How many of us started off "disengaged"?
I am now mostly disengaged.
It has gotten easier with each skid situation. But I still have "bad" days, situations, etc.
I am no longer angry or upset or dissapointed. I am indifferent.
At the beginning it was "good" with the skids so I dont regret any of those moments. BUT with that being said, it made their hurt, betrayals and other drama hurt so much more.
Had I never had an expectation or involvement or a care, then it wouldnt have been such a mess to deal with.
If only I felt the way I do now, at the beginning. Indifferent. Disengaged. Let DH handle it. Dont always react based off of my feelings.
Curious if anyone was disengaged from the beginning? Maybe not disengaged in a bad way (which is often the way us SMs end up) but really uninvolved. Let DH handle the issues. Trust that DH can handle the issues, etc.
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I started out mostly
I started out mostly disengaged. (I would not marry or live with DH for many years due to the step crap.)
I would try and "help" DH that first 6-12 month, but I saw pretty quickly that it was better to stay the hell out of it all. lol
Not my problem how skid turns out. As long as skid respects me in my home, I could care less. Too many DH's here do not care if skid respects the wife. Sad.
Too many DH's don't care if
Too many DH's don't care if his own kid respects HIM either. Really sad.
Very true blayze. My DH let
Very true blayze. My DH let SS walk all over him. SS was not too disrespectful to DH but he would have gotten a beat down from DH if SS ever talked to me disrespectfully.
I've always been some weird
I've always been some weird combination of both and it's always worked pretty well. SD was 5 when DH and I first got together and she was a well behaved, respectful kid and DH parented her; I had no reason to completely disengage.
She gave me reasons when she hit 16/17 but she was not coming over for visitation anymore at that point, so...
My SD is 23 now, and although I do ask my DH about her and their conversations, and I would rather she not date the ex-con that she is currently dating, I am not emotionally invested enough to lose sleep over it.
I think that is the thing.
I think that is the thing. I'm just not emotionally invested in the skids anymore and it feels great! I know now that I dont have to allow their actions to hurt me. At the end of the day, DH and I are happy. I too think they are starting to get the hint, that I'm not going anywhere and I am not backing down, so they have gotten bored with "the game" and have disengaged as well.
I've morphed in and out of
I've morphed in and out of different stages... In the very beginning, when I first met his kids, I thought okay whatever - kids... he has two they were then DS10 and DD16 (now 14 and 18). Never liked DD ever. She's just a nasty, conceited, entitled bitch of a girl, who gets off on making fun of anyone that doesn't stack up in her mind (she told her father to go fuck himself, the last they 'spoke' and he hasn't spoken to her since). Just yuck. DS was always immature (still is) and a bit of a baby. My SO tried to plan things we could all do together, and I did that for a while just sort of taking it all in. In a typical outing, DD never said more than 2 words, ever, and DS would want SO to buy him something no matter where we went. I mean all. the. time., and SO would always buy whatever thing it was and it was quickly discarded. I started mentally keeping track of the money he spent in a typical weekend - Lots.
The Ex was (is) OFF THE HOOK Crazy. She tortured SO constantly. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't send him some eff'ed up text, call him about whatever crazy crap was in her head, always demanding money and berating him that he wasn't a good father. She did really cool shit, like send SO pictures of her, her new DH, and the kids, with some nasty message like, they have a new dad now"... This text came screeching in during my birthday dinner out at a restaurant.
He was so freaked out about her holding the kids back/away from him he was like a puppet on a string. I started resenting the situation, and always felt uncomfortable around them all. After about 8 months of that I started pulling back. I would Never see him if he had the kids, Never. After a while, I didn't see him as much even when he didn't have them. I live a drama free life and I really didn't have the stomach for any of this crap. He knew he was losing me and was trying really hard to hold on.
Finally, I freaked the fuck out. I mean really freaked out - I called out every fucked up thing that had ever happened, was still happening, and made it clear that I had zero interest in his ex-life and all it's crap. I told him to block the ex - block her. Do not speak to her or answer her - ever. She started using DS's phone to continue the madness. He was under strict orders to inform me of each and every time she contacted him, and I told him if he should respond or not, and if so, I wrote the response. She started pulling more crap, not bringing the skids to the meeting place/drop off point to force him to drive to her house to get DS (about 100 miles round trip)... I told him that if he ever drove there again, I was gone. He said, "well, then I won't get to see DS". "Right". She needs to adhere to the agreement - she is in contempt of court. Grow some balls, and fight back. If you don't see DS for a while, so be it - but this madness has to end. I had him get a lawyer.
After quite a bit of legal BS, the ex finally backed off.. (I don't pretend to think that's a forever thing, but she's been a non-issue for a pretty long time now). She brings DS to the meeting spot, and picks him up there, too. If she makes plans on SO's weekend, so be it... If we have plans on kid weekend, we cancel. The world will not stop spinning if you miss a visit with your kid. Seriously...
Fast forward... I bought a house, SO was an equal financial contributor, but the house is in my name. Not going down the road of the crazy ex and a shared financial investment. DS comes EOWE, but now that we're in this house situation, SS14 gets on my nerves more than I have the words to explain. SO and SS are tied to the hip, SS acts like a whiny ass, and SO is right there all the time in a nauseating fashion... I started a total disengagement... I swear I didn't say more than 7 words to this kid during an entire weekend. My problem was that disengaging from the skid, is also disengaging from my SO and after a while, that started becoming difficult from me and I realized that I felt worse...
A few weeks ago, we had a conversation where I confided all My feelings and fears about all this. I told him (again, this is not new news) that I know I will always come after his kid, and that I was worried about our relationship.. I made it clear (again, none of this was out of the blue new news) that there was no way I could ever live with his kids and if something ever happened that forced that to happen, I wouldn't stay with him. I'm just not capable, based upon the dynamic, and the lack of ANY relationship with this kid, to live that way. I told him that his behavior when the kids is around is not normal, and pushes me out, and every Friday before he gets the skid I'm a bundle of nerves, ready to puke - I just couldn't handle it. I told him if the relationship between me and this kid was going to improve, that he needed to be the catalyst for that...and kid weekends don't have to be 2 straight days of reminiscing about topics that I can't possibly contribute to make me feel left out. I told him that I could drop dead on the floor when DS was here, and I'm sure he'd never notice.
He has made HUGE strides to correct his behavior. He told me that I'm first - we are together, and his actions reinforce that. Now when the kid is here, things are still normal between US. The kid, well, still not a fan, but now I'm not inconvenienced in any way, and SO is a FATHER, not a pal to his son. Much better ... we'll see...
Sorry this is so long... sheesh!