Getting prepped for mediation
Hi everyone! I've been quiet around here for a while now because shit is starting to get real. DH is meeting with his lawyer tomorrow to discuss new terms for the PP. Some of you know the situation, some of you don't. That doesn't matter, any advice is welcome at this point.
Here is a list of things DH is going to ask for. Are there any other (general or specific) items that should be addressed? I have my opinions but I'm far from an expert at this.
1. He wants to accept no less than 50/50 custody for kid #1 so he's asking for either primary custody with weekend BM visitations (and then talk her down) OR just be straight up and ask for what he really wants: 50/50. The kid has asked for 50/50 on multiple occasions. The current plan is a 208/157 day split with the majority of the days going to the mother. This is not being followed. BM has been withholding and DH hasn't been fighting very hard.
2. Kid 2 is tricky. Again the current plan specifies 208/157 day split but this kid hasn't spent a night with DH in almost exactly 1 year *encouraged by BM*. I think he should ask for 50/50 just like with kid 1 or ask to keep the schedule the same as it is currently written. Accept no less than EOWE and split holidays and vacations. Unlike kid 1, kid 2 doesn't want ANY time with DH. The lawyer already suggested not giving up his rights, just request counseling. Thoughts?
3. Keep joint legal/medical/religious/education decision making since that's what's in current plan. Add on that BOTH parents need to sign off on the decision at hand. Unilateral decision making will be financed by the rogue parent (always BM, always). Include extracurriculars too since she has been signing kids up for things that disrupt and control DH's time with the kids from DAY 1 of their divorce.
4. Add this provision to the plan since it's been a HUGE problem: Kid's phones cannot be confiscated as a form of punishment. BM insists this is a "common and effective" punishment for disobedience but in actuality it has turned into a means for her to cut them off from their father whenever she is mad at HIM.
5. Pick ups and drop offs. There is something in the current plan about this but it is NEVER followed. DH does all pick ups and drop offs. Furthermore, they are always at HER convenience. Add this provision: a SPECIFIC time on a SPECIFIC day and the parent whose custody the kid will be going into will do the pick up.
This is me talking now: STICK TO THE GODDAMNED PLAN AS IT IS CURRENTLY WRITTEN WITH NO EXCEPTIONS while these negotiations are taking place. DH won't do it. For instance, tonight is rightfully his time with his kids. He won't go over there and claim it because he is scared it will make her unwilling to work with him during negotiations. NEWS FLASH: She has already tipped her hand and told him what she is going to ask for. She is asking for him to have ZERO visitation with kid 2 and EOWE for kid 1. This doesn't sound like someone who is going to work with him. Gah. So annoying. I hope the lawyer tells him this tomorrow.
Like I said, I know a lot of you don't know the specifics, but since so many of you have seen all of this play out a thousand times (I haven't) any input would help.
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DH just sent his lawyer a
DH just sent his lawyer a copy of the latest email from BM. This one's a doozy: she admitted to withholding visitation, she admitted to taking the kids' phones as "punishment", she admitted that she had not given DH a single medical bill for 2 years straight but that she has saved them all up and will require payment during mediation(PP requires that she gives them to him within 10 days of receiving them and he works out a reimbursment within 30 days).
Nice to know the phone problem might at least get resolved.
I know. We have gone round
I know. We have gone round and round about him "not wanting to fight". It's a real problem since there are always fights anyway. I am hoping for the best but not going to be shocked if he caves. Again.
It's already in the current
It's already in the current plan that they split it 50/50. It will probably stay that way. I don't think either one of them will fight that one.
If it goes to 50/50, will
If it goes to 50/50, will there be CS?
In my twisted mind, I'd ask for 50/50, no CS. If BM wants to withhold visitation, that's her problem, she'll have to support them on DH's days then.
Excellent point. I guess it
Excellent point.
I guess it doesn't hurt to ask for that. We live in an income shares state so more than likely someone will end up paying (probably DH). It doesn't seem right but I'm almost positive that's the way it will go.
Specify holiday time and
Specify holiday time and vacation days. One thing I learned with Ding Dong is that when you have a controlling PASing ex your court order has to be SPECIFIC. You can not leave any grey areas. They will look for and use any little opening they can find. I was told to ask for more then I wanted so I would have room to negotiate with. I don't see where you are asking for anything out of the ordinary. Oh and using Our Family Wizard helps with contentious communications. Good luck.
