How does this cycle evolve throughout the kid's stages of life?
Right now, all I know is for years BM has asked for more money. Even convinced the dad he had to pay for her rent once they were split. So like an idiot he did till a judge put a stop to it. Paid CS while still living in the home while paying the bills through the years they were together.
Now as a teenager, the kid ignores his father completely when not during visitation weekends. DH is eager for the child to turn 18, though we know CS doesnt necessarily stop at 18.
SO my question is, for all the SM that have lived through this cycle, how does it evolve once the kid is 18 or over? I know how it may be supposed to go, but knowing her, there is a rocky road ahead.
What are the hurdles that are coming our way? Once the child is 18, how will things change? Do they?
What will happen when DH and I have kids? I am trying to prepare for that now, but it may take a while since I have health issues that may complicate things, but the kid has already let his dad know he does not want to have a sibling (ok. Good luck with that. We will let God decide).
How much control can she have once the child support ends? What could she call about? What will she have in the way of control?
These questions have made me so anxious.
So...what is possibly in my crystal ball, and what would be the best way of dealing with it? I know we are all different, but this place has kept me from over worrying about small things that have made me crazy, and warned me about wanting to meet a woman who hates me through no real fault of my own.
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The cost could sky rocket,
The cost could sky rocket, but I guarantee I will not give up my dream of having a child because of his mistake. All I want to know is ways of approaching these situations. Not all the women who enter into a relationship such as this have chosen not to have a child because of the expenses. Families very often consist of more than one child, which I understand doubles the cost of anything, but they still do it. Like I said, I am not giving up my dream of having a child, especially when I've put it off due to my health. This is my dream, and I love this man. I'd be handing the BM my dreams and opportunity to enjoy creating another life.
He and I have talked about this. And he said he wants to have another child. Once who grows up with a mother who will not put her needs first or use the kid as control.
I appreciate your comment. And thank you for the warning.
Both he and I have grown up poor, and know how to use the little money we have wisely. We are ok with the simple life. I have planned for financial stability (I understand that can change in a heartbeat).
I am more concerned with the stages of behavior and control that may be ahead. What additional costs that are not clearly stated in the law would arise due to one parent not wanting to hold up their end?
Hahaha. I am trying. Just
Hahaha. I am trying. Just have to get off some of my seizure medications to make it a little safer. 2 appointments on the way! Then its on (literally).
By the way, is anyone here epileptic and has had a child? or know someone who has? I know it is unrelated, but I have no friends with this condition, and have gotten mixed opinions by doctors.
Anyway,
thanks
I have not and do not intend
I have not and do not intend on meeting her. I say she hates me because of what she says. Comments on the phone, also referring to me as "whatever she is". Maybe this is just strong dislike, but it along with the actions tells me that
She has not asked to meet me. I was wondering if now that I am his wife, I'd be a stepmother, who should know the "other mother", right? I was thinking it was necessary. I see it's not.
He and his dad have discussed what the son needed to do to prepare, location, trade, focus, etc. The son has an idea, but has changed it.
When DH only asks his son to text him a "hello" within the every other weekend time is hardly asking for much. For he and his mother to actively avoid calls from him is not right. Is his son sick? depressed? needs support? No response. If DH was in an accident and in the hospital, neither the BM or the kid would even know the father was in harms way or worse.
It is interesting. His dad
It is interesting. His dad is getting better at it. Better at just saying "I cant keep worrying about it, nothing is going to change, I'll just keep him happy when I have him"
I guess I am the one that cant let it go. I just keep seeing him as fake and just want to disengage. Dad grows more disillusioned, but I cannot let it go.
I will. I need to focus on my health and my future kid (if God allows).
SD15 has
SD15 has grades/homework/truancy issues. These all take place at BM's house. BM doesn't care about the grades and homework, made it clear she won't co-parent with dh on this issue. SD15 wouldn't respond to dh's messages or calls, either.
So DH finally had enough and told BM he would be calling SD EVERY evening to check on homework himself. If he didn't get the kid, he would start calling BM's phone and she better put SD on the phone then. Privately, he told me he was going to document this every night and every time he failed to reach the girl and he was preparing for court and other consequences. I think from his tone, bm figured out she'd be better off if she got the kid on the phone at least.
So now sd shows up on either her own phone or her mother's (mostly her mother's) every night. Slow but steady increase in school performance.
It did hurt dh that sd would ignore all his attempts to reach her. It hurt him a lot. But he plugged away on Project Prevent Dropout and it's getting better.
Sounds like there's more hostility between your bm and dh, though. Making mom responsible for boy's picking up the phone may not work for you. I do know how sad it is to see your dh dejected when his own kid doesn't have the courtesy to respond to a little text.