Hi Welcome! Whilst I never had the "pleasure" of having the BM at all functions and family events, she was a constant thorn in our relationship - always texting and trying to tell us how things should be (do not shut your bedroom door at night it scares the kids!!! WTF they were 8 & 11 no wee babies) and telling OH he was a crap parent if he didn't kowtow to all her demands (usually for him to take the kids extra time/change the schedule to suit her) To PASing (Parental Alienation Syndrome) the kids against OH and I which caused no end of drama in our home.

Unfortunately my man could not understand that this wasn't ok and to put up boundaries with her. Not that she was our only problem by a long shot. But she sure as heck didn't help, and he wouldn't deal with any of it. He is now ex-OH.

All I can really suggest is that you have a CALM discussion with him, about HIM setting boundaries. He does not need to talk to her, or tell her it upsets you, he just needs to build that wall around you two and leave her on the other side - STOP answering the texts/calls re anything apart from SD10, no more fixing - he is unavailable. She will ramp up the crazy for a while, but hopefully eventually get the hint that he is not there for her anymore and move on.

Boundaries...yes. We've been working on those for years and the damn BMs still drive me insane. Especially when he sits in the car or another room listening to their freaking drama. I just tell him - you want to talk alone or about private stuff with them then don't expect anything out of me, and I go to bed. He's gotten better but I know he does it in the car a lot still. The real problem is it gives them power over DH in a way his mind just can't understand. That's why it really needs to be ceased completely...the jumping at their snap thing that is.

For example BM1 calls freaking out about lazy SS18 drama that is way overreacted to and blown up by SS18. He's at work yet he takes 20 min to listen to her crap. I told him - tell her your at work via text and then let her sit all day and either freak out or shut up...stop making her feel important and powerful in your life idiot! Yeah he doesn't get it. I found the best way to talk about boundaries is to buy step family books and share them in bed. For some reason if someone else put it in writing it must be true. lol

Good luck and welcome!!!

I do not think you should contact her about boundaries. She will probably turn it into something more than it is. If she likes to try and get in your head she will take that opportunity to do the same thing again. It needs to come from your partner. If you talk to her but he doesn't follow through on his end, it will be for nothing.
When I was struggling most with getting SO to set boundaries we had endless arguments. What finally seemed to be through to him was I wrote down bulletin point the things that bothered me. I also had suggestions on what could be done instead. I told him I wanted to sit down and discuss something's about BM and boundaries. We picked a time we had lots of time and no distractions. I also let him know who these were affecting me and pointed out how they were stressing our relationship. Was keeping things calm with the BM worth losing me over? He did a lot better with boundaries. She kept pushing for quite awhile after and would get blow up mad, but SO stood his ground and it has mostly eased off. She still likes to think that what ever she says is gospel, but it is easier to ignore with the boundaries. I would not have made it to this point without boundaries. She tried to tell SO that we couldn't have a separate birthday party for SD. She use to show up unannounced at SO mom's house when we were there. MIL ( mother in law) needs to set boundaries too, but I wont hold my breathe. She demanded that SO drive 2 hours one way to set up the doll house BM bought for SD. When SO refused she blew up and SO just ignored her. This week she actually told SO that he needs to move back to city she lives in.
I think the lack of boundaries from BM's is a power thing. She has the power to snap her fingers and watch him jump. She also wants you to know she holds that power. I hope you and your partner can find some middle ground.

The problem isn't the Bm, the problem is your dh. Your dh needs to set boundaries and firmly stick to them. It took my dh about 2 years before he really understood and now he shuts Bm down Everytime she tries anything. Dh rarely answers her calls and has to constantly reiterate to her that she needs to text him if it isn't an emergency. If she calls and Bm starts talking about herself or anything other than ss, dh flat out tells her "I don't care about you or what you're going through, let's finish with how this pertains to our kid" Bm seems to finally be getting it. She doesn't like it one bit, but she's getting it none the less.

Talk to your dh and be completely honest. After I had enough I sat my dh (he was bf when this convo went down) down and told him that I was not asking him to "choose" however I was no longer willing to play second fiddle to another woman and if that's how he wanted things to be, he would need to find someone else who was okay with that. I wasn't mean or Angry, just matter of fact... Basically change this shit or I'm moving on. And I wasnt joking either-I was very serious and VERY ready to drop his ass because I had had too much. . I think that opened his eyes and after that he started with boundaries. Bm fought back hard but hey I ended up marrying him so he did good. My dh has come a long way. Honesty is key and if your dh respects you and loves you, he should listen and take action. Calls should be for emergencies only, everything else should be via text, email, maybe our fam wizard. When Bm steps out of line-lather rinse repeat because if you give Bm an inch she'll take mile. Good luck and welcome to ST

I've never had issues to the extent you do- but I did have a bm that liked to communicate with just me. Dh was of course ok with this because he hated talking to her. At first I thought, no big deal, in the spirit of family i will take on this task. I laugh at my much younger self now. It turned into a nightmare. She was always asking to change standard arrangements. Always- every visitation. Then she started getting even more demanding,

Leaving me messages about what I was supposed to pack in ss's overnight bag for visits. Very specific down to number of shorts, etc. calling mr complaining that I wasn't giving her any directions on antibiotics ss was on (gee read the label). I finally had to just say no. I blocked her number from my phone. Told her I didn't have to speak to her at all ( she seemed to think that I had to speak to her anytime she wanted 24/7 since her kid lived here). She argued with me about this and misquoted parenting guidelines- sadly for her I knew them better. I, as a sm, have no obligation to speak to her ever. If she calls and wants to speak to ss she is supposed to have access to him. Which she only ever called to speak to me. If she left me a message on our home phone I ignored it.

It took her a bit- she kept trying to push the issue- like saying I was putting ds's health at risk about not communicating about the antibiotic. But I stood firm in not speaking to her. She finally gave up. Block her, ignore her, don't go where she is at.

I've never had issues to the extent you do- but I did have a bm that liked to communicate with just me. Dh was of course ok with this because he hated talking to her. At first I thought, no big deal, in the spirit of family i will take on this task. I laugh at my much younger self now. It turned into a nightmare. She was always asking to change standard arrangements. Always- every visitation. Then she started getting even more demanding,

Leaving me messages about what I was supposed to pack in ss's overnight bag for visits. Very specific down to number of shorts, etc. calling mr complaining that I wasn't giving her any directions on antibiotics ss was on (gee read the label). I finally had to just say no. I blocked her number from my phone. Told her I didn't have to speak to her at all ( she seemed to think that I had to speak to her anytime she wanted 24/7 since her kid lived here). She argued with me about this and misquoted parenting guidelines- sadly for her I knew them better. I, as a sm, have no obligation to speak to her ever. If she calls and wants to speak to ss she is supposed to have access to him. Which she only ever called to speak to me. If she left me a message on our home phone I ignored it.

It took her a bit- she kept trying to push the issue- like saying I was putting ds's health at risk about not communicating about the antibiotic. But I stood firm in not speaking to her. She finally gave up. Block her, ignore her, don't go where she is at.

Wow! Three BMs? How do you do it? My DH's 3 spawn all slithered out of the same fetid hole, and that's bad enough.