Thanks to this site, I have
Thanks to this site, I have BEGGED and pleaded for DH to require OFW. This woman has a problem with harassment. He had to block her from his phone because the texts/calls/voice mail was constant. Now she is relegated to email and she abuses that too. It's just a little easier to ignore that and tend to it later. Still. OFW is open for all to see, right? I think if she knows other people are reading her BS she will chill out. I'll suggest it again but I don't know if he will go for it.
Always ask for more than you
Always ask for more than you expect to get.
1. So full physical custody and negotiate down to 50/50.
2. Counseling for sure. Ask for full and negotiate down to whatever he can get
3. Both parents signing off is a good idea. But be prepared that BM will withhold her consent to be a bitch.
4. I don't think it can be ordered for kids to have a cell phone. But make a certain day/time that the parent who does not have the kids can call the person who does. If the kids aren't available, the parent leaves a message and kids call back. Then make sure he is documenting when he calls and if/when he talks to them and when/if SHE calls.
5. Yep, have the parent who is going to have the child be responsible for getting the child. Best for the kids and less likely for the parent to play games.
Anything about medical expenses and insurance?
ETA - I see your previous answers regarding this. If the current order says she has so long to produce them to him, she is shit out of luck. Our BM tried collecting on medical bills that were given to us PAST the SIX MONTHS she could save them up. The judge didn't even bother ruling on that issue.
Thank you! Great
Thank you! Great advise.
Funny you should mention the insurance. The current CS doesn't follow state guidelines but it sure as hell will after this. He was paying a lump sum every month (double what the state would require). They originally went through the motions of filling out the CS worksheets (which include credits for paying insurance) but then didn't use them. Last week, his lawyer looked at those old worksheets and laughed out loud at the amount BM claimed she was paying for the kids' portion of health insurance. She knows BM's employer and knows good and well what family insurance costs and has a pretty good idea what the children's portion is going to be. BM was using the entire family's premiums (when she was still married to DH) and then claiming that entire amount as the portion she expected him to pay. jacked up.
I know what you are thinking...was DH's head up his ass when he divorced this woman? Yes, yes it was.
>>>>And as far as BM's
>>>>And as far as BM's expenses go- wording to the effect that she must furnish receipts (from the provider) for all kid-related bills showing that she has paid her half before billing DH was essential. (Those music lessons BM said the kids were going to and billing DH for? Pure BS- she hadn't paid a dime.)<<<<
This is definitely going in there. Thanks. She has this little habit of telling DH how much the [insert medical service] costs -- total -- pre-adjustment price. Good thing she didn't bother giving him any bills for the past two years. I think she just couldn't figure out a way to keep him thinking that she was paying that much for medical bills if she were to show him the ACTUAL bill after insurance payments were made. lol.
12 and 13. He doesn't want
12 and 13.
He doesn't want to force the 13 year old to stay with him against her will. That's kind of been a problem. DH respects the kids wishes, BM encourages animosity and encourages the kid to refuse visitation. Counseling is going to have to be a must, IMO.
Again, I think the attorney was right with her first recommendation...don't give up his rightful, legal time with her, give her tools to learn to accept divorce, remarriage, ect. If she still rejects him, oh well, at least he's trying to help her.
ETA: on paper. keep his rightful time secured legally on the PP. Then work with her as necessary.
Another thing to add, in my
Another thing to add, in my opinion if it isn't in there already.
Have your DH's half of medical expenses paid TO THE PROVIDER and not directly to BM. I always had a sneaking suspicion that the reason BM took the skids in for hangnails and everything else under the sun was to get that big extra sum from DH. She could always claim bankruptcy on the medical bills. Or cry poor to her family (who is very well off and would bail her out many many times on everything else).
Another way that helps, is that he can make arrangements directly with the provider if it is a huge bill that he can't immediately pay in full.
Once, we were between insurance companies so we took out a high deductible one month policy on the skids and DH sent BM a letter telling her that and asking for any non emergency appointments to be rescheduled.
During that ONE MONTH, BM maxed out that damn deductible by having both skids get MRIs!
Thank you. This is good.
Thank you. This is good.
I about had a heart attack
I about had a heart attack when we got a bill for over $5K and DH had 30 days to pay half!