't give out any identifying info. There have been people in the past on here who will out you and make sure BM knows you're here "complaining about her kids".
Second? Stop trying. You can be polite and kind without chasing after them asking for affection. Let them warm up to you or not. Don't get too invested because they won't give two shits about turning on you--always remember, "we are ONLY steps".
Honestly just do you. Let
Honestly just do you. Let their parents parent them. One or both will hate you by age 11 - 12 anyway since that seems to be the age skids go demonic.
I like that, thanks for