Okay, it's official. Your wife has left the building and is in complete denial. Wait to talk to the teachers first?????????? Yes, that's it. The teachers are out to get tall boy. I don't know how you do it Draco.

IMHO, you still move forward. You set the expectation bad grades = loss of electronics, not DW. You said it multiple times.

To me, if you cave now, you send a strong message to not only tall boy, but the mini-dracos that DW will always get them out of punishment as long as they play her right.

IMO, of course.

I think this is just another example of no matter how badly he fails DW will always have an excuse readied for the tall boy. Always. So proceed to the hardware store. Cover the outlets.
You have been saying for weeks that the end result would be this. So stand firm.

"Frack me! Am I speaking Swahili!?!?"

this made me literally LOL at my office. Hahaha

Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused. Did you say, "If he fails one class he loses electronics"? Or did you say, "If he fails one class he loses electronics unless someone can come up with a reason he failed"?

I know a kid (in my sister's class in HS) who missed 8 weeks of classes because he was undergoing treatment for cancer. THAT kid managed to work with tutors and keep up with his classwork and passed the semester.

So there is no reason - literally not one reason - that would be good enough to justify NOT carrying through on the consequences you outlined. I don't care if a teacher was "out to get him" or not - if that was the case he should have made DOUBLY sure that all work was handed in and being graded appropriately, and there should have been notice (and time to take action) WAY before report cards.

Not that any teacher was actually out to get him. I'm just saying even if you accept their premise that SS failed for some reason OTHER than the fact that he just didn't bother to learn the material - it's still his fault. Outside factors can - and should have been - mitigated. If he didn't take those steps to ensure that his "hard work" would be recognized, then the failure is still his and he still needs to lose his games.

His teacher is out to get him. Just like the project partners were out to get him or did it without him or whatever the hell his excuse was there too.

She is suffering a severe case of Ostrich parent.

Maybe YOU should suggest he go live with Donkeykong. At least then you wouldn't have this level of frustration in your life. Maybe the kid would get off mommy's teat too.

I figured pretty close. She just went that sooner than I thought. I thought she would at least be mad one day.

Any way...You need to tread very carefully my friend. I think you know I think you should disengage. I know you wont. At this time.

But IMHO...if you continue to try to be "the man of the house" this way....it is probably going to put a GIANT strain on your marriage. Are you really willing to risk it? Lose your wife and kids all because she will not raise her other child correctly?

Just be careful. And trust me...I really wish that DW would let you come down on this kids head. Or at least that she would come down on this kids head. But I don't think it is going to happen. I think the more you push the kid, the more she is going to "protect" him from big bad Draco.

Draco, I've been thinking about your situation. I know you are constitutionally unable to disengage. Unfortunately, you and DW apparently are completely incapable of coparenting your SS as well. (I hope to GOD that you're better at it with your bios!) That really only leaves one option, but it's a bit radical. Ready?

What if you just took over? No, wait, hear me out! DW clearly doesn't like being the "bad guy" with her son. She's a Disney Mom. I suspect though that she doesn't actually resent or dislike your parenting - what she doesn't like is when you institute a consequence and SS whines to her until she overturns it. So what if you guys made a deal? Propose to DW that YOU implement the consequences (you can discuss them with her in private) and she is perfectly welcome to take absolutely no blame about it to SS. When he whines, she just says, "You'll have to take it up with Draco, there's nothing I can do about it." (And that has to be true. Talk about that up front - if she comes to you after the fact and wants to get SS out of consequences, the answer will be NO.) She doesn't have to OWN the parenting, in other words, she just has to get out of your way.

It's nowhere close to ideal, and not something I would normally suggest, but I feel like you've tried virtually everything else! If nothing else, maybe this will at least prevent him from living in your basement as a 30 year old....

This sounds EXACTLY like Chef in his heyday

"The teachers CATER to the smart ones."
"I didn't do well in school either"
BLAH
BLAH
BLAH

Yep, blame the teachers for your lousy parenting and your kid slack-ass-ed-ness (is that a word?)

I'm sure you've seen this before:

https://larrycuban.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/report.jpg

Have a come to Jesus meetin' with your wife, Draco. Tell her firmly in no way is it the teacher's fault. The boy does not study. He does not do homework. He does not pay attention in class. That means he could have Socrates himself for a teacher and he would still fail. Don't let her whine about how she thought he WAS studying that one time when she found a book under his bed blah blah blah. Tell her she is kidding herself and no one else.

If she absolutely can not let it go, give her this challenge. Get the final exam or whatever test you like from these suspicious teachers. Give the test to the boy yourselves at home. Do it orally. Ask him what is a covalent bond? Or whatever concept he ought to know by now from being in the class.

If he can get 85% or more doing it right in front of you on the spot, you will listen to what she has to say about finding alternative ways for him to score points. That is, if you can concentrate while all those pretty piggies are flying about.

When the boy inevitably fails the test you give him, tell her there is no possible evidence that the boy deserves anything but the Fs he got. If he needs an IEP, so be it, but whatever she is doing now is not working. And there are plenty of kids in that class who did get As and Bs so quit hanging your hopes on the teacher.

Furthermore, even if the teacher is an actual psycho who picks random kids to pick on at the beginning of every semester tell her the kid is going to have to learn to deal with difficult people/bosses all his life. Start coping and succeeding NOW.

Draco, have you had "the talk" with DW about when he turns 18? How does she in vision his future? On you guys' couch?

I do not think you should take over. Definitely not, I took over when my ss16 was like 2, because dh had custody and was gone a lot for work and because I knew I was better parent than he or bm. I really thought I was doing a good thing. I was willing to "take one for the team" because my main concern at that point was for ss to turn out well.

Some of the things that occurred do to this are 1) ss decided that he hated me. 2) I gave both dh and bm the perfect excuse to parent even less-hmo is doing such a great job- there's nothing left for us to do. 3). Dh and I had quite a few rocky years in which he blamed me for all of ss's issues ( similar to the teacher is out to get my angel- just replace teacher with hmo). 4)this blame prevented dh or bm ( for she blamed me too) from getting ss the help he needed to be successful. 5) dh and bm totally undermined me so ss thought he could get away with murder because mommykins and daddykins would always take his "side".

My ss16 is currently residing at juvenile detention. His second stay. His second stay for dealing drugs in a school. He may have to stay until he is 18. I have not spoken to him in over 2.5 years. Dh just started speaking to him last month after 18 months of no contact (right after he was arrested because he apparently needs more people to tell him it's not his fault)

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all these things occurred because I took over the parenting, but I definitely think it was a factor. I did disengage between ages 9.5 and 13.5 ( it was a slow painful process) and guess what my dh had an ephihany that gee, his kid really does have some issues. He tried to step up to the plate ( although probably not til I was 80 per cent disengaged) but it was too little too late. Today, I pull no punches with dh. He was excited when ss called him ( lack of contact has been ss's choice) and told me he wanted to change. I actually snorted and told him I'd find that more believable if he'd made that call prior to his arrest. When dh told me he hoped ss could stay in detention rather than be moved to doc because he didn't want poor lil ss around those bad kids, I once again snorted and said 'he IS one of those bad kids". Needless to say dh has decided to quit bringing up the kid to me or making silly statements.

I am more of the belief that if u completely pull back, leave this parenting thing up to dear wife, and especially the school thing that it may force her to get off her arse and do what is necessary to help her kid- if it's not too late

Broken record here......

Disengage. Disengage. Disengage. Disengage.

When she speaks to you about SS, just smile, nod and say "Mmmmmmhmmmm. Mmmmmhmmmmm. Okay. Well I don't have the extra time to help him, so it would be best if YOU sit down with him instead." Or "Mmmmmmmhmmmm. Mmmmmmhmmmm. Okay. I understand your point, however I don't feel I can offer any further help or suggestions. I'll just follow your lead as you handle him the way you feel is best."

And move on.

She is not going to change the way she deals with SS. She IS going to continue to manipulate the situation so you feel guilty and bend. She wants you to do things HER way and tell her SHE is right. As far as I can tell, she lacks any real intelligence or the ability for critical thinking. All she knows how to do is have temper tantrums and cry when you don't bend to her will or if she doesn't get her way.

Similar to your SS.

At some point you need to decide if this conflict over your SS is worth the risk to your marriage and relationship. He is a continual point of contention between you and your W. Sooner or later this is going to blow up in your faces.

Drac0 will never win in this sitch. As others have said, if he becomes the REAL parent, DW will call him "mean" and will team build with the tall one. Then when that fails out of frustration and tallboy's demands and lack of effort become ever higher, he will want to move into the house with the least amount of rules. Which will be Donkey Kong's. Which will cause DW to turn on Drac0 and blame him for "losing her child" (TM)

In this case disengaging is the best and use the example of what NOT to do with your bios. (Different dad, different rules; it's because I CARE about you that I have rules for you)

It's that or divorce DW, send her packing with the tall one and gain complete custody of your bios with supervised visitation for DW seeing she can't parent to save her life.