ss not communicating with me, his bm is my partner
Having very stressful time trying to get ss to talk with my like adults do. He's 30, whipped and controlled by his wife and her mother. My partner never interferes but now will help the kids do anything they ask regardless of how they are treating me. My ss won't even look me in the eye. I told my partner by helping them she is only co firming that how they treat me is ok, this puts a wedge between us. She swears she will talk to both of them. They need to move, landlord selling house, in 6 weeks so instead of her mom helping she calls my partner and she offers right off the bat to help. I am loosing my mind over all this. Kids are 30 years old 3 kids and dead broke.but act completely entitled, I just can't take this much longer.
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What Echo said. I know it is
What Echo said. I know it is sad, but some people will not treat you with the love you expect from them (namely your SS). It sounds like it hurts more that your partner doesn't respect your feelings. I don't know if I got that right or not. ((((Hugs)))))
You and your partner did move
You and your partner did move to his area to be closer to him and his little ones. Perhaps it would have been better to have stayed where you two were and let the SS stand on his own or fall on his face. I suspect your SS won't speak with you because he knows exactly what you have to say to him. That it's long overdue to stop taking advantage of his mother, get a second job and/or do overtime at the one he has, grow the hell up and take care of his family ect ect ect.
The guy sounds as if he just goes from one crisis to the next and expects everyone but himself to bail him out. Lots of parents give and give to their adult children out of some sense of guilt over whatever, what your SS is doing to his mother is not unique to just him. If you read some of the posting under the adult stepchildren forum on the otherside of this site, you'll see plenty of stepmoms having the same issues you are.
You need to make it clear to your paternal that your pocketbook is closed to her son. No you are not a heartless mean ol' stepmom, but continuing to hand this adult man money only solves perhaps the immediate crisis. You know full well the next one is tomorrow or next week. At some point he has to grow up and figure out how he is going to support his own family and save himself. Mom and you have your own expenses and should be saving for retirement. You really can't force Mom to stop giving her cash to SS but you certainly can separate your finances and stop your cash from this never ending 'save the SS' saga.
How do I deal with the
How do I deal with the "grandkids", I've always called them my gk. Should I even go to there house to get them or just let partner do that? SHe says I'm his mom but like you said I guess he doesn't like me. I've been apart of his life since he was 10. I always thought we'd be friends when he grew up and we'd do cool things that I know he likes.
That is really difficult. I
That is really difficult. I would suggest that it is not your partner's job to define the relationship between you and the grandkids. That is triangulation (The relationship between you and grandkids is a straight line. Whenever someone inserts themselves, that creates a triangle.) Triangulation almost always leads to dysfunction, drama, pain, etc. Perhaps you should think less of what your partner says you should do and focus more on what you think you should do and what you want to do with the little ones. Do you want to spend time with them? Is it ok for you to take them to the park or your house, even if SS and his wife do no appreciate it? If so, go for it. Get what you want out of the relationship with grandkids. If you are not ok with that, then don't do it.
Take a step back and ask what boundaries you would like to lay down.
I know it is difficult for you to be rejected when you have been a part of SS's life since he was 10, but the reality is that some adult children even reject their bio parents. Steps are often dumped on. Don't believe me, go to the forum for adult step children. It is sad, but something you must learn do deal with if you want to stay with your partner. I have been a part of my SS's life since he was 3 and it is possible that he will marry some controlling woman and do the same to me. It is sad, but true. Stay strong and focus on yourself. ((((More hugs))))
Thanks NMM, Good advice. I
Thanks NMM,
Good advice. I do love those little babies so. What would you do if dil mother was controlling and even on ss birthday controlled the day? We couldn't see the kids on xmas eve or day unless we went really for a few hours or to there house where it was cramped